I cheated on my husband and I want advice.

Let’s talk about this

I want to hear many people’s opinions. I’d like advice about a family problem—infidelity.

Before marriage, I caught my husband paying for sex. We talked and he said he wouldn’t do it again. Less than a month after we got married, I caught him again from his chat messages. 

He insisted he was only chatting to ask the price and hadn’t made an appointment and nothing went beyond that. I forgave him and lived with him for almost two years.

In the second year, he became more addicted to gaming. We work in different provinces, but we come home to see each other every weekend. On normal days we talk for no more than 5 minutes—some days not even 1 minute. I had things I wanted to talk about and ask for advice, but we basically didn’t talk at all. When we met, we argued often. 

During that period I started feeling tired and bored with everything. Then someone came into my life and I talked to that person. I could talk to him about different things. I could consult him about almost everything and talked to him about nearly every topic—until my husband found out.

We were apart for about a month, then got back together again. I apologized and explained everything to him, hoping he would adjust—stop neglecting me and pay more attention to me. But the more I opened up, the more we fought. He said that’s not a valid reason for a married person to do something like this. So we stopped bringing it up.

Now it’s been almost three months. The problems now are:

1. Money: We come home and see each other every weekend, but he no longer helps pay the water and electricity bills at home, which we used to split. When I asked if he could help, he said then he wouldn’t come see me and we should live together as just the two of us. 

In the end I gave in and pay alone. (I also have to pay rent, utilities, and internet for the place I rent near work as well—so I’m paying for two places by myself.) Even small things he used to cover for me, like doctor visits when I’m sick, he doesn’t pay anymore. 

I’m not asking for his money, but I believe spouses should help each other. I’m ready to help him too.

2. Housework: He doesn’t help with any housework at all now. We used to split it. Now he does nothing.

3. Marriage registration: We’re both civil servants. To transfer and live together, we need a marriage registration certificate. We didn’t register at first because I had debt—I had to borrow money for my family, so I didn’t want him involved at that time.

After this incident, he said he still doesn’t want to register with me, so I can’t move to live with him.

4. Having a child: I’m in my 30s and he’s in his 40s. We’ve been trying naturally but I haven’t gotten pregnant, so we thought it might be difficult and talked about getting checked at a clinic. 

The doctor said that if ovulation stimulation doesn’t work, we might need IUI, but we need a marriage certificate to do it legally. He told me to just keep trying naturally first. I’m very sad because I’m getting older every day.

5. Buying a house: We have savings together that he used to transfer into my account every month. Now he doesn’t transfer it anymore, saying he doesn’t want to build anything together with me anymore.

Other relationship issues:

1. At first, he blocked me on every platform and cursed at me with profanity. I endured and didn’t retaliate because I truly was wrong. I truly regret it. Then he came back to me on his own.

After that, he didn’t reply to my messages at all, saying we should only talk when we meet, because he keeps thinking about me talking to someone else. After two or three weeks, he started replying normally again.

2. When we travel out of town, he pays most expenses, but I always transfer money back to him. I don’t want to take advantage of him.

3. He has started touching me more. At first he said he was disgusted by me, hated me, wouldn’t hold my hand even when walking together. Now he hugs and kisses me all the time like before the incident. We have sex normally.

4. His family still welcomes me because he also did wrong to me before. At that time, his mother begged me to stay. Now that I did wrong to him, his family forgave me. I’m deeply grateful and thankful. When we got back together at first, he didn’t want to “go public” or let anyone know because he was ashamed of what I did. But now everyone knows we’re together again—except on Facebook he still won’t set his relationship status with me like before.

5. Every time we meet, he makes sarcastic comments and digs at me about that issue constantly. I endure it because I’m wrong. Recently he’s been doing it less, but it still keeps coming back.

What kind of relationship is this? Is there any hope that he will build a future with me again? I don’t want to just live day by day. I want a complete family. I want to build everything with him. I will do everything and any way to make it better. Please advise me. I was wrong. Please don’t insult me or kick me while I’m down. I truly regret it and will never do it again.

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Here’s how I see it:

Okay… I’m going to talk to you like a friend sitting at the end of the bed, saying it straight. Not flattering you, not piling on, but also not letting you drift into the fantasy of “if I just endure long enough, it will magically get better.” 

Because right now it’s not magically getting better—it’s re-forming into a new relationship structure. And that new structure is exactly what you need to read clearly before you stake your entire future on it.

Two truths can exist at the same time in your story. 

If you can hold both without lying to yourself, your path becomes much clearer:

• You did wrong (talking to another person until your husband caught it is betrayal, regardless of how far it went).

