Is my boss a toxic person?

toxic person

Let’s talk about this

I’d like to hear everyone’s thoughts: is it considered toxic if a supervisor or management at your company behaves like this, or am I just overthinking it?

Right now I’m a Senior HR in my company, and my direct supervisor is the HR Manager. Ever since I started working in HR, I’ve been confident that I’ve never committed fraud and never caused any damage to the organization.

Judging from the fact that I was promoted in less than a year, there really shouldn’t be any problem with my work ethic or intention to do my job well. And I also believe I’m very polite when speaking with seniors/management.

But it feels like they never really trust me, and I’m constantly being watched— even in my private channels — for reasons and events like these:

1. My supervisor doesn’t really trust me and likes to “investigate” my behavior by asking to see my private LINE chats, including conversations with colleagues after working hours. I’m confident that I report everything to her, but she still doesn’t trust me.

For example, once an employee messaged me after work hours to vent about their distress. I just listened — I didn’t gossip or badmouth anyone. But somehow that chat “leaked” because a deputy director happened to see the chat on that employee’s phone screen, and then started suspecting that the employee and I were colluding to badmouth the company or the management.

Then my supervisor started investigating what I had said to that employee. She even called me in to ask what we had talked about on LINE (in the beginning, I did show her my chats out of good faith, to prove I hadn’t done anything wrong — but after it kept happening, I started getting sick of it.)

2. My supervisor always emphasizes that when employees ask for any documents, I must not give them out quickly. I have to inform her every time, because we “don’t know what they intend to do” with those documents.

Most recently, an employee asked for a copy of their own employment contract because they couldn’t find the original. I didn’t give it out right away; I reported it to my supervisor first, exactly as I had been briefed, just to keep her in the loop.

But instead of trusting that I followed instructions, she called me into her office again and asked to see the chat where the employee requested the document — to check whether I had secretly given it to them before reporting it to her.

3. Most recently, in the middle of a work discussion, she asked me this out of the blue:

senior management suspects that when employees are late, I might be going into the system to adjust their clock-in time so it doesn’t show as late.

At that moment, my eyes nearly popped out, because that’s a serious breach of ethics — but she was actually suspicious of something like that.

The suspicion came from the fact that she had once heard me ask some employees who showed up late whether they were truly late, or if they simply forgot to clock in and the system recorded them as late. I asked because the MD had instructed me to record the reason for lateness.

But senior management privately assumed that if I was asking that question, maybe I was going to adjust the time for them. Then they brought that up with my supervisor, and my supervisor brought it down to me as an “investigation.”

I explained the real reason I was asking those questions, and she seemed to accept it and understand. But she ended the conversation with:

“I figured you probably wouldn’t do something like that.
But if it ever happens, I’ll have you fired right away, because that would be a serious violation.”

4. My supervisor likes to say that the reason she questions me, investigates me, and asks to see my chats is so that if senior management ever starts suspecting me of anything negative, she can give them a clear answer and help defend me, saying that I haven’t done anything wrong.

Right now I’m just emotionally exhausted. I come to work with the intention to do things properly, but I feel like my behavior is constantly being monitored like I’m a high school student being sent to the discipline office.

So… am I overthinking this?

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Here’s how I see it:

Okay, let’s talk about this like we’re teammates who really understand what HR work looks like in real life — no sugar-coating, but I’m also not going to throw you into a pit and leave you there to cry alone.

Straight answer:

From what you’ve described, this is toxic in terms of both system and behavior.

It’s not just “you being too sensitive.”

And more importantly… it’s not the loud, dramatic kind of toxic.
It’s the slow, subtle kind that quietly eats away at your confidence and keeps you in a constant state of “having to prove your innocence,” until someone who actually works hard and does a good job gradually becomes paranoid, withdrawn, drained, and starts hating their own job without even realizing why.

But — we’re not going to stop at “they’re terrible, the end.”

Because this issue has two layers:

1. The layer you’re experiencing:
   Your supervisor “manages through distrust,” and turns HR into more of an investigative police unit than a people-and-systems function.
   
   
2. The layer you’re responsible for with yourself:
   You’ve already allowed your boundaries to be crossed several times (with good intentions), to the point where this has now become their new normal — “I can ask to see your chats whenever I feel like it.”
   And now you’re fed up — which is a sign you’re running out of emotional fuel and starting to lose faith.

