I’ve developed a crush on a senior colleague at work who already has a girlfriend.

Let’s talk about this

I’ve developed a crush on a senior colleague at work who already has a girlfriend. I feel guilty towards my own boyfriend because I secretly have feelings for this colleague — I’m interested, preoccupied, curious to know more about him, I like him, admire him, and am very taken with the graphic designer at my workplace.

My feelings for my boyfriend aren’t 100% like they used to be anymore. I’m tired of his face, tired of his personality — the nagging, the nitpicking, and his constant attempts to change me into whatever he wants, without really understanding how exhausting my work actually is.

Over time, when I stopped giving him attention, he got sulky, resentful, and emotionally numb towards me. And because we live and work in different provinces, and our working hours are different, that’s made us even more distant — to the point where it’s almost like we’re just friends rather than lovers.

These days we barely talk about anything. The only message we exchange is “Good night.” If I don’t call him, he doesn’t think to call me at all. I’ve stopped expecting anything now.

At the very least, if my boyfriend would listen to me, that would still mean something, because deep down I still believe that he’s the one who knows me best and could recharge my energy. But what actually happens is: whenever we talk on the phone, he only talks about himself. It’s like his world revolves around him alone, without any concern for how I’m doing, whether I’m okay or falling apart.

This has built up to the point where I’ve grown more and more emotionally cold towards him. It’s like once I took off the “love filter,” my eyes opened. I started seeing things more as they are, and I’m sure I don’t want to choose him as my life partner. (Just imagining our future if we got married already feels exhausting.)

At first, I didn’t think anything of the graphic designer.
But after we started chatting casually and I complained to him about work, I began to feel better and better with him over time. That gradually extended to following each other on social media. And that made me want to get to know him more and more.

I like checking his profiles often, because it feels like I’m getting to know him through his posts — seeing what he likes, what he’s currently into, or how he thinks about different things. He comes across as mysterious and very cool.

But I don’t intend to change our status from co-workers into anything more, because I’m still lucid enough to know that I already have a boyfriend. On top of that, he probably has someone he likes or is talking to already. And he probably is just naturally friendly.

All I can do is keep pressing down these feelings with patience, over and over. But my feelings towards my boyfriend are no longer 100% like they used to be.

How should I manage myself from here?

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Here’s how I see it:

You’re pretty bold for saying all this out loud.
Oops, sorry — that was just the voice in my head coming in a bit too loud. 😖

We humans, huh?
Whenever someone new comes along, we start collecting reasons to justify ourselves so we don’t look like the bad guy in our own story:

“I feel better with this other person because my partner is so controlling.”
“I keep thinking about this other person; can’t be helped, my boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to me at all.”

Blah, blah, blah.

If I wanted to be brutally efficient, I could just say:

“If he’s that bad, just break up with your boyfriend and go after the new guy. Simple.”

But if I end it there, this post is going to be over way too fast.
Let’s actually dig into this in a way that teaches something, instead. 👇

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…Your feelings aren’t the problem.

It’s what you do with them that determines whether you grow — or wreck yourself.

Your situation is like a scene in a drama series where the audience is cheering, “Go be with the new guy!” because he seems cooler, more exciting, more alive.

But real life doesn’t come with a soundtrack to drown out the consequences.

And what you’re facing isn’t just a love triangle.
It’s actually two overlapping issues:

1. Your existing relationship is running out of fuel (and you’re losing faith in it) (or you might be using that as an excuse to justify yourself).
   
   
2. The new person (the graphic designer) has become an escape hatch your brain uses to breathe.

And if you don’t separate these two issues clearly, you’ll end up making decisions out of hunger, not truth.

Hunger for understanding.

Hunger to be listened to.

Hunger for excitement.

Hunger for the feeling that you’re still attractive.

Once you get a “taste” of that from the graphic designer, your brain starts telling you, “This must be the answer,” when in reality, he might just be anesthetic.

