My partner’s ex keeps stalking me.

Let’s talk about this:

At the beginning of my relationship with my partner—about the first month—there was a woman who kept sending follow requests to my Instagram over and over again. I deleted the requests repeatedly until the fifth time, when I finally accepted the follow. That’s when I found out she was my partner’s ex. So I messaged her directly, and she told me she was “just congratulating” me.

After that, she started stalking me on every platform—IG, TikTok, Facebook—until I had to block her everywhere. But then she created new accounts (with her own photo, like she wanted me to know it was her), or she had her friends stalk me instead, constantly. So I messaged her a second time, and she replied: 

“I think you’re cute and I want to be friends—if you weren’t the girlfriend of… (my partner’s name).”

More than a year passed, and I checked my partner’s phone and saw that this woman still stalks him constantly—liking his posts and messaging him sometimes. For example, if my partner liked one of her posts, she would message him like, “Was that on purpose? I thought you did it on purpose.” But my partner blocked her a long time ago—what I saw was an old chat from the beginning. Now I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it, or if her behavior is genuinely too much, so I want advice.

P.S. There are actually many more incidents of her interfering with my life, but I shortened it so everyone doesn’t have to read something too long ㅠㅠ. Honestly, right now I’m angry. I want revenge. I want to interfere with her relationship when she has a boyfriend—like she did to me. And honestly, the main thing I’m angry about isn’t even “the man.” I’m angry because she keeps coming into my life, monitoring me, stalking me. I want her to feel what it’s like to have a disruptive person inside a relationship. 

What does this woman want from me? ㅠㅠ I really want to do something back. I want her to feel it.

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Here’s how I see it:

Okay…this is not “overthinking.” Not even close.

This is ongoing harassment / repeated boundary violation. Maybe it’s not physical danger (based on what you’ve described), but it’s absolutely a psychological and privacy invasion. And the part that makes you furious enough to want revenge? I get it—because it feels like someone is constantly leaning into your life, watching through the window, and when you turn around and ask, they put on this “I’m innocent, I’m cute, I just want to be friends” mask.

Friend…people who genuinely want to be friends don’t do this:

• They don’t spam follow requests five times.

• They don’t create new accounts with their face on it like, “Surprise, I’m back.”

• They don’t send friends to monitor you as a workaround.

• And they don’t say things like:
  “I’d want to be friends if you weren’t the girlfriend of…”
  Because that isn’t friendship. That’s basically saying you are the obstacle.

Let me be blunt, with zero sugar-coating:
You have every right to feel angry, disgusted, violated, and ready to hit back. Because this is the kind of repeated intrusion that makes someone feel “crazy” while the other person acts like you’re the dramatic one.

But as your “talk-straight” friend who actually wants you to win, not just “feel satisfied for 10 minutes and then suffer for 10 months,” I need to give you a hard warning:

If you “revenge” her by interfering with her relationship, you’re stepping into the arena she’s good at—drama.
And the second you step in, she gets to flip the script and paint you as the villain. She wants reaction. She wants a show. She wants rent-free space in your head. If you play, you hand her what she wants—for free.

Can you “get even”? Yes.
But you do it by winning strategically, not by getting dirty in the same way.

I’m going to break this into four parts:

1. What she likely wants
   
   
2. Whether you’re overthinking (you’re not) and what this behavior actually is
   
   
3. What to do next that works in real life
   
   
4. The “revenge” that’s smart and safe (doesn’t blow up your life)

And yes—I’m also going to point out the one or two things you might be doing that unintentionally feed her, so you can stop giving her fuel.

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1) What does she want from you?

Short version: she doesn’t want “you” as a friend.
She wants what you represent in your partner’s life.

Here are the most common motives behind behavior like this:

Type 1: Superiority / ego / status

She may not even truly want your partner back.
But she can’t tolerate that her ex has a new life—and the new girlfriend is “cute” or looks happy.
Stalking you is her way of checking: Who is she? What does she have? Am I losing?

Creating new accounts is a way of reasserting:

“I still exist. I can still reach you.”

Type 2: Keeping a backup door open

Some people don’t “close the door” after a breakup. Not because they’re deeply in love, but because they want options.
Liking, occasional messages, little jokes—those are “signal checks.”
She’s testing if she still has access.

Type 3: Control / possessiveness

That line—

“If you weren’t his girlfriend, I’d want to be friends”

isn’t sweet. It’s territorial.
It’s basically: You’re only valuable if you’re not in my way.

Type 4: Reaction addiction (drama supply)

This one is common online.
She isn’t chasing love—she’s chasing power:

“Look how easily I can make you upset.”

And yes: blocking can sometimes “reward” this type, because they read it as proof they affect you—so they escalate with new accounts.

