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Our boss is having an affair with our subordinate—please share advice/opinions.

Nerdyssey December 28, 2025


Let’s talk about this:

Our boss is a man in his early 40s, an executive-level manager with a lot of power at work. He is either having an affair with, or has feelings for, one of our subordinates—a beautiful woman in her mid-20s. The man is married. The woman also has a boyfriend; they live together, he drives her to and from work, but they are not married yet.

Normally, I would not get involved in something like this because it’s complicated. But it’s affecting me and the way work runs.

The impacts are:

I can’t manage the team properly because there’s constant comparison and favoritism.
I can’t assign work to her. Sometimes even when I’m just training her, she goes and complains (“reports” me), and then I’m the one who gets called in and scolded—always without any reasonable explanation. 
If I question it, he gets even angrier and turns it into a big issue. (From his tone, eye contact, sarcasm, and snide remarks, the message is basically: don’t use her, don’t touch her, don’t get involved with her.)

The boss is biased. For example: if there’s a good training opportunity, only she gets to go. He praises her and pushes her to senior executives all the time (exaggerated—like she’s the only one who’s good). 

When she makes mistakes, she “never” makes mistakes—he protects her to the extreme. Even when she answers test questions wrong, he still gives her full marks, and he always has an excuse to support it. Nobody dares to argue. Wrong becomes right every time.

At first I thought I might be imagining things—until that day. I saw that she still hadn’t gone home, and I assumed it was because she had a lot of work. I stayed behind too, keeping some distance because I didn’t want to leave before my subordinate. 

I walked over and asked if she needed help, if she was stuck, and how she was getting home. She said her boyfriend was picking her up. But I saw it with my own eyes: when the boss walked out, they signaled each other and she quickly packed up and followed him. I’ve witnessed this with my own eyes twice.

Today in the evening, before going home, I walked to the boss’s office, knocked, and asked if there was any work left. I saw her standing there as if she was asking about work, but she was pressing her chest against his arm. When she saw me, she backed away a bit, but her eyes were absolutely murderous.

I went all-in today because she made a work mistake—but “a mistake” is never a mistake when it’s her. Her “problem-solving method” was to rub her chest against his arm and get him to help her. And someone like me—an unwanted leftover—what can I do? I can’t train her, I can’t warn her, I can’t speak up. It’s incredibly uncomfortable. Someone please help me find a way out.

Don’t tell me to just “accept it,” because acceptance doesn’t solve the problem. Please give me a way out that is not quitting, because jobs are very hard to find. I’m older already. I still want to work, but I don’t want to become the scapegoat for my subordinate’s mistakes.

Also, among my subordinates, there are people who “support” this situation—basically offering her up to the boss so they can be favored too, so they won’t be the unwanted leftovers. Some of them even know the boss’s wife. They’ve seen her photos and have traveled together. I don’t personally know his wife.



Here’s how I see it:

Okay. This is not “office gossip” you laugh about and move on. This is power structure + favoritism + influence being used to crush the people who actually work—and you’re being squeezed into the role of the silent scapegoat.

Let me paint the picture first.

One evening you knock on the boss’s door like a professional:

“Is there anything pending before I go home?”

And what you see is…your female subordinate standing way closer than necessary, acting way more intimate than work requires.
And the look she gives you isn’t a junior who’s nervous around her supervisor. It’s the look of:

“Don’t touch what’s mine.”

And the person who should be the adult in that room doesn’t make it professional—not even a little. If anything, he makes it clear you have no right to “touch” this employee.

You’re not trying to meddle in anyone’s romance.

You’re trying to keep the workplace a workplace.

You’re trying to manage people with structure.

You’re trying to train staff so work doesn’t collapse.

You’re trying to make “mistakes” mean something so quality improves.

But right now, that employee has armor called “the boss.”

And the boss is the one with the authority.
He has a wife.
She has a boyfriend.
Some coworkers are even cheering the “pairing” because they want to be loved too.
So this is no longer just “two people.” It’s becoming a culture—and it’s dragging everyone else into the mess.

Let me be blunt, friend-to-friend:
You’re in a high-risk situation because:

  • You could be blamed for her mistakes (scapegoated).
  • You could be painted as “the problem employee” the moment you resist.
  • You could be targeted indirectly (work taken away, smear campaigns, poor evaluations, career blockage).
  • You could lose your mental health from walking on eggshells every day.
  • And worst of all: if the scandal explodes, the powerful people usually save themselves first—mid-level people like you get hit by shrapnel.