Let me walk you through this like a story.
We’ll walk into each “scene” together, and then decide what to do next without lying to yourself.

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Scene 1: The boyfriend who used to feel like home has turned into a stuffy room with no air

You said:

• Your feelings toward your boyfriend aren’t 100% like before.

• You’re tired of his face and his nagging, and of him trying to reshape you into what he wants.

• He doesn’t understand how much you’re exhausted by work.

• When you don’t give him attention, he sulks, feels hurt, and becomes numb.

• You two live in different provinces, get off work at different times, so you’ve drifted apart to where you feel more like friends than a couple.

• You barely talk daily — just “Good night” texts.

• If you don’t call, he doesn’t call.

• When you do talk, he only talks about himself — the world revolves around him.

• You’ve become cold.

• You’ve “taken off the love filter” and now see things more clearly.

• You’re sure you don’t want him as a life partner.

• Just picturing a future marriage with him already feels exhausting.

If I sum this up without sugar-coating:

This relationship is dying slowly. You can see the corpse right there, but you still don’t want to declare it dead.

And the guilt you feel isn’t only because you have a crush on someone else.
You feel guilty because deep down, you know your heart is no longer fully with your boyfriend.

You’re like someone still living in the same old house but secretly browsing for condos online and thinking, “Am I a terrible person for thinking this way?”

The truth is… you’re not terrible for feeling this way.

You’re just facing the reality that relationships need care, and right now, yours has been reduced to just “status” and “habit.”

Here’s a soft but serious reminder:

A relationship that’s reduced to “Good night” texts isn’t really love anymore.
It’s just a nightly roll call.

You’re doing it so you can say, “We haven’t broken up yet,” when in reality, the relationship has emotionally ended a long time ago.

It hurts. But it’s true.

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Scene 2: The graphic designer = a room where the windows are open and you can finally breathe

You said:

• At first you didn’t think anything of him.

• After some casual talking and venting about work, you felt increasingly good around him.

• You followed each other on social media.

• You love checking his profiles; it feels like getting to know him through his posts.

• He seems intriguing, cool, and insightful.

• You’re obsessed, interested, curious, admiring, and very taken with him.

• But you’re still clear-headed enough to not try to upgrade the relationship.

• You know you have a boyfriend.

• You suspect he likely has someone he likes or is talking to.

• You think he might just be a naturally friendly guy.

• You keep pressing down your feelings repeatedly.

• But your feelings for your boyfriend are no longer 100%.

Here’s the picture I want you to see clearly, without lying to yourself:

The graphic designer may not have “done anything wrong” at all.
But he has become a place where you can be more yourself than with your boyfriend.

He:

• Listens

• Acknowledges

• Doesn’t judge

• Shares the same work context

• Is physically present in your daily environment

• Makes you feel seen, not just “someone to be fixed”

So he doesn’t just represent a crush.
He represents everything you’re missing.

And here’s where I have to throw in a serious reality check:

You’re not in love with “the graphic designer” as a whole human being.
You’re in love with:

“The version of him your brain has built from scraps of information, social media posts, and limited conversations.”

Which has a very high chance of being idealization — making him seem more special than he is — because you’re emotionally deprived in your current relationship.

And social media? It’s like a carefully curated product catalog.
No one posts their worst moments: the sulking, the selfishness, the petty jealousies, the road rage.

You’re consuming his highlights, and your brain is filling in the rest.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person.

I’m saying:

“You don’t know enough yet to decide he’s your ‘way out.’
Right now, he’s just the open window that lets fresh air in.”

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Scene 3: Your guilt = proof you still have a moral compass — but morality needs actions, not just feelings

You feel guilty towards your boyfriend.
That’s good. It means you’re not yet numb to lying.

But guilt shouldn’t just be an excuse to beat yourself up and then keep living the same way.

It should be a signal that you need to align your life with the truth.

