I think my husband is talking to another woman.

Let’s talk about this:

 We’ve been married for 12 years and have two sons—our oldest is 12 and our youngest is 5.

I’m selfish and I focus only on my own feelings. I forced my husband not to have a social life—only me. And he’s agreed to it all along. He’s been a good husband all along, until about a month ago. 

Lately, I feel like whatever I say doesn’t get through to him—he gets annoyed and snaps at me all the time, even when I speak nicely. He gets irritated at me so often that tonight at 10 p.m., he went out to use his phone in another building. 

We live at home, about 50 meters apart. Coincidentally, a work issue came up, so I called him on Line and it showed “busy.” I tried calling his number and he didn’t answer. I called on Line again—it showed the same thing. I sent messages and he didn’t read them. I called many times. 

It was urgent work, so I walked over to find him. I found him lying down and talking on the phone. When he saw me, he jolted. I asked him right away who he was talking to. 

He denied it—said no, he wasn’t talking to anyone. But when I tried to take the phone to look, he hurriedly pressed things on the phone over and over and wouldn’t let me see. (He looked startled—his hands were shaking so clearly I could see it.) 

I tried to grab it. He quickly deleted his entire usage history and wouldn’t let me touch the phone at all, even though before he never guarded it like this. 

Then he said how bad I am, that he’s endured it for 15 years—if he had somewhere to go, he would’ve left a long time ago. He said that for 12 years of marriage he has never been happy at all, but he insists he doesn’t have someone else. But my feelings are still stuck and uneasy. 

He’s changed. I caught him and he looked flustered, then he scolded me to cover it up. What do you all think? Please give me some advice.

Here’s how I see it:

If we were truly friends—sitting and talking in the kitchen late at night, under that warm orange light, sipping tea, and I listened until you finished telling this story—

the first sentence I would say is…

“Yes, something is strange. And yes… you also played a part in getting things to this point.”

Not the sweet kind of comforting like, “It’s okay, he’s 100% wrong.”
But also not a judgment like, “Well, it’s because you’re selfish, that’s why he turned out like this.”

It’s two things you have to accept at the same time:

His behavior right now is very suspicious.

And your behavior over the past ten-plus years has also kept him under a lot of pressure.

Let’s peel this back layer by layer—like watching the series of your own life without skipping episodes.

1) First: Your suspicion is “not just in your head”

Let’s break down tonight’s case into clear pieces:

• He went to another building at 10 p.m.

• He used his phone and didn’t answer you—neither Line nor direct calls

• When you walked over, you found him lying down talking on the phone

• When he saw you, he startled, his hands shook, and he hurriedly tapped something

• He wouldn’t let you look at the phone, even though before he “never guarded it”

• He quickly deleted the usage history

• Then he exploded at you and said:
• He’s endured it for 15 years
• For the 12 years of marriage he’s “never been happy at all”
• If he had somewhere to go, he would’ve left a long time ago

Honestly—in the position of an outsider who has no stake in your husband’s side—
it’s extremely suspicious.

Refusing to let you touch the phone + deleting the history + shaking hands = someone who is “hiding something.”

Responding by “cussing you out / bringing up 12–15 years of history” instead of explaining = deflection.

He might be:

• talking to another woman

• or talking to someone he’s emotionally attached to, even if it hasn’t crossed into physical cheating

• or talking about something he doesn’t want you to know (but from a spouse’s perspective, hiding it is still wrong)

We weren’t there, so we can’t declare “there’s definitely an affair, 100%.”
But we can say: your uneasiness has a reason. It’s not just overthinking.

So don’t let anyone tell you, “You’re imagining things.”
But… you also can’t jump straight to the farthest conclusion like:

“He must be sleeping with someone else.”

when right now we still don’t have hard evidence of what level it is.

2) But at the same time… “He didn’t suddenly become unhappy today”

I have to say this plainly, as a friend who cares but won’t just nod along:

You wrote it yourself:

“I’m selfish, I focus only on my own feelings, I forced my husband not to have a social life—only me.”