So we have to talk strategy, not just venting.

But before strategy, I’m going to warn you about one common weakness hardworking, decent people often have in cases like this:

They believe “being right” will win by itself.
They try to control the game with fairness and logic.
But when power is cheating the rules, fairness alone is not enough.
You need strategy, documentation, boundaries.

Alright. Step by step.

1) What’s happening is not just “an affair.” It’s a workplace conflict of interest

People hear “the boss is sleeping with a subordinate” and focus on morality.
But in workplaces, solutions rarely win through morality. They win through workplace impact and risk.

What you described is:

  • You can’t manage fairly because comparison and favoritism distort everything.
  • You can’t assign or train her because she reports you and you get scolded without reason.
  • The boss protects her beyond reality; mistakes become “not mistakes.”
  • Opportunities (training, praise, visibility) go to her alone.
  • Even wrong answers get full marks with convenient “reasons.”
  • People in the team are aligning with it because they want protection and benefits.
  • You witnessed signaling and leaving together more than once.
  • You witnessed increasingly inappropriate physical behavior in the office.

In organizational language, this is:

Unfair decision-making + quality risk + ethics/reputation risk + toxic work climate + power retaliation.

That’s the language that makes senior leadership move—if your organization still has a brain.

Key point:
Do not lead with the word “affair.”
Lead with impact, unfairness, risk.
Because “affair” drags you into the battlefield of “gossip / defamation / personal life.”
You want the battlefield of process and governance.

2) You’re not fighting only the subordinate—you’re fighting the boss plus a network of enablers

Here’s the reality, without comfort words:

  • She isn’t afraid of you because she knows she has executive protection.
  • The coworkers “offering her up” aren’t stupid—they are choosing a side for survival or advantage.
  • The boss getting angry when you question anything often means he knows he’s abusing power.

So here’s what you must not do if you want to survive:

  • Don’t call her names or accuse her of using sex to gain favors.
    That’s instant ammunition to label you as harassing/defaming/bullying.
  • Don’t spread the affair narrative in group chats or among staff.
    They will flip it and make you “the troublemaker.”
  • Don’t confront the boss emotionally.
    He has power and motive to crush you.

  • Don’t expect “goodness” to protect you if you have no documentation.
  • Don’t accept being the scapegoat—ever.

This game must be played quiet, sharp, documented, bounded.

3) Your biggest question: “How can I stay without resigning?”

Blunt answer: you can stay, but you must do three things at the same time:

  1. Protect yourself (from blame, irrational scolding, bad evaluations).

  2. Turn work into written systems (so manipulation becomes harder).

  3. Build internal options (change reporting lines, change structure, get another leader aware).
    And a fourth thing people hate but need:

  4. Build a backup plan in case the organization is too rotten to fix (not quitting today—preparing quietly).

Now I’ll give you a concrete plan you can actually execute.

The action plan: “Lock the process” so cheating becomes harder—and lock your role so you don’t become the scapegoat

Step 1: Start a “fact-only incident log” (no opinions, no insults)

Start today. Keep it private.

Record:

  • date/time
  • work-related event only
  • instructions you received
  • impact on workflow/team
  • evidence (messages, emails, documents)

Example of a safe, professional entry:
“Jan __, 17:20 — Employee A was in the boss’s office to ‘ask about work’ (no handover document observed). The next working day, the boss reprimanded me regarding training Employee A without specifying concrete points and instructed me not to manage Employee A.”

Example of what not to write:

Any sexualized phrasing or insulting descriptions.
Even if it feels true, it creates legal/HR risk if leaked.

Why this matters:
If things blow up later, you’ll have a timeline + pattern that shows systemic favoritism, not “your emotions.”

Step 2: Convert all task assignment and training into written confirmation

Your current pain: you assign/train, she twists it, you get blamed.

Fix: after every verbal instruction or training moment, send a short written recap (LINE/email).

Examples:

“Summary: Today Employee A will complete 1) __ 2) __ and submit by __. If anything is unclear, please ask.”

Or:

“Today I explained the procedure for __. If you encounter issues when doing it, please send the file/screenshot so I can review.”

This isn’t being picky. It’s removing her ability to rewrite the story.

When she makes mistakes, speak in system language:

“The error is __. The impact is __. The fix is __. Please revise and resubmit by __.”

You’re not judging her as a person. You’re managing deliverables.