Type 5: Comparison obsession

She may be compulsively comparing:

• your looks

• your life

• your posts

• your relationship vibe
  Then she builds her own internal scoreboard of “win/lose.”

None of this is about you as a person.
It’s about her own unresolved issues—and her need for control.

Bottom line: she’s seeking power, not friendship.

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2) Are you overthinking? No. This is already far past “just looking.”

Let’s list the facts you gave:

• repeated follow requests (multiple times; you only accepted on the 5th)

• she is your partner’s ex

• she then monitored you across platforms

• you blocked → she created new accounts with her real photo (intentional visibility)

• she sent friends to monitor you

• she made a pointed statement about wanting to be your friend only if you weren’t his girlfriend

• a year later she’s still engaging your partner—likes, occasional messages, provocative comments

That’s not coincidence. That’s patterned, persistent boundary violation.
At minimum it’s harassment. In many contexts it fits what people call cyberstalking.

And here’s the real danger:
It’s pushing you toward becoming someone you don’t want to be—someone who retaliates in ways that could damage your reputation, your relationship, and your peace.

So yes—your anger makes sense.
But revenge in her style is the trap.

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3) Your honest weak spots (not blame—strategy)

You’re the target here, but there are three things you should know because they can unintentionally feed her:

Weak spot #1: Directly messaging her for explanations

You messaged twice. Totally understandable—you wanted clarity.
But for people like this, your message is proof: “I can reach you.”
It becomes fuel.

Weak spot #2: Wanting revenge through her relationship

This is the biggest risk. If you do that, she gets a clean narrative:

“See? She’s crazy. She’s attacking me.”

She becomes the “victim,” and you get dragged into a mess.

Weak spot #3: Putting your peace in her hands

If your peace depends on her stopping, you’re stuck.
She stops only when it becomes boring or too costly (blocked, reported, no access, no reaction).

So the goal is to make this behavior not worth it.

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4) What to do next (real solutions that work)

I’m giving you a three-layer plan: tech, relationship, evidence/safety.

Layer 1: Lock down your social media like you mean it

Instagram

• set to Private

• use Close Friends for real-life stories

• “Hide story from” for suspicious accounts

• remove unknown followers (no guilt)

Also:

• restrict mentions/tags (only people you follow)

• limit DMs (only followers or only people you follow)

TikTok

• limit who can message/comment

• restrict visibility where possible

Facebook

• lock down profile privacy

• hide friend list

• restrict who can see past posts

If you’re willing to go further:

• temporarily change username / display name style
  It’s not dramatic—it's reducing her ability to find you quickly.

Layer 2: Make your partner your teammate, not a passive bystander

This part matters more than anything. If he leaves even a tiny crack—likes, replies, checking her—she reads that as permission.

Use a direct but calm script:
“I need us to handle your ex as a team. Her behavior has been persistent for over a year and it’s affecting me.

I need you to:

1. block her everywhere and keep her blocked
   
   
2. do not like/respond/check her content
   
   
3. if she contacts you again, tell me immediately
   Because I need safety and clarity in our relationship.”

If he minimizes it (“you’re overthinking”), that’s a relationship problem, not just an ex problem. A partner should protect the boundary.

Layer 3: Evidence + platform pressure (without going nuclear)

• screenshot everything (follow requests, new accounts, messages) with timestamps

• keep a simple timeline log

• report every new account for harassment/spam/ban evasion

• do not engage in conversation—report + block only

If escalation happens (threats, doxxing, sexual harassment, showing up physically):

• that’s when legal steps become more relevant
  But for now, build the evidence base so you’re not starting from zero if it gets worse.

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About “revenge”: the smart way to make her feel it

If you want her to “feel something,” the best way is not to ruin her relationship. That gives her drama and turns you into the villain.

The best “revenge” is:

• no access

• no reaction

• platform reports

• a united front with your partner
• and one clean “door-closing” boundary message—from your partner, once, then permanent block.

One-time boundary message your partner can send (then block):

“Please stop contacting or monitoring me and my girlfriend on any platform. Creating new accounts and using others to view her is intrusive and unwelcome. If it continues, we will keep records and report every account.”

One message. No arguing. No debate. Block.

That’s how you win. Quietly. Legally. Effectively.

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Final answer: What does she want?

She wants power and access—the feeling that she still has influence around your partner’s life.
And she’s using you as a target because you’re the symbol of “she moved on and I’m not in control.”

You don’t beat that by becoming chaotic.
You beat that by making yourself unreachable and making your relationship a closed system.

If you do this right, she doesn’t get a storyline anymore—she gets silence and locked doors. And people like that hate locked doors more than they fear confrontation.

💓

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