That’s a strong sentence. If you read it as if you’re stepping outside yourself and looking from the side, what we’re seeing is:

• You “tied” his life to having only you

• No social life, no space of his own

• Your priority was mainly “your feelings”

• And he “gave in the whole time”

Which means:

• He may have been storing up suffocation for years

• He may have tried to be a “good husband” by your definition until he had nothing left of himself

• He may have sent signals before, but you didn’t receive them—because you were living mostly inside your own emotional world

When a man says:

“I haven’t been happy at all for 12 years. If I had somewhere to go, I would’ve left long ago.”

We don’t know if that is “100% true” or if it’s angry talk—letting it all spill out.
But we do know one thing:

Nobody endures 12 years of zero happiness without ever giving signs beforehand.

Whether we “noticed the signs” is another matter.

3) What’s clear: right now there are two problems stacked together

Your home doesn’t have only one problem. It has two layers.

Layer 1: His current behavior

• hiding things

• not letting you touch the phone

• changing his attitude

• getting irritated easily

• sneaking off to use the phone privately
  → This is where he must take full responsibility.

Layer 2: The long-term relationship pattern

• you being selfish

• focusing mainly on your own feelings

• cutting him off from social support

• tying him to having only you

• him giving in repeatedly until he had no energy left to give in
  → This is where you must take full responsibility for your part.

The issue is: right now your emotions are focusing almost entirely on (1),
and you’ve started using (2) as only a “light self-insult,” but you haven’t actually “fixed it.”

In real life, if you want to save the people and the family,
you have to face both layers at the same time.
Not just ask:

“Does he have someone else?”

But also ask yourself:

“If I were him, how many years could I endure a woman like me?”

4) Painful but necessary: cutting your husband off from society = a form of control

The phrase “I forced my husband not to have a social life—only me”
makes the stomach drop, because it is…

control

cutting him off from other sources of emotional strength

making him emotionally dependent on you alone—while at the same time you “didn’t truly listen to him.”

Picture his life:

• no male friends

• work social life trapped in a frame

• comes home to someone who is “selfish and focused only on her own feelings” (your words)

It’s like someone has only one room to breathe in,
and in that room there’s a broken air purifier that works only one way: it cleans our air, not his.

I’m not saying this to “take his side.”
I’m saying it so you can see: he wasn’t the only one wrong.

The reality check you need is:

• You are not the only victim.

• He is not the only devil.

• Both of you built this “broken equation” together.

5) Why did he change? Possible reasons (more than one can be true)

You clearly saw the change over the past month:

• even if you speak nicely, he’s annoyed

• easily irritated

• snaps at you

• doesn’t answer calls

• hides to talk on the phone

Possible reasons (more than one may be happening at the same time):

• He’s already emotionally attached to someone else (chatting / texting / calling)
• The new person makes him feel “heard”
• Doesn’t judge him the way he feels judged at home
• So he slowly pulls away from talking to you because every conversation = conflict / irritation

• He’s completely exhausted from the past ten-plus years
• People don’t have infinite endurance
• He may have stored so much that he’s reached a “boiling point”
• When you tried to grab the phone, it wasn’t just about a phone anymore—it was “twelve years exploding”

• He doesn’t know how to leave this relationship
• two children
• money, house, family ties
• so he’s stuck in the zone of “not continuing, but not brave enough to walk out”

People in this zone often show “irritation / annoyance / snapping” because deep down they hate themselves for not making a decision.

Whatever the true reason is, one unavoidable truth is:

Right now he’s not in “a husband ready to talk calmly and fix things together” mode.
He’s in “easy to explode, high self-protection, ready to shut the door on conversation” mode.

And if you approach him only in “catch him + squeeze a confession” mode,
you’ll make him lock the phone tighter—and lock his heart tighter too.

6) Wake-up call: if you focus only on “finding evidence,” you’ll lose more than you think

I get it. Your heart desperately wants to know:

“So who the hell are you talking to?”

That’s the raw emotion, honestly.

But here’s the hard warning, friend to friend:

• chasing evidence

• secretly checking everything

• stalking / spying behind his back

• pressuring him to confess

will turn you into a version of yourself that you don’t even want to be.
And if he really is wrong, you have every right to be angry.
But if you destroy yourself first, you’ll lose both your dignity and your clarity.