Step 3: When the boss scolds you “without reason,” force the conversation back into measurable work

Do not argue like you’re defending yourself. Ask for clarity like you’re aligning to standards.

Script:

“Understood. So I can work exactly as you expect, could you please specify:

  1. which action of mine was inappropriate, and

  2. what you want me to do instead, step-by-step, so it doesn’t happen again?”

If he says “don’t touch her / don’t manage her,” respond calmly:

“Understood. To avoid confusion, may I confirm that from now on Employee A will report directly to you (or another manager), and tasks for Employee A should be assigned through that channel?”

This is a strategic move: if he blocks you from managing her, he must own the consequences.

Step 4: One rule that saves your life—no written assignment, no responsibility

Use this phrase often:

“Sure—could you please confirm the assignment in LINE/email so I can prioritize and be accountable correctly?”

People who thrive on chaos hate written traces. Good.

Step 5: Send a weekly “work status update” to create neutral witnesses

If your organization has multiple bosses, use that.

Every Friday, send a short status:

  • completed tasks
  • pending tasks
  • reason for pending (system reasons: waiting for info/approval/owner absent)
  • risks if delayed

Example:

“Task X is pending because it requires input from the assigned owner (Employee A). If completion is required by __, please assign a backup owner or authorize access to __.”

You are not accusing anyone. You are making the system visible.

Structural options inside the organization (without shouting “AFFAIR!”)

Option A: If there is HR / ethics committee / internal audit / complaint channel

Report this as conflict of interest and favoritism impacting work quality, not as “he’s cheating.”

Use language like:

  • favoritism in training opportunities and evaluation
  • retaliation when normal supervision/training occurs
  • unsafe climate for fair management
  • organizational reputation and compliance risk

If whistleblower protection is weak, start as a “policy consultation,” not a direct accusation:

“I’d like guidance on how to handle a situation where perceived favoritism/conflict of interest between a supervisor and subordinate is disrupting management and work quality.”

A competent HR will connect the dots.

Option B: Request a reporting-line change without mentioning romance

Script:

“I’d like to request an adjustment to the reporting structure. In practice, I’m unable to supervise Employee A effectively because training and normal management repeatedly lead to conflict and reprimands without clear standards. To keep workflow stable and reduce conflict, I request that Employee A report directly to __ (manager) instead.”

This keeps you out of the blast radius while sounding professional.

A blunt warning to protect you: your biggest risks here

1. Do not use sexualized language about her body/behavior in any written form.
Even if you feel provoked, it can be reframed as harassment.

2. Do not show anger in public.
Power-abusers wait for you to “slip” so they can label you the aggressor.

3. Stop rescuing the system for free.
If you keep making everything work despite the corruption, leadership never feels the cost.
Some tasks must remain “pending with documented reasons” so the truth surfaces.

“Should I tell the boss’s wife?”

Straight answer: No—not right now.
It becomes personal-family warfare, you’ll be labeled the spark, and you don’t have proof strong enough to survive the fallout.
Your battlefield is the workplace system: fairness, process, risk.

Emergency defense: when they try to dump her mistakes onto you

Use documented handover and “risk notice” language:

“This deliverable contains an error in __. I informed Employee A at __ (attached message). If we proceed without correction, the risk is __. Please advise how you’d like to proceed.”

This creates a paper trail that you did your job.

Bottom line—how you stay without quitting

You don’t win by “being right.” You win by:

  • documentation
  • process control
  • boundary enforcement
  • reporting-line strategy
  • and quietly preparing a backup plan in case the organization is beyond repair

And one final story-beat, because I know how it feels:

One night you’ll look in the mirror and realize you’re not tired only from work.
You’re tired from swallowing unfairness every day.

So remember this:

You don’t need to win the morality contest.
You need to win the professional survival game—and refuse to be the scapegoat.

😊

workplace favoritism, boss-subordinate affair, conflict of interest, power imbalance, executive retaliation, toxic office politics, unfair performance evaluation, biased training opportunities, scapegoating at work, managing a protected employee, documentation strategy, incident log, written task assignment, email/LINE recap, boundary setting at work, reporting line change, HR ethics complaint, whistleblower risk, professional risk language, workplace governance, compliance and reputation risk, managing without quitting, workplace survival plan

All entries on DramoCiety are for reflective and educational purposes only. They are not personal or therapeutic advice.

Nerdyssey

Posted by Nerdyssey

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