The truth right now:

• You don’t see a future with your boyfriend.

• You’re tired of his habits.

• You feel neglected.

• You’ve started to pull back emotionally.

• Your heart has started attaching itself elsewhere (even if you haven’t acted on it physically).

If you keep dating your boyfriend as things are:

You might not be “physically cheating,”
but you’re already emotionally cheating.

And that will make you even more irritated with him, because you’ll slowly start seeing him as:

“The obstacle between me and my happiness.”

When in reality, he’s just:

“The person you haven’t yet had the courage to end things with clearly.”

Let me throw a slightly condescending but honest observation:

You might not be as “attached” to the graphic designer as you think.
You might just be attached to having an excuse not to deal with your actual problems in your relationship.

Because as long as there’s someone new to think about, you don’t have to stare directly at the emptiness of your current relationship.

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So what should you do with yourself from here?

I’m going to give you two paths — both are “grown-up” paths.
And I’ll point out the “immature” path that usually leads to disaster.

Grown-up path (recommended):

• Separate the two issues.

• Deal with your relationship with your boyfriend first.

• Set boundaries with the graphic designer so you don’t just drift along with your emotions.

• Decide later who you want in your future — or whether you want to be single for a while.

Immature path (classic crash route):

• Use the graphic designer as fuel for your decision.

• Get excited by him → hate your boyfriend more → pick a fight → break up → throw yourself at the new guy.

• Then later find out the new guy isn’t what you imagined, or isn’t truly available.

• Result: you get hurt twice and potentially damage your reputation at work.

So yeah. We’re taking the grown-up route.

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Step 1: “Stop lying to yourself” about your boyfriend

Ask yourself these 4 questions honestly:

1. If the graphic designer didn’t exist, would you still want to stay with your boyfriend?
   
   
2. Do you still love him as a romantic partner, or do you just “care about him as someone who used to be important”?
   
   
3. If he never changes, can you still bear the idea of marrying him?
   
   
4. Are you okay living another year of “different provinces + Good night texts only”?

If most of your answers are “no,” then the problem isn’t the graphic designer.

The problem is that this relationship no longer fits your life.

And if you truly don’t see a future with your boyfriend, then you need to do the hard but fair thing: have a real conversation about the relationship.

Not a screaming match.
A serious, adult conversation asking:

“Are we still actually in this, or are we just dragging it along?”

Sample script (soft but clear):

“I feel like we’ve become really distant, to the point where I don’t really feel like we’re a couple anymore.
I’m tired of our conversations feeling like I’m not really being listened to.
I want us to seriously talk about whether we still want to keep going, and if we do, what needs to change.”

Then watch his reactions, not just his words.

• A smooth talker may promise anything.

• Someone who genuinely cares will actually change behavior.

If he continues with the same “world revolves around me” pattern, you’ll know clearly:

“This is not someone I want as a life partner.”

If he genuinely tries, you’ll see whether there’s still something worth rebuilding.

Either way, having that conversation pulls you out of the grey zone where you’re constantly feeling guilty.

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Step 2: Set boundaries with the graphic designer (to protect yourself)

Right now, you’re “consuming” him through social media.
That’s what fuels your obsession — your brain is thinking about him all day.

You need to treat this like cutting down sugar.
Not an immediate ban, but a serious reduction in exposure.

Do these 5 things:

1. Limit the social media stalking.

• Set a time limit — like 10 minutes a day, or 2 days a week.

• If you can’t stick to that, mute his stories or hide his posts for a while.

• You don’t have to block him completely, but you do need to stop feeding your brain constant images of him.

2. Keep conversations within work context.

• Casual chat is fine, but don’t turn him into your primary emotional support line.

• Right now, you’re starved for someone who listens. If he becomes your “therapist,” you’ll get attached extremely fast.

3. No secret moments.

• Don’t start late-night one-on-one chats.

• Don’t create conversations you’d be embarrassed to have someone else see.

