My partner was sexually assaulted by a senior coworker until he climaxed — how should I handle this?

Let’s talk about this:

I’ll get straight to the point. My girlfriend works part-time and gets off work at midnight. That night, a senior coworker who is a woman invited my girlfriend to go out drinking/socializing, and my girlfriend went and stayed out until around 5 a.m. When she was about to go back to her dorm, she didn’t have a ride. So the senior coworker suggested they give her a lift, and they planned to go eat afterward too.

When they drove her back, another person—a male senior coworker of my girlfriend—was the one driving. He planned to drop my girlfriend off first and then go meet everyone at the restaurant they had agreed on. But when they arrived at her dorm, he asked to come up to use the bathroom, and then he stayed in her room and hung out.

My girlfriend was extremely sleepy, so she excused herself to take a shower. After she finished showering, she went up to lie down and rest. A little while later, that man got onto the bed and sexually molested her. My girlfriend said she resisted, but because she was very drunk, she couldn’t overpower him. In the end, he ejaculated with my girlfriend.

My questions are:
What should I do?
Should I forgive her?

And how should I deal with this male senior coworker?

---

Here’s how I see it:

I’m going to start bluntly.

This is not a small matter.
And the questions you’re asking—
“Should I forgive her?”
“How should I deal with that male senior?”
—these are not the questions of “a jealous guy who’s scared of getting betrayed.”

These are the questions of a man who has just heard that his girlfriend was sexually assaulted + forced into sex in her own room while she was drunk and too weak to fight back.

Before we go any further, I need to say this clearly, with no sugar-coating:

What happened to your girlfriend = sexual assault / rape by exploiting intoxication.
Not “your girlfriend slipped up and had something with a senior.”

If she was drunk, couldn’t physically resist, he climbed onto the bed, groped her, and got himself off using her body even though she didn’t want it—
that is 100% his fault.

I’m not saying that to comfort you. I’m saying it because based on what you described—
your girlfriend was not the one cheating.
She was the one being harmed.

And right now… you’re standing in the middle of:

• Rage

• Grief

• Feeling disgusted on her behalf

• Fear that the relationship will never feel the same

• Confusion about “How do I even look at my girlfriend after this?”

Okay. Let’s turn this into a clear picture first,
then I’ll answer your questions one by one—
in a long, direct, middle-of-the-night conversation kind of way.

---

🎬 Scene One: The night that should’ve been just normal hanging out

That day, your girlfriend got off work at midnight.
She’s working part-time—she was already tired.
A female senior coworker invited her to drink and socialize afterward.
That’s something a lot of working adults do—unwind after work.

You probably didn’t think too much when she said,
“I’m going to drink with friends/seniors.”
Maybe you were worried about:

• How drunk she’d get

• How she’d get home

• Whether she’d be safe

But you were still okay with it because she wasn’t alone—there were multiple people, and there was a female senior coworker too.

They drank, and drank…
and it dragged on until around 5 a.m.

This is the point where the human body is often drunk + exhausted + mentally foggy,
especially if someone is small-bodied or doesn’t drink often.

When she was about to go back to her dorm, she didn’t have a ride.
So the seniors “offered” to drive her.

The original plan was:
“Drop her off first, then go eat.”

If he had done only that,
this would’ve ended as a simple story of “a senior being helpful.”

But he didn’t stop there.

---

🎬 Scene Two: The room that should’ve been safest became the place that felt the dirtiest

They arrived at the dorm.
The male senior asked to go up to use the bathroom—
on the surface, it sounds normal.

But after using the bathroom, he didn’t leave.
He stayed in her room and “hung out.”

That is the first signal of weird intent,
because if you’re truly going to meet everyone for food,
most decent people will leave quickly—
they don’t linger and camp out in someone’s room.

Your girlfriend was extremely sleepy.
Very drunk.
Out of energy.
So she excused herself to shower and then went to bed to rest.

Now pause the mental picture right here:

• A woman who is drunk + exhausted, coming home at 5 a.m.

• In her own room—where she should be safe

• With a man she does not want romantically sitting there

• She lies down because she’s too tired to stay awake

Then he climbs onto the bed.

That’s not “unclear.”
That’s not “accidental.”
That’s a man with no boundaries between “friend” and “victim.”

