I’m asking for ways to make up with my boyfriend who is an introvert.

 

Let’s talk about this:

My boyfriend is an introvert. We’ve been together for 10 months. In the past, when there were problems, he wouldn’t clear things up—he wouldn’t talk, he would go silent. I would get upset, feel down, and feel hurt, and I would end up getting over it on my own every time because he isn’t good at making up. (He also said that when there’s a problem, his brain gets foggy and he can’t think fast enough.) 

Most recently, I felt hurt again because he didn’t try to make up or clear the issue. 

This has happened repeatedly, so I accidentally said we should break up. Before that, I had also said we should break up before, but this time he really will leave. 

He said he’s tired and his feelings are hurt. He said it’s not the same anymore. No matter how many times, there’s always a problem. I tried to make up with him many times, but he won’t come back. He said he wants to be alone. But he asked to lower our status to friends and said that in the future, if there’s an opportunity, we can meet again. 

I’m secretly hurt by him, but another part of me is sad that I didn’t understand him that well, so I want to try to make up one more time. We have an appointment to meet. When we meet, how should I behave? And how should I make up with him? 🫠🤍

Here’s how I see it:

Let me speak bluntly first…

From what you’ve told me, the situation is no longer in the mode of “how to make up so he comes back and dates like before.”
It’s in the mode of this:

“An introverted man who is exhausted, confused, and has started closing his heart’s door,

and a woman who just realized she didn’t truly understand him throughout the past 10 months.”

If I were sitting next to you as a friend right now,
I wouldn’t say sweet things like “Just apologize nicely and he’ll come back,” because there’s no guarantee at all.

But I will help you plan clearly:

• When you go to meet him, how you should carry yourself

• What you should say / what you should not say

• And most importantly… what flaws in yourself you have to fully admit from this relationship

Because whether he comes back or not,

what you can definitely gain from this is “your own growth.”

Nobody can take that away from you.

Let’s unpack it piece by piece.

1) First… see the situation accurately and don’t lie to yourself

Let’s line up your facts calmly:

• You’ve been together 10 months

• Your boyfriend is an introvert

• When there’s a “problem” →
• he doesn’t talk, doesn’t clear it up, goes quiet
• you get upset, feel down, overthink
• in the end you “get over it yourself” because he isn’t good at making up

• He said:
• “When there’s a problem my brain gets foggy; I can’t think fast enough.”

• The same problem repeats

• You used “accidentally saying break up” (and it wasn’t the first time)

• But this time he said:
• “I’m tired. My feelings are hurt.”
• “It’s not the same anymore.”
• “Every time, there’s a problem.”
• “I want to be alone.”
• “Let’s lower it to friends.”
• “In the future, if there’s an opportunity, we can meet again.”

Translating that into grown-up language with no extra decoration:

He’s hurt, he’s drained, he’s out of energy to loop the same cycle again.
And he’s starting to “close the backup door” for himself by stepping back to being friends.

This is the “polite breakup” style of many introverts.
Not simply “I need a little space and then we’ll go back to normal.”

Here’s the strong reality check:

If you go to see him with the mindset of:

“Today I’m going to do everything to make him come back with me again,”

you’ll pressure yourself and pressure him until it breaks again.

But if you go with the mindset of:

“Today I’m going to respect his feelings, take responsibility for the part I messed up as best as I can, and then let him choose,”

you will look genuinely “more mature” to him— and more importantly, you won’t betray yourself.

2) Look at your own flaws without making yourself look pretty

If you want to make up with someone well, the starting point is seeing yourself clearly first.
Not just “he doesn’t clear things up, he doesn’t make up,”
but asking: “What did I do repeatedly until he got exhausted?”

From what you shared, the core pattern looks like this:

2.1) Using the word “break up” as a weapon when you fight

“I accidentally said break up.”

“Before, I had also said break up.”

The word “accidentally” sounds harmless, but in a relationship it’s huge.

When you say break up, the message it sends is like:

“I’m ready to abandon you every time I’m hurt.”

“This relationship isn’t emotionally safe for you. One mistake and I can throw it away.”

I’ll say it plainly:

Saying “break up” repeatedly destroys his sense of emotional safety directly.

After enough times, he starts thinking:

“She doesn’t want to solve problems—she uses breakup as a control button.”

“I don’t feel truly loved. I feel temporarily chosen.”

Most introverted men hate instability.
If someone keeps saying breakup on and off, even if they come back in the beginning, it might still be manageable.
But at some point, they switch from “making up” mode to “withdrawing” mode.

And right now… he’s in that mode.