• Don’t initiate anything that feels like a secret romance.

4. Observe his behavior.

• Is he friendly with everyone, or just you?

• Does he give you mixed signals or emotional breadcrumbs?

• Has he tried to ask you out one-on-one outside of work?

• Does he actually have a girlfriend? (You’re not fully sure.)
  You need to know whether he is a kind, friendly person — or someone who likes to toy with feelings.

5. Keep reminding yourself: he’s a coworker, not your escape plan.

• This is your workplace.

• Your career and stability are on the line.

• Don’t bet your entire emotional and professional future on someone you barely know yet.

This isn’t about being overly virtuous.
It’s about controlling the game so you don’t lose both your job and your sanity.

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Step 3: Decide based on truth, not on adrenaline

Once you’ve:

• Talked honestly with your boyfriend, and

• Set boundaries with the graphic designer,

your view will be much clearer.

There are three likely outcomes:

Outcome A: You and your boyfriend can genuinely repair things

If he starts listening, adjusting, and investing in the relationship again, your obsession with the graphic designer may fade on its own — because the emotional gap has been filled.

Outcome B: You and your boyfriend can’t move forward

If you’re sure you don’t want him as a life partner, you should end the relationship cleanly before opening any new doors.

If you start something new while still tangled up in the old, you’re signing up for:

• Lingering guilt

• Drama

• Potential mess at work

Outcome C: You don’t want anyone right now

Sometimes what you really need isn’t a new relationship.
It’s time alone to exist as yourself without being forced into anyone’s expectations.

If you’re exhausted, being single for a while is recharging, not failure.

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Your blind spots (said softly, but it needs saying)

Let me talk to you like a friend who sees your patterns:

1. You allowed silence in the relationship to become normal.

• Good night texts only, no real conversations.

• You “stopped expecting.”

• Giving up expectations isn’t always strength. Sometimes it’s a quiet surrender

2. You’re using your crush as a shield from reality.

• Not because you’re a bad person.

• But because you’re tired and need comfort.

• The problem is: if you don’t tackle the root issues, you’ll repeat this pattern in future relationships too.

3. You haven’t communicated openly and fairly with your boyfriend.

• You’ve been building up resentment until you’re emotionally cold.

• Then when someone new appears, it amplifies how awful your boyfriend seems.

• But he doesn’t know the full truth of where you stand emotionally.

If you care about fairness, he deserves to know the broad truth about how far you’ve drifted — not all the gritty details, but enough to not be trapped in an illusion.

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A step-by-step self-management plan (actually doable)

First 7 days: Clear your head

• Cut down social media stalking of the graphic designer by about 70%.

• Write a one-page reflection: “What I’m missing from my boyfriend” and “What I’m getting from the graphic designer.”

• Have one serious conversation with your boyfriend (not a “Good night” text).

Week 2: Set relationship standards

• Ask your boyfriend for something concrete, like:
  “Can we have proper calls 2–3 times a week where we both actually listen?”

• Watch whether he follows through or just talks about it.

Week 3: Make a decision

• If he doesn’t change and you don’t see a future → end the relationship clearly.

• If things genuinely improve → set new communication rules together.

• Regardless of the outcome, keep your boundaries with the graphic designer.

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Short answer, without lying to yourself

You should manage yourself by:

• Clarifying your existing relationship first, and

• Setting firm boundaries with the graphic designer, so your infatuation doesn’t drag you somewhere you never consciously chose.

Having a crush is not a crime.
But letting that crush become your escape route while you keep dating someone with half your heart?

That’s not fair to him — and in the long run, it won’t be fair to you either.

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🔑🔑🔑 crush on coworker, emotional cheating, long-distance relationship problems, relationship dissatisfaction, idealization, social media stalking, workplace boundaries, managing feelings, break up or stay, self-awareness in relationships, emotional needs, setting boundaries, relationship communication