He sexually assaulted her—touching, groping—
using the opportunity that she was drunk and physically unable to fight him off.

Even if she resisted, but couldn’t overpower him,
and he still continued until he got himself off,
I’m going to say this again in the clearest terms possible:

This = rape by exploiting her intoxicated, vulnerable state.
Not “sex that happened with mutual consent.”
Not “she got tempted.”

We do not need a perfect Hollywood scene where she screams “NO” at maximum volume,
or fights like an action hero,
for it to be rape.

If she did not want it,
and he used the fact that she was weak / drunk / not able to consent or resist effectively,
that is already wrongdoing.

---

🎬 Scene Three: You, as her boyfriend—hearing this and shattering

When she told you, your heart probably felt like it was crushed—twice.

First crush:
The moment you heard another man got onto the bed and assaulted your girlfriend.
Your brain starts producing images automatically. You can’t stop it.

Second crush:
The moment you heard she resisted, but couldn’t fight him off,
and he still finished.

Then your mind floods you with questions:

• “Does this count as cheating?”

• “Or is she a victim?”

• “If she was drunk and couldn’t fight him off… how am I supposed to see this?”

• “Should I be angry at her, or only at him?”

• “What do we do with our relationship now?”

• “If I forgive her, does that mean I’m accepting what happened?”

• “Should I take legal action?”

• “If I do, will it affect her job and her life?”

These are not easy questions.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

But I’m going to separate the pieces for you,
so you can see clearly and decide in a way that:

• Respects yourself

• Respects her

• Doesn’t injure you both even more

---

🧩 First, separate this: “What happened to her” vs “What you feel”

What happened to your girlfriend:

• She was a woman who was drunk, exhausted, and in her own room

• A man used his “senior” status + the situation of her being drunk/sleepy

• He assaulted her

• She resisted / tried to stop it

• But she was too intoxicated to overpower him

• He still forced it until he ejaculated

• She felt violated and unsafe and told you about it

In terms of the event itself:
She = the victim.
He = the offender.

What is happening inside your heart:

• It feels like that man “stole space on the bed that should’ve been yours”

• Jealousy, pain, rage, confusion, disgust

• Feeling like she’s “not the same” (even though it’s unfair to her, it’s a real emotional reaction many men have)

• Fear that the images will haunt you

• Guilt that you weren’t there

• Feeling like you failed to protect her

These feelings are brutally real.
And you’re allowed to feel them.
It doesn’t make you evil.
It makes you someone who loves deeply, so you hurt deeply.

---

❓ Question 1: “Should I forgive her?”

Here’s the short answer first:

If everything is as you described—your girlfriend did not do something wrong that requires “forgiveness” as if she betrayed you.

She didn’t choose to cheat.
She didn’t invite him up for sex.
She didn’t give consent.
She resisted.
She told you the truth.

This isn’t “cheating.”
This is harm.

So the phrase “Should I forgive her?” may need to become:

• “Can I handle the trauma she went through?”

• “Am I ready to stand beside a woman who survived something like this?”

You do not have to break up just to “protect your pride,”
because your pride doesn’t come from your girlfriend’s “purity.”

It comes from how you stand with the truth,
and how you stand with someone who was harmed.

What you’re really “forgiving” (if anything) is not her action—
it’s the part of you that wants jealousy and pain to override reality.

But—let’s be adult about this too:

Even when you understand logically,
your mind may still replay images.
That’s normal.

You have the right to ask yourself:

“Do I have the capacity to stay in this relationship—
as someone who understands she’s a victim, not a traitor?”

If “yes” → this relationship can actually become deeper and stronger than before.
If “no” → stepping away respectfully is not wrong either.

What is not fair is treating her like “a bad woman”
in a story where she was assaulted.

---

❓ Question 2: “How should I deal with that male senior coworker?”

Here I have to be careful but still direct.

A man’s rage when his girlfriend is assaulted can immediately push him toward violence.
You might want to:

• Punch him

• Confront him publicly

• Humiliate him

• Expose him to everyone as “the guy who raped my girlfriend”

That raw instinct is understandable 100%.

But before you act, you have to consider:

1) Your girlfriend’s safety

If you storm in and explode, she may get dragged into the center of it.