Let’s break this down piece by piece, and then I’ll summarize everything into strategic options you can actually use inside the organization — not just motivational-poster advice.

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1) Demanding to see your private LINE chats:

This is not “management.” It’s search and seizure.

You said your supervisor likes to “investigate” by asking to see your private LINE chats, especially conversations with colleagues outside of work hours.

The chain of events started when a deputy director saw a chat on an employee’s phone screen, then became suspicious that you were colluding with that employee to badmouth the company.

Let’s translate this into plain organizational politics:

• Senior management already doesn’t trust HR — or broadly doesn’t trust people.

• Your supervisor chose to cope with that by turning herself into an internal investigator so she’d have “evidence” to take back to management.

• You become the default suspect in the department, even though you haven’t done anything wrong.

And you’re asking if this is toxic?

Yes. it’s toxic. Because it reflects a culture of “guilty until proven innocent.”
You’re considered wrong first, and only later allowed to prove you’re not.

And the painful part is: it quietly destroys the core of what HR is supposed to be.

HR is supposed to be a place where people feel safe enough to speak, and safe enough to ask for support. But if HR is forced to show private conversations to their supervisor all the time, three things will happen:

1. Employees will stop coming to HR.
   
   
2. HR will stop daring to listen deeply, because they’re afraid of getting dragged into interrogations.
   
   
3. You’ll become an HR who works in self-protection mode, not someone who can truly help the organization.

And that’s exactly how an organization gets damaged — without visible blood.

Another key point:
You said,

“At first I let her see my chats out of good faith, but after it kept happening, I started getting sick of it.”

What does that mean?

It means she has already learned that this tactic works on you.

You didn’t intend to give her that power — but you opened the door for her.
And once that door has been opened, it becomes much harder to close, because she can now say:

“You used to show me before. Why won’t you show me now?”

This is not about blaming you.

This is about identifying the exact point where you need to take ownership so you can change the game.

As long as you keep standing in the role of
“I’m innocent so I’ll submit to inspection to prove it,”
you will never win this game.

You’ll just keep getting more exhausted, until eventually you want to quit — even though you did nothing wrong.

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2) “Don’t give documents too quickly” + still asking to see your chats:

This isn’t risk management. It’s micromanagement driven by paranoia.

Your supervisor briefed you: when employees request documents, don’t give them out right away; inform her first.

You followed that: you didn’t give out the document immediately, and you reported it first.

But she still called you into her office to see the chat, to check whether you had secretly given it before informing her.

At this point, it’s not just “being cautious.”

It’s controlling you because she fundamentally doesn’t trust you, and doing it in a way that quietly strips away your professional dignity.

If your supervisor were truly serious about compliance and risk, she would:

• Set a clear SOP for which documents can be given and which cannot.

• Define what requires a request form, who approves, and what’s logged.

• Create a standard request & log process that is fair to both employees and the organization.

• Use that system as the frame of reference.

You would simply follow the SOP. End of story.

But instead, she uses personal suspicion as her operating system.

• Today she wants to see chats about employment contracts.

• Tomorrow she wants to see chats about someone coming to you for emotional support.

• The day after, she wants chats about lateness notifications.

In the end, you’re not doing HR —
You’re doing the job of “providing screenshots so your boss can calm her anxiety with senior management.”

You’re a Senior HR.

Not a portable CCTV camera.

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3) Being suspected of altering time records:

This is a serious accusation, not something to toss around casually.

This is the part where I genuinely feel for you, because it hits directly at professional ethics and credibility.

Accusing HR of editing attendance data to cover up lateness is basically accusing you of data fraud.

That’s not “just checking.”

That’s throwing a grenade at your reputation.

And the bitter part?
The whole thing started because you asked employees:

“Were you actually late, or did you forget to clock in and the system marked you late?”

Which is a completely reasonable HR/time-attendance question — especially if the MD wants reasons recorded.

But senior management decides to interpret this as:

“You’re asking so you can change the time for them, right?”

What does that reflect?

It reflects that senior management views people through a “catch them doing wrong” lens, and their default mental model is suspicion.

And what does your supervisor do?

Instead of shielding you from a damaging accusation by handling it professionally (e.g. checking audit trails, access logs, permissions), she brings it back to you as an interrogation and ends with:

“I figured you wouldn’t do something like that.
But if it ever happens, I’d approve firing you on the spot because it’s a serious violation.”