What matters more is:

You have to become as “steady” as you can.

Step back one step to see the big picture.

Start by managing yourself before trying to manage him.

7) Check yourself too: the pattern you must admit is truly your flaw

You wrote that you are:

• selfish

• focused only on your own feelings

• forced your husband not to have a social life

Let’s go deeper so the pattern becomes clearer:

7.1) Being selfish = wanting him to be “everything” in your life

Deep down, this often comes from:

• fear of abandonment

• the feeling that “if he pays attention to others, it means he doesn’t love me”

• the urge to control because the outside world feels scary

Result:

• he has to be with you “24/7 emotionally”

• he has no room to breathe

• love becomes a “golden cage” more than a “home”

7.2) Focusing only on your own feelings = not really listening to how he feels

Ask yourself bluntly:

Each year, did you ever truly ask:

“How do you feel about life right now?”

And did you “really listen”?

Or did you listen just enough to end it, then return to talking about your feelings again?

When someone lives with a person who “listens only to themselves” for long enough,
they eventually stop talking and stop sharing.
Then they start looking for someone who “actually listens to them.”
And that’s the dangerous point.

7.3) Forcing him to have no social life = leaving him “without another world”

It sounds romantic like, “I want him to have only me.”
But in reality, it is:

• cutting him off from a support system

• if he’s stressed, he has no friends to vent to

• if he’s suffering, he has no one to advise him

• so he sinks into “you + kids + burdens” with nowhere to rest emotionally

Here’s the heavy reality check:

A man with no social circle, no friends, no one who listens,
living with a woman with this pattern for 10+ years—
the chance that he will “slip toward someone else” or “lose his heart” is high.

I’m not saying this to blame you alone.
I’m saying it so you can clearly see: your flaws are not small.
And if you want a better future, you must accept them fully.

8) So what should you do now—step by step (not just cry and wait)

Here’s a practical plan like a friend laying it out:

Step 1: Stop the chase-game immediately (even if you want to know so badly)

• stop grabbing the phone

• stop calling repeatedly just to check

• stop asking “Who are you talking to?” every time you see him holding his phone

Because it will make:

• him shut down more

• him get better at lying

• him feel like “being with you = being in an interrogation room”

Step 2: Manage your emotions first (at least enough to talk with a clear head)

If you know that when you talk you’ll cry, yell, collapse—
postpone the talk first.

Vent to a friend / a therapist / write in a diary instead.

Give yourself 2–3 days to stabilize and breathe fully.

Warning:

Don’t talk when your emotions are at a 9/10.
The result usually destroys both people and produces words you can’t take back.

Step 3: Talk like “two grown adults,” not “a warden and a suspect”

Try this approach (example tone):

“I’m going to be direct.

That day when I saw you talking on the phone and you quickly shut it down, I was deeply hurt, and I don’t believe there was nothing going on.

But at the same time, I know that for more than ten years I’ve been selfish, I’ve forced you in many ways, and I haven’t truly listened to your feelings.

Today I’m not here just to catch you.
I want the truth—and I also want to see whether, if I change myself, the two of us still want something from each other.

If you have something in your heart, can you tell me honestly?
You don’t have to be afraid that I’ll blow it up or end everything right here. I want to talk as two people who once loved each other a lot—first.”

No guarantee he’ll open up immediately.

But this tone makes him feel:

• you’re not only trying to catch him

• you truly see your own flaws

• you’re giving him more room to speak the truth

Step 4: Listen to the end, even if it hurts

If he starts to talk about:

• what suffocated him

• when he was unhappy

• how your patterns made him feel

Your job at that moment is to “listen.”

Don’t argue. Don’t rush to defend. Don’t snap back with “And what about you?!”

Remember:

When he’s finally speaking his pain, it’s not a stage where we compete by showing our pain louder.

You can share yours later.
But when he opens his mouth for the first time in years,
if you use that moment to protect yourself,
the door will slam shut instantly.