2.2) Wanting him to “make up and clear it up” the way you want, more than understanding how he solves problems

You said:

• He doesn’t talk, doesn’t clear it up, goes silent

• He isn’t good at making up

• He said his brain gets foggy, he can’t think fast enough when problems happen

That means:

His conflict style = freeze / shut down / need quiet first

Your conflict style = talk now / clear it now / answer now / reassure me now

When those two patterns collide, the result becomes:

• He’s silent → you feel ignored → you get upset and hurt

• He freezes and can’t find words → you think he doesn’t care

• He doesn’t “make up” in the way you want → you feel “not chosen”

• Then you use breakup as an emotional exit

Your key flaw here is:

You didn’t truly try to understand

“How does a person like him handle conflict?”

You tried to push him to handle it in the way that makes you feel comfortable.

And for introverts…
being forced to talk while their brain is still foggy = genuinely painful.

2.3) Letting “hurt feelings” drive the relationship

You used words like:

hurt, upset, sensitive, disappointed, sad

These feelings are normal. But if you let them hold the steering wheel, it leads to:

Every time there’s a problem → the focus becomes “How do I stop feeling bad?”
instead of “How do we understand each other better?”

Friend-to-friend reality check:

Your feelings are important,
but they’re not sacred to the point that someone else must manage them for you every time.

Sometimes he didn’t stop loving you.
He just didn’t have the skills to handle your emotional storm.
And he also has the habit of escaping into silence.
So both of you collapse harder together.

3) Understand introverts during conflict: he isn’t cold—he’s overloaded

Many introverts under conflict follow a similar pattern:

When there’s fighting / high expectations / a pressured tone

→ the brain “goes foggy” like he said

→ they can’t find words fast enough

→ they can’t communicate as smoothly as people who naturally talk a lot

They don’t know what to say because:

• if they speak, they’re afraid they’ll say the wrong thing

• if they don’t speak, they get accused of not caring

So they choose “silence / retreating into their head.”

Often, an introvert’s silence = processing + self-protection,
not “silence because I don’t care.”

But if the other person interprets “silence = not love,”
the problem inflates fast.

He said:

“When there’s a problem my brain gets foggy; I can’t think fast enough.”

That sentence is extremely important,
because it’s him admitting his limitation.

Not everyone has the courage to say:

“I’m bad at conflict. I freeze. I don’t know what to say.”

Another thing you must reflect on:

during the past 10 months, did you “help him” in that mode, or did you “press him down” in that mode?

4) When you meet this time—what is the real goal?

You asked:

“When we meet, how should I behave, and how should I make up with him?”

Before answering, we must clarify the goal.

Because if your goal is:

“I need him to come back right now,”

the chance of failing is very high—
for him and for your own dignity.

I want you to set a goal like this instead:

• Respect what he said
• He said he wants to be alone
• He said he’s tired and hurt
  → meaning he is not ready to return to the old relationship immediately

• Use this meeting to:
• apologize like an adult
• show that you truly understand your own flaws
• not pressure an answer, but give him space to know:
  “If one day you’re ready, the door is open, but I won’t chase you and squeeze you.”

• Leave the meeting with at least this: pride in yourself
• you didn’t collapse dramatically
• you didn’t beg past your dignity
• you owned your part
• you spoke with respect for yourself and for him

If you can do that today,
even if he doesn’t come back immediately,
his memory of you starts shifting—from “the person who threatens breakup with emotions” to “the person who actually started growing up.”

5) Before the meeting: prepare your heart, your words, and your limits

5.1) Prepare for the reality that he might not come back

This is brutal, but you need it.

Accept 100% that he might repeat his decision: friends only, wants to be alone.

If you go in believing “he will definitely change his mind,”
and he doesn’t → you’ll shatter right there.

But if you go in thinking:

“I’m going to close this wound as gracefully as I can.

If we continue, that’s a bonus—not a guarantee,”

you’ll regulate your emotions much better.

5.2) Prepare your 3–4 core messages

To avoid the talk drifting into drama, write down (in your head or on paper) what you must communicate, such as:

• admitting your mistakes

• using breakup as a weapon

• not understanding his introvert conflict style

• expecting him to “make up” instead of learning how to communicate in a way he can handle

• apologizing clearly with no excuses

• saying you now understand how he feels

• stating your future intention without forcing a decision today:
  “I want to work on myself no matter what your role is in my life.”

5.3) Set your personal limits

• If he clearly says “I’m not coming back,” how many times will you ask again? (Once is enough.)

• If he goes silent, how long will you give him before you speak again?

• If you start crying, how will you stop it from becoming emotional pressure on him?

Decide at least in your mind so you don’t lose control in the moment.

6) When you meet face-to-face: body language, tone, and wording

Picture the real situation.