On the surface, that sounds like she trusts you.

But there’s a small knife hidden in that sentence.

It implies:

“I’m still keeping the possibility open that you might do that,
and I’m announcing my power to punish you if you do.”

Emotionally, that’s not support.
It’s control through fear.

Your eyes nearly popping out? That’s normal.
They basically poked at the very thing you hold as your professional pride.

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4) “I ask to see your chats so I can defend you”:

Sounds noble. In reality, it’s shifting the burden of proof onto you.

Your supervisor says she questions you, investigates you, and asks to see your chats so that if senior management ever doubts you, she can answer clearly and defend you.

It sounds like a shield.

But in practice, she’s building a system where you are required to regularly submit proof of your innocence to her.

If she really wanted to protect you, she would:

• Protect processes, not just you as a person.

• Clearly define what “HR conversation confidentiality” means and where its limits are.

• When management asks questions, respond using formal processes: audit logs, access rights, documented approvals.

• Not use your private chats as her primary evidence.

Because once private chats become a currency to “buy trust,”
privacy itself turns into a token you’re forced to hand over.

And the scary part is:

this can easily spread from “work matters” into “personal life.”

• Today she wants work chats.

• Tomorrow she might ask about chats related to relationships with colleagues.

• Next she might start asking, “Why are you so close with that person?”

And you already said it yourself —
You feel like you’re back in high school, being sent to the discipline office.

You’re not overthinking it.
You’re picking up on the signals of a system that is treating you like a suspect.

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So is your supervisor toxic?

If I answer as an HR professional, but in friend mode:

Your supervisor is displaying a toxic leadership pattern of
“trust deficit + control compulsion.”
She’s driven by distrust, and she compensates for that by trying to control every detail — even parts of your personal life.

But let me be fair and include the wider context:

In some companies, senior management is the primary source of paranoia.

Your supervisor may be so afraid of them that she’s turned herself into an investigator to survive.

That means she might not be “evil at the core,”
but she has chosen a strategy that hurts other people to keep herself safe.

Regardless of whether the root is fear or actual toxicity,
the effect on you is the same: toxic.

Because you’re now in an environment where you have to constantly prove yourself, even though you perform well and got promoted quickly.

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Things you need to gently—but honestly—remind yourself

Let me say this as a friend who doesn’t want to watch you burn out:

1) You’re great at explaining, but you’re not yet good at setting boundaries.

You’re thorough. You report clearly. You’re transparent and act in good faith.

But you haven’t clearly drawn the line between:

• “What is work data that can be checked,” and

• “What is private space that should not be requested.”

Being a good HR doesn’t mean showing everyone everything so they feel comfortable.

It means designing transparency without violating rights.

Right now, you’re working like this:
“Please trust me — I’ll show you everything.”

That puts you at a permanent disadvantage.

2) You’re trading “politeness” for your right to dignity.

You said you’re very polite with seniors and management. That’s a good thing.

But politeness should not become a license for others to cross your boundaries.

In corporate life, politeness is a tool.
Boundaries are your property line.

If you smile well but have no fence, people will eventually walk into your house and sit on your bed with their shoes still on.

3) You’re already “sick of it” — that’s not drama. That’s a red flag.

That feeling of being fed up? That’s accumulation.

It means you no longer believe the environment is fair.

If you let this continue, it won’t just be “I hate this company.”

It will become “I hate HR,”

when in reality, what you actually hate is the environment you’re being forced to practice HR in.

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Practical ways out (not just pretty words)

Let’s break this into three levels:
Immediate fixes / System fixes / Backup plan

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A) Immediate:

Shift the game from “show me your chats” to “show me process evidence.”

Keyword: change the battlefield.

Stop playing the “prove yourself by handing over your phone” game.

Push everything into system-based evidence instead.

1. When your supervisor asks to see chats, answer like this (polite but firm):

“I understand that you need to respond to senior management.
But these are private chats and also contain personal information of employees and third parties.
I’m not comfortable showing them directly.”

“If you need the details, I can summarize the key points in writing — for example: what the employee asked for, what I replied, and what the next action will be.”

“And if you need evidence, we can set up a request log or form so everything is traceable in the system for every case.”