Step 5: Gradually lay out the three paths ahead

After talking (it may take more than one round), the future has about three main routes:

Stay together + both are willing to change

• he admits his wrongdoing about hiding / talking to someone else (if it exists)

• you admit your wrongdoing about control / not listening

• both agree to couples therapy / improve communication / return space to each other

Stay together but only one person changes (you change, but he stays closed)

• if this continues long enough, you will be drained

• you’ll have to ask yourself hard:
  “Do I want to live the rest of my life inside this equation?”

Don’t stay together (separate)

• it’s not “failure”

• it can be accepting that something broken for over a decade may not be repairable

• separating with clarity is better than staying and hurting each other in front of the kids

You don’t have to choose today.
But you must know you “have a choice.”
You’re not stuck only in the mode of catching him forever.

9) The kids: don’t make them the “shield in the middle of war”

You have two sons, 12 and 5. Don’t forget:

• a 12-year-old already understands the house atmosphere isn’t normal

• a 5-year-old may not understand the words, but can feel tension extremely well

What to avoid:

• don’t fight in front of the kids

• don’t use the kids as messengers like “Go tell your dad…”

• don’t vent to the kids about their father like “Your dad is just like this…”

Because no matter what happens between husband and wife,

he is still “their father,”

and kids should not be forced to pick a side.

If you must argue, do it when the kids aren’t there.
If you must cry, cry with friends—avoid crying in front of them as much as you can.

10) Lastly: what I want you to do “for yourself,” not just to get your husband back

Even if he truly has someone else, and even if you end up separating,
doing these things is still worth it—because it’s repairing you:

Learn not to tie your whole life to one person again

• you will have friends, a social life, your own world

• in the future, a partner is “part of your world,” not “your entire world”

Practice truly listening to other people’s feelings

• not listening just to respond quickly

• listening to understand how they feel, even if it’s not what you want to hear

Work on your fear of abandonment

• sometimes our selfishness comes from “being scared”

• seeing a therapist is not shameful

• it’s respect for yourself and your family

Learn to set boundaries

• in this relationship and in the future

• for example:
• not accepting repeated lies
• not accepting being verbally hurt all the time

• and at the same time:
• not controlling someone until they can’t breathe

Build your self-worth more solidly than before

• do what you want to do

• grow yourself in ways not tied only to being a wife or mother

• when you feel you have value in yourself, you cling less to others

11) A final view from one friend: you’re not evil, he’s not evil, but both of you messed up—big time

From an outsider’s lens:

• you’re not a terrible woman—you used fear of losing him and expressed it as control

• he’s not a demon—he used the wrong kind of endurance, stayed silent, never asked, never told, then exploded all at once

So what happens now becomes:

• you’re hurt because you suspect he has someone else

• he’s hurt because he feels he endured for a long time and no one understood

• the kids live in a home where the atmosphere is slowly breaking

The most important question right now isn’t only:

“Who is he talking to?”

It’s:

“From today on, how will I grow from this?”

“Which version of myself will I be next—one that revolves around catching him, or one that dares to face my flaws and truly improve?”

Whether he changes or not—you can’t control it.
Whether he has someone else or not—you can’t control it.
But what you can control for sure is: who you become after tonight.

You don’t have to decide everything tomorrow morning.

Start with:

• take a deep breath

• accept that both he and you “really do have fault”

• commit that from now on you will not use fear to control the person you love

• and you also will not allow someone’s dissatisfaction to keep destroying your dignity over and over either

If one day you look back at tonight,
I hope it won’t be only “the night I caught him acting strange,”
but “the night I started growing into a version of myself I’m truly proud of.”

You can hurt. You can cry.
But after crying, don’t forget to ask yourself softly:

“From here… how will I protect my heart, and my children’s hearts, better than before?”

You don’t have to be strong today.
But if you can look straight at your own flaws like you already started writing here,
you’ve already walked halfway ahead of many women.

✌💖

marriage trust issues, suspected emotional affair, phone secrecy, deleted call history, controlling behavior in relationships, isolation from social support, emotional regulation, jealousy and fear of abandonment, communication breakdown, conflict escalation, relationship boundaries, couples counseling, rebuilding trust, co-parenting during conflict, verbal aggression, accountability in marriage, self-reflection and growth, intimacy and distance, relationship repair plan, protecting children from marital conflict