• Her work life might collapse

• People might blame her (victim-blaming)

• Some idiots may claim “she participated” (even if it’s false)

• She may feel guilty for “causing trouble,” even though she’s the victim

2) Your own legal risk

If you use violence:

• You could become the one committing a crime

• You go from “supporting her” to “facing charges”

• And that helps the offender more than it helps her

3) Evidence & legal accountability (if you choose to pursue a case)

If you and she want to take formal action:

• She should seek a medical exam (even if time has passed, documentation can still matter)

• Write down everything she remembers while it’s fresh

• Check CCTV if possible (building entry, hallway, elevator, etc.)

• Save any messages/chats that show his intent or any admission

• Consult a lawyer or a sexual assault support service

But most importantly:
You must follow what your girlfriend wants, not force her.

If she wants to report → you support her fully.
If she’s not ready → you’re allowed to be angry, but you can’t drag her into court if she’s not able to handle it.

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✅ A way to “deal with him” without destroying yourselves

1) Set hard boundaries immediately

At minimum, you have every right to:

• Cut contact with him

• Refuse any friendliness or fake politeness

• Make sure he has zero access to your girlfriend going forward

If she must see him at work:

• Increase physical distance

• Avoid being alone with him

• Change shifts / change station / reduce overlap if possible

2) Tell your girlfriend clearly:

“I do not want him in our lives anymore as much as possible.
He harmed you, and I do not respect him as a person.”

This is you choosing her.
Not choosing “fake peace.”

3) If your girlfriend starts “protecting him,” you need a serious talk

Sometimes victims feel confusion, guilt, self-blame, and minimize what happened.

If she says things like:

• “He didn’t mean it.”

• “It was both of our fault.”

• “Don’t be too hard on him.”

Then you need to calmly but firmly say:

“For me, he is the person who harmed you.
I can’t accept him staying in your orbit like he’s just a normal friend.
Because that means you’re allowing someone who did this to remain close to you.”

If she cuts him off → she’s choosing herself and choosing you.
If she refuses to cut him off → you have to ask yourself honestly:

Do you want to stay in a relationship where the person who harmed your girlfriend can still casually exist inside her life?

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🧠 And what about your heart? How do you live with yourself after hearing this?

No matter how this ends, you have to take care of your own mental state too, because:

You are the person who had to absorb a horrifying story about the person you love most.

This can hit your mental health directly.

Things that can help:

1) Separate “reality” from “the movie in your head”

Reality: she was harmed.
The movie: the bed scene your brain keeps generating, filling in missing details.

When the movie hits, remind yourself:

“This is my brain creating images from incomplete information.
Reality is: she didn’t choose this. He harmed her.”

2) Allow yourself to feel anger and pain

You don’t have to perform toughness.
You don’t have to pretend you’re fine.

Real strength is not suppressing emotions—
it’s admitting them without letting them control your actions.

3) If it starts affecting your life seriously

If you’re dealing with:

• Insomnia

• Constant intrusive thoughts

• Inability to focus

• Irritability with your girlfriend

• Emotional shutdown

It’s reasonable to talk to someone trustworthy or a therapist.
Not because you’re weak—
but because this is genuinely heavy.

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🧡 Bottom line, straight like a friend

• Based on what you wrote, your girlfriend is not “the one at fault.” She is the victim.

• “Forgiveness” here is not forgiving cheating—it’s deciding whether you can accept reality and stand beside someone who was harmed.

• You have the right to stay and support her, or to step away respectfully if you truly can’t handle it—neither automatically makes you a bad person.

• That male senior coworker is the offender.

• But don’t let your rage push you into violence that turns you into the one in trouble.

• The next steps should be guided by what your girlfriend wants: report, seek documentation, cut him off, change work conditions, etc.

• You don’t have to decide everything today—but you do need to be honest with yourself, and honest about who is actually in the wrong here.

💙

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sexual assault, rape by intoxication, lack of consent, coerced sex, workplace drinking culture, after-work socializing, victim support, trauma response, intrusive thoughts, relationship after assault, boundaries after assault, confronting the perpetrator, legal options, medical documentation, evidence preservation, victim-blaming, safety planning, workplace safety, emotional distress, partner support