You’re not just saying “no.”
You’re offering a more professional alternative.

If you only say “I won’t show you,” she’ll interpret that as “you’re hiding something.”

If you say “I won’t show you my phone, but I’ll create a proper record,” you’re raising the standard.

2. From now on, do not hand over your phone for them to scroll.

Because that creates a precedent.

If you’ve let it happen before, and you suddenly stop, they’ll be more upset.

This time, you need to show that you’re not hiding —
you’re upgrading the process.

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B) System-level fixes:

Create just two SOPs, and a lot of the chaos will calm down.

SOP #1: Employee Document Request

Make a simple flow:

• Which documents employees have the rights to request for themselves (e.g. their own employment contract, employment letters, etc.)

• How identity is verified (company email, request form, ID copy, etc.)

• Who needs to approve (if anyone).

• Time frame for providing documents (SLA).

• Log each request.

Once this exists, it becomes much harder for your supervisor to “catch you out,” because you’re following documented procedure.

If management is suspicious, you present the SOP + log.
Not your LINE screen.

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SOP #2: Time Attendance Correction Protocol

This one is critical, because accusations about altering time records are severe.

Specify clearly:

• Who has permission to adjust time entries in the system.

• What evidence is required (photo, email, ticket number, etc.).

• Whether a manager’s approval is needed, and in what form.

• How the system keeps an audit trail (most systems do).

• Produce a monthly correction report for MD/Finance.

Once this protocol exists, management will stop assuming HR can just “edit records at will,” because you can demonstrate controls.

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C) Managing the relationship with your supervisor without destroying yourself

Here’s the tough part:

Your supervisor is not always seeking information because she genuinely needs it.
Sometimes she’s seeking information because she needs to feel safe.

And with people like that, it doesn’t matter if you are 100% innocent —
they can still keep asking for more proof.

So you need to make her feel “safe” through systems, not through searching your private life.

Try a 1:1 conversation with a collaborative tone, not confrontational:

“I understand that you’re under pressure from senior management.
But the constant requests to see my private chats are making it harder for me to do my job, and it’s risky in terms of employee confidentiality too.”

“I’d like to suggest that we use logs and SOPs so you can confidently respond to management without needing to rely on anyone’s personal chats.”

“I’m happy to help draft the documents and build the flow so it protects both you and the company.”

Here, you’re speaking the language of “risk reduction”, which management loves.

You’re also showing your supervisor:
“I help you survive this political environment,”
without having to sacrifice yourself.

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And if you do all this and nothing changes?

Then we have to be brutally honest.

If this company’s culture is built on “suspect first, trust later,” and your supervisor is committed to running investigations as a lifestyle, you realistically have two options:

1. Stay with armor on:
   Do your job properly, document everything in the system, set boundaries, and stop expecting trust or emotional safety from this boss.
   
   
2. Plan a professional exit:
   If this environment keeps grinding down your mental health, you need to prepare an exit plan with dignity — not as someone who’s burned out and broken.

Because don’t forget —
You’re a Senior HR.

If you stay in a place where HR is consistently treated as a suspect, it will slowly erase your own sense of “what professional HR should look like.”

And I don’t want you to lose that.

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Final question: “Am I just overthinking this?”

No, you are not overthinking.

What’s happening is: your instincts are kicking in to protect your dignity and your boundaries.

If anything, you’ve been a bit late in drawing those boundaries.

You’re professional and kind-hearted. You believe transparency will earn trust.

But in a world where people have severe trust issues, transparency doesn’t always make them trust you more.
Sometimes it just makes them ask for even more, because they see you’ll comply.

To put it bluntly, as a friend:

You’re dealing with someone who’s treating your good faith like a buffet —

and you’re still standing there refilling their plate yourself.

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Actionable summary (things you can literally start using tomorrow)

• Stop showing your private chats.
  Instead, offer written summaries and formal logs as evidence.

• Create a documented SOP for employee document requests, with logs and clear rules.

• Create a Time Attendance Correction Protocol with audit trails and monthly reports.

• Have a 1:1 with your supervisor framed as “I want to reduce your risk and make it easier for you to answer top management,” not just “I feel uncomfortable.”

• If, after all that, you’re still treated like a perpetual suspect,
  start building an exit plan as someone who knows their worth — not as someone who’s been worn down.

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