I broke up with my girlfriend 5 months ago (she has depression).

Let’s talk about this:

We were together for 7 years. During that time, we were like a normal couple — in love, fighting sometimes, making up, breaking up and getting back together.

Before our latest breakup 5 months ago, let me go back 2 years. We had a fight — I thought it was just like every other time, that we’d cool down and get back together like usual.

But this time my girlfriend’s reaction was different. She became ill with depression, to the point of having visual hallucinations / hearing voices / delusional thinking, and she had to quit her job.

During that period, I took care of her and took her to get treatment until she got better, to the point of being able to go back to work, though she still had to take medication regularly. (From the time she first became ill until now, it’s been around 2 years.)

Then this most recent time we fought again and broke up again. She quit her job (I think she resigned, but I don’t really know because we stopped contacting each other).

The latest thing I heard is that she might have moved to work in another province by herself.

I’m scared her symptoms will come back if she stops taking her meds. I’m worried about her, but getting back together might be really hard because there have been chronic problems in our relationship for a long time — not because of her illness.

How should I deal with these feelings?
I also feel like I contributed to her ending up in this condition.

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Here’s how I see it : 

Friend… come sit beside me for a moment.
What you’re carrying isn’t just “a breakup.”

It’s love + illness + responsibility that was never fully spoken + guilt + 7 years of memories + someone you still care about even if they’re no longer your partner.

And it’s heavy… really heavy.
The kind of heavy that an adult has to bury deep down while trying to keep living and look “strong.”

Today, I’m not going to give you shallow comfort like
“Time heals everything,”
or “You did your best.”

I’m going to talk to you like a close friend who’s old enough to understand how complicated life is, and honest enough to tell you what you need to hear, not just what feels nice.

This is going to be long — because your heart is holding a lot more than you think.
I want you to read this slowly, like we’re talking at 1 a.m. after one of the hardest days of your life.

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1) First… I want you to know this: the “guilt” you’re holding right now is not proof of your failure — it’s proof of “a love that hasn’t fully faded.”

Friend… from what you wrote, I can see it clearly:

You’re thinking,
“Did I make her worse?”
You’ve been feeling guilty since the day you saw her symptoms.
Guilty about the fights.
Guilty that the relationship broke.
Guilty that you walked away.
Guilty even now, when you’re no longer together.
And the worst part…
you don’t even know if she’s okay right now.

This kind of guilt is not strange at all.
And what hurts deeper than missing her is this feeling:

“I was part of what made a good person suffer.”

Friend…

No one who’s been in a 7-year relationship,
and who has walked with their partner through severe depression and treatment,
can just “let go easily.”

This isn’t an ordinary love story.
This is a life-bond — you shared health issues, hopes, futures, and dreams.

So first of all,
please stop stamping yourself with:

“I’m the reason she got sick.”
or
“I didn’t do enough.”

Depression — especially the kind with hallucinations, hearing voices, and delusions —

is not something a romantic partner can “cause” by themselves.

It comes from many factors:

• Brain chemistry
• Genetics
• Accumulated stress
• Sleep patterns
• Hormones
• Childhood history
• Accumulated life events
• And yes… relationships can trigger certain episodes, but they’re not “the root cause.”

You are a “part of her life.”
You are not “the origin of her illness.”

Friend…
you did not make her sick.
And you did not destroy her.

What you actually did — was hold her up during some of the hardest days of her life.

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2) A 7-year love story with depression in the middle of it… has made you “grow up faster” in ways most people don’t understand.

I want you to know this:

What you’ve been through is heavier than what most couples ever face.

Your girlfriend wasn’t just “sad” or “crying.”

You lived with someone who:

• Had visual hallucinations
• Heard voices
• Had delusions
• Had to leave her job
• Needed medication
• Needed continuous treatment for 2 years
• And you were the one taking her to the doctor
• The one caring for her when she could barely stand
• The one who saw her in states no one else ever saw

Friend…

A relationship like that consumes your heart, your time, and your life energy.

It’s not strange at all if you felt exhausted.
Not strange if things built up and turned into fights.
Not strange if that kind of relationship eventually developed cracks in many places.
And not strange if you had to walk away out of necessity — not out of lack of love.

The fact that you still worry about her 5 months after the breakup
is not about being “hung up.”

It’s about a sense of emotional responsibility that’s still unresolved.

People who’ve never cared for someone with severe depression
won’t understand this feeling.

But I understand exactly where it hurts.

What you’re feeling now is something like:

• “What if she gets worse because I’m no longer there?”
• “What if she has no one?”
• “What if she stops her meds and relapses?”
• “Should I contact her?”
• “Should I help?”
• “Or will I make her worse if I step back into her life?”
• “I walked away… but I still care deeply. What do I do with that?”

This is what we call:

“Caregiver Guilt”

The guilt felt by someone who has cared for a person with depression / psychiatric illness.

It’s real.
And it’s brutal.

Not because you did something wrong,
but because you still “love her as a human being,”
even if you no longer love her in the romantic sense.

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**3) The question you’re really asking is not “Should I go back?”