• Your husband also did wrong—and right now he’s punishing you by “holding power” in the marriage (cutting money, cutting future plans, cutting status, cutting cooperation—while still taking closeness and sex as normal).

Both are true at once. Accepting both truths is not “making excuses.” It’s not getting lost.

Because what you’re experiencing now is not just “he’s still hurt.”

It’s a relationship sliding into the model of “together, but not building a life.”

To put it even more plainly: he still wants a “wife” in the sense of physical closeness, but he does not want a “life partner” he builds a future with.

And if you want a child, want a home, want to move to live together… you must stop using “he hugs me again” and “we have sex again” as proof that the future is back. Those are body signals, not future signals.

1) The background matters: your relationship had cracks before your mistake

Before marriage, you caught him paying for sex. That’s not small. It’s not just about sex—it involves risk, secrecy, money, attitudes toward fidelity, and safety.

Then less than a month after marriage, you caught suspicious chats again (he claimed it was only asking prices). Whether that was true or not, the important part is this: your trust system was being hit from the beginning.

Then in year two, he became more addicted to gaming, you were long-distance by provinces, and your daily conversations were often under five minutes—sometimes under one minute. You had things to talk about, things to seek support on, but you couldn’t. When you met, you fought.

I’ll be blunt: loneliness inside a marriage is more dangerous than people admit. It creates hunger for being seen and heard. And when someone shows up who listens, it’s like dehydration meeting a cold soda—you know it’s not water, but it feels good in that moment.

So you talked to someone else, and your husband found out.

That’s where things broke.

But don’t reduce it to “it broke because you alone are bad.” It broke because this relationship already had problems with fidelity and connection, and the emotional neglect created a gap where a third person could enter.

That is not an excuse. It’s important data—because repair requires fixing both the betrayal and the relational system that left you emotionally starving.

2) What kind of relationship is this right now?

You asked: “What is this relationship?”

Here’s the straight answer:

Right now it’s a relationship under probation.

Like a suspended sentence—except one person is acting as judge, prosecutor, and probation officer all at once.

Your pattern shows it clearly:

• He came back.

• He restored physical closeness: hugs, kisses, sex.

• His family still accepts you.

But he cut life partnership: money, housework, shared future, marriage registration, children, shared assets.

That’s the signature of someone who still wants to be with you emotionally/physically, but refuses to restore trust and partnership at the life-structure level.

And an important warning:

Sex does not automatically equal forgiveness. Some people have sex out of habit, desire, comfort, emotional contradiction, or even as a way to reassert “you’re still mine.” The result is the same: it does not answer your future questions.

3) The five big issues: boundary-setting or punishment?

This is the key distinction. If you don’t separate these, you’ll keep sacrificing yourself hoping for a miracle.

3.1 Money: refusing bills + threatening not to visit

Healthy boundaries sound like: “I’m not ready to share X yet, here’s a clear plan and timeline.”
What he’s doing is: stop helping, and if you ask, he says he won’t come—so you give in and pay everything.

That’s starting to look less like “I’m hurt” and more like “I’ll use leverage until you submit.”

3.2 Housework: doing nothing at all

Pain can make someone withdraw, yes. But if he still comes over, uses the shared space, eats, rests—then refusing all contribution becomes a withdrawal of responsibility, not just a wound.

3.3 Marriage registration: refusing to register

This is a major lever because it blocks relocation and fertility options. He is keeping an exit route open. That isn’t automatically “evil,” but if he wants to stay, he must offer fair conditions and a timeframe, not leave you in indefinite waiting.

3.4 Children: delaying when time matters more for you

If he is not ready, he needs to say it plainly. If he keeps dodging, he’s letting your fertility window close quietly. And I’m sorry, but that’s the reality: “let’s just try naturally” can be a way of avoiding decisions while your clock keeps moving.

3.5 Shared savings/house: refusing to build anything together

This is the clearest sign: “I don’t want a shared future.” At least right now.

4) What he may be doing psychologically

This often looks like “revenge in a polite suit.”
Not revenge with screaming, but revenge through daily costs.

• You wounded him → he stabs back with sarcasm.

• You made him feel unstable → he makes you unstable by freezing the future.

• He feels used → he withholds support.

The danger is: if he stays in this mode too long, the relationship won’t heal—it will become a punishment-based marriage, where you pay forever and he keeps the power forever.

And here’s the part you need to hear:
If you keep “accepting anything” as penance, you might keep him near you…
but you won’t get a partner. You’ll get a supervisor of your guilt.

That is exhausting. And it eventually recreates loneliness—the same loneliness that made you vulnerable to emotional connection elsewhere.

5) What real accountability looks like (without destroying yourself)

You regret it. Good. But real accountability is not “accept lifelong punishment.”