6.1) How to open

Don’t rush into “Are we getting back together?”

Start softly:

“Thank you for meeting me today. I know you’re tired and you want to be alone right now, so it means a lot that you still agreed to talk.”

Keep your tone steady, gentle, not pleading.
No sarcasm, no passive-aggressive jokes.

6.2) State your flaws clearly—and shorter than you want to ramble

Example script (adjust into your own voice):

“I’m going to be direct.

Throughout our relationship, when there were problems, I focused only on how I felt. I got hurt that you didn’t clear things up, didn’t make up, didn’t talk.

But I didn’t truly try to understand that for someone like you—an introvert—when there’s conflict and I push you to talk, answer, and clear it up right then, you may genuinely go foggy and not be able to think.

The worst part is that I used the word ‘break up’ as a button when I was hurt. I threw that word at you even though I didn’t truly want to end it.

Now I understand it made you feel unsafe in this relationship, and it wasn’t fair to you.”

Key points:

• talk about yourself:
  “I did…” “I didn’t…” “I made you feel…”

• avoid:
  “Because you never make up, that’s why I had to…”
  That’s blaming.

6.3) Apologize without bargaining

Then apologize:

“I’m truly sorry that I used the word ‘break up’ too easily, and that I didn’t seriously try to understand how you think and feel.

I’m not expecting you to forgive me today or come back immediately.
I just want you to know that I see what I did to you.”

This is adult-level making up.
Not “Please come back.”
But: “I respect what I did to your heart, and I’m owning it completely.”

6.4) Share your feelings without making it a performance

You can say you’re sad, you miss him, you regret it—

but don’t say it in a pressuring way like:

“How can you do this to me?”

“I tried so hard—don’t you feel anything?”

Use a tone like:

“I’m sad it reached this point. I’m sad I realized too late that I didn’t understand you enough. I miss the good parts we had, and I know I also shortened them by my behavior.”

Then stop. Give him space to respond.

7) Questions you can ask vs questions you should avoid

7.1) Questions you can ask

• “How do you feel about me right now? You can be honest—I can handle it.”
  Then be silent and listen.

• “From your perspective, what hurt the most?”
  Ask to understand, not to argue.

• “Right now, do you truly want us to be friends first?”
  And accept the answer.

7.2) Questions to avoid

• “Can we be like before?”
• “Do you still love me? Answer.”
• “If I change, will you come back?”

If you want to express that idea, say it like this instead:

“I’m going to work on myself no matter what your role is in my life.

Whether we get back together or not, I want to stop hurting people with this pattern.

As for our status, I don’t want to force you to decide today.

I’d rather let you choose when your heart is ready.”

That tells him:

• you’re serious about change

• you’re not dragging him into your relationship ‘workshop’ without consent

8) After the meeting: don’t repeat the same behavior again

Even if you do everything perfectly today,
the real test is “after.”

8.1) If he says “friends only / I want to be alone”

Respond like:

“Okay. I respect your decision.

I’m sad, but I won’t force it.

Thank you for meeting me and letting me apologize.

If one day you want to talk again—no matter in what role—I’m open.

For now, I’m going to focus on improving myself.

I don’t want to carry this same pattern and hurt you—or anyone—again.”

Then:

• don’t message him nonstop every day

• don’t beg repeatedly

• don’t use sad social media posts as indirect pressure

Give him real space.
And give yourself real space too.

8.2) Change yourself for you—not only to get him back

• Stop using “break up” as an emotional toy

• Pause for 3 seconds before reacting when you’re hurt

• Learn introvert–extrovert differences more deeply

• Build a life bigger than romance: friends, work, hobbies, your own goals

The bigger your world is, the less power hurt feelings will have over your relationship decisions.

9) Final reality check from a friend

Listen carefully:

“Sometimes the best way to make up

isn’t making him come back,

but making him see that

if he ever looks back,

he’ll see you truly became a better person.”

Whether he comes back or never comes back
is not the full measure of your worth.

A clearer measure is:

• Can you face your flaws honestly?

• Can you admit you also made him tired?

• Can you choose growth instead of looping blame forever?

Your plan for today is:

• Meet him with a heart prepared for both outcomes

• Apologize clearly and own your part

• Don’t pressure, don’t rush a status decision

• Respect whatever he answers and don’t push beyond that

• Afterward, truly take care of yourself and change for real

If you want, I can draft detailed “spoken scripts” sentence-by-sentence:

• a short opening version

• a longer version for explaining your feelings

• and a follow-up message you can send after the meeting

But first… take one deep breath, and tell yourself softly:

“I won’t let hurt feelings destroy me again.

This time, I’m going to grow for real—not just in words.”

✉🖉 

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