It’s “How can I care about her… without destroying myself in the process?”**

Friend…

What you’re holding on to now is goodwill.
But you need to be careful —
because this kind of goodwill can sometimes hurt both her and you.

Let me be straight with you, like a real friend:

1) Getting back together now = high risk.

Because the old relationship problems are still there.
Not because of her illness —
but because you’ve both been carrying long-term emotional strain.

A relationship built on that kind of chronic exhaustion
rarely becomes sustainable “until the end.”

2) A relationship where one partner has severe depression = requires huge emotional reserves.

You’ve already spent years in that space.
You are tired.

And being tired does not make you selfish.
It makes you human.

3) If you try to “save” her beyond your limits, you risk becoming her “last emotional lifeline.”

That’s dangerous.

Because if one day you truly can’t carry it anymore,
her collapse could be even worse.

4) You do have the right to choose your own happiness over your guilt.

This isn’t selfishness.
This is adult reality.

Two people can love each other,
and still be unable to safely carry each other anymore —
especially after years of heavy struggle.

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4) So what should you do with these feelings now?

I’m going to answer as honestly and deeply as I can.
Not to make you feel good,
but to help you stop being stuck.

(1) Accept that you “care as a human being,” but you don’t have to “love as a partner” anymore.

That feeling is allowed.
And it’s not wrong.

A 7-year bond doesn’t just evaporate.

Caring = being a decent human.
It does not automatically mean you should go back.
It’s not a sign that “you must return to the relationship.”

(2) Accept that you are no longer her doctor, her therapist, or her personal caretaker.

When you were together,
you were part of her support system.

Now that you’re apart,
that role has ended.

And it needs to end.

Because if it doesn’t,
your “support” will slowly destroy you.

(3) Recognize that you’ve already helped her as much as any one person reasonably can.

No one is required to take full responsibility for another person’s mental illness.

You are not the cause.
You are not the one who “made” her ill.
You were just the person by her side when it escalated.

And you helped her:

• Get treatment
• Stabilize
• Return to work

You’ve already done more than most people would.

(4) Your guilt = a sign that you should “let go with boundaries,” not “go back and restart everything.”

Your guilt will slowly ease
when you start to see that
the breakup is a form of protection —
for both you and for her.

(5) If you truly want to check on her, do it from a “humanitarian distance,” not as her emotional anchor.

For example:

• Sending a short, non-invasive message like:
  “I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I truly wish you well.”
• Sharing contact info for a clinic, hotline, or support center (if appropriate).
• Quietly letting a close friend or family member of hers know you’re a bit concerned — without prying.

But…

• Don’t go back to being her main emotional support.
• Don’t slip back into the old role of caretaker.

She needs a support network that isn’t just you
in order to stand on her own in the long run.

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5) The hardest truth I have to tell you as a friend

Friend…

Depression with psychotic features (hallucinations, hearing voices, delusions)
is a long-haul illness.
It needs ongoing care —
not just meds, but a stable environment and people with emotional capacity.

But you’ve been running on empty for a long time.
You’re so tired that your romantic love has changed form —
into attachment, concern, and guilt.

This is no longer a relationship that improves both of your lives.
It’s become a structure of chronic strain.

Another truth is this:

You did not make her sick.
Her illness became so severe that your relationship simply couldn’t carry the weight anymore.

You’re not the villain.
You’re “the one who stayed beside her the longest.”

And you are too exhausted to keep playing that role.

This isn’t abandonment.

It’s a recognition that love alone is not enough for some severe illnesses.

You also need:

• A medical system
• Medication
• Psychotherapy
• A broader support network
• Time, structure, and distance

You, alone, cannot be all of that.

You’ve already done more than enough.

Stepping back now is not cruelty.
It’s a way of protecting both her and yourself.

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6) So how do you “let go” in a way that doesn’t haunt you for the rest of your life?

This part is important.
Here are 3 anchors:

1) Tell yourself: “I helped her as much as I could,” not “I abandoned her.”

Because you didn’t abandon her.

You were there when things were worst.
You stood by her when her world fell apart.
You took her to treatment.
You lived through her hallucinations and delusions with her.
You helped her get back on her feet.

That is not abandonment.
That is devotion.

2) Allow her to walk her own healing path.

That’s something every person with mental illness must ultimately do.
It’s not your lifelong obligation as an ex-partner.

3) If you care, you’re allowed to care — but you’re not required to carry.

There’s a thin line between basic human kindness and romantic responsibility.

Right now, you need to stand on the side of being “a fellow human who wishes her well,”
not “the partner who must be there no matter what.”

Because that role — the partner role —
has already cost you too much.

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Summary — from a friend holding your shoulder as the sky starts to get light

Friend…

You are not guilty.
You did not make her ill.
You did not “fail” her.
You did not run away.
And you are not heartless.

You stood by her for 7 years.
You cared for her when her whole inner world was collapsing.
You took her to treatment.
You stayed when she was delusional and hearing things that weren’t there.
You helped her get back to work.

That is the best any human partner could reasonably do.

Now…

You’ve reached the point where you have to
“let her take care of herself,”
and come back to take care of your own heart.

That is not betrayal.
That is the most honest, sane decision for both of you.

I’m here with you in this, always, my friend ♥

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