Real accountability is:

1. Admit wrongdoing without excuses.
   
   
2. Understand why you got there (so it doesn’t repeat).
   
   
3. Accept that forgiveness has a cost—but the cost must be fair, not a lifetime debt.

You’ve done #1.
Now you need #2 and #3—otherwise you’ll keep living in a fog of “I’ll just endure.”

6) The critical question: does he want to forgive, or does he want to win?

If he wants forgiveness, he can still be angry and hurt—but he will eventually cooperate in rebuilding.

If he wants to win, he will:

• keep bringing it up as a weapon

• use money, registration, children, assets as control levers

• keep you proving yourself endlessly

• still accept physical intimacy while withholding partnership

I’m not calling him a villain. I’m saying: if he stays in “win mode,” this will never become a real team again.

7) Is there hope?

Yes—if he’s willing to do four things:

1. Discuss the betrayal in an adult way (not constant stabbing).
   
   
2. Build a mutual repair plan (not you paying alone).
   
   
3. Restore partnership step-by-step (money, chores, future planning).
   
   
4. Accept that repair requires his effort too—not only “you never do it again.”

If he refuses partnership but keeps you for closeness, your future goals—child, house, moving—will stall.

And for someone who wants a child and a stable household, “stalling” is not neutral. It’s losing time.

8) A concrete plan: stabilize → repair → decide

Phase 1: Stabilize (stop the “floating relationship”)

Schedule a serious talk (not during a fight). Use words that are accountable but clear.

Script you can use:

“I know I was wrong, and I take responsibility. I’m not arguing that.

But I feel like we’re in a relationship where I still have the role of a partner physically, yet I don’t have the role of a life teammate.

I need to know directly: do you still want to build a future with me?

If yes, we need a plan—money, chores, moving, marriage registration, and children.

If you’re not ready, I need clear conditions or a timeframe. I can’t live in indefinite waiting.”

Notice: you’re not threatening. You’re asking for clarity.

Phase 2: Repair (if he wants to continue)

You need structure, not just promises:

• daily/weekly communication agreement

• gaming boundaries + couple time

• fair expense plan

• rule: the betrayal topic gets discussed only in “repair space,” not as daily knives

• if possible: couples counseling or at least a written agreement (not legal, just clear)

And your work:

• cut all third-party channels completely and transparently

• understand your loneliness trigger and build non-romantic support (friends, counseling, routines)

• create a relapse-prevention system

Phase 3: Decide (if partnership doesn’t return)

Ask yourself:

• If 12 months pass and there is still no registration, no IUI plan, no relocation plan, no shared building… can you accept that?

• If he keeps sex but refuses future-building, how long can you live in that role without breaking?

• Do you want “a husband” or do you want “a complete family plan”? Because right now, you’re not getting both.

9) Money: make it fair, not emotional

You’re paying two households alone. That’s not sustainable.

Separate:

• shared costs (bills, food when together, household use)

• individual costs (your work rent, his personal expenses)

If he stays weekends and uses the space, he should contribute to shared costs. That’s not “building a house together.” That’s paying for the present.

Say it plainly:

“I’m not asking you to invest in a shared future if you’re not ready.

But shared living costs must be fair.

If they can’t be fair, we need to rethink how we’re living.”

10) Registration + fertility: don’t let your future be held indefinitely

He can refuse to register now—his right.

But you have the right to demand clarity:

• Why not?

• What conditions would change that?

• What timeline is fair?

And you must say:

“I respect that you’re not ready. But I need a plan for moving and fertility.

If you want to move forward, tell me what timeframe and what steps.

If not, I need to make decisions for my life.”

Because for fertility, “waiting” is not a neutral choice.

11) Sarcasm and profanity: pain does not give permanent permission

You endured because you were wrong.
But your wrongdoing does not grant anyone the right to emotionally punish you forever.

Occasional flare-ups early on can happen.
But if sarcasm becomes the culture of the relationship, love dies slowly.

Set a boundary:

“I accept responsibility and I understand you’re hurt.

But if we continue, we can’t keep using this as a weapon in everyday conflicts.

We can talk about it in repair conversations, not as constant jabs.”

If he refuses, that signals he wants to keep the wound as power.

12) Final summary—no self-deception

There is hope only if he returns to being a teammate in real-life structures, not just physical closeness.

If he keeps you close but refuses the future—registration, child planning, shared assets—then you are being kept in a holding pattern.

And the most important line for you:

Regret should not end in a life sentence of indefinite waiting. 

A marriage that truly repairs requires shared responsibility, not “one person paying forever while the other person keeps power.”

💓💓💓

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