Does anyone else have a partner like this—who gets angry for no reason and then destroys things? What should I do?

Let’s talk about this:

Does anyone else have a partner like this—who gets angry for no reason and then destroys things? What should I do?

My partner is the type who destroys things when they’re angry. When they get mad, they’ll throw their phone until the screen cracks, shove the fan, sweep plates off the table until they break—most recently, they swiped all of their own cosmetics and broke everything.

And after they do all that, the person who ends up responsible is me. If the cosmetics break, they get angry at me. If the phone breaks, they won’t stop being angry unless it gets fixed or replaced with a new one.

What should I do? I truly don’t know. But I can’t leave them either, because they have depression and they have to take medication all the time. I just don’t know if I should stop here, or keep going. I feel like it’s wearing me down mentally, but I can’t help worrying about them.

Can anyone recommend what I should do?
(P.S. It’s not just destroying things—they also hurt themself, hit themself, and have thoughts of suicide too.)

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Here’s how I see it:

Okay… sit down first, alright? Take a long, deep breath.

After reading your message, the picture is crystal clear—so clear it’s like I can hear the sound of something shattering in my head.

You’re not only asking, “What should I do?”
You’re really asking, “How can I help them without falling apart with them?”
And only someone who truly loves and takes responsibility would ask that.

In this case, there are two big layers happening at the same time:

• Violence rooted in uncontrolled emotions (destroying things / forcing you to take responsibility)

• Safety risk (self-harm + talking about suicide)

These two things are no longer “normal couple drama.” This is a safety situation that needs to be handled systematically.

The scene I see from your story (and why it’s so brutally draining)

Picture this… you walk back into the room and see shattered powder/perfume/cosmetic compacts scattered everywhere, a cracked phone screen, a knocked-over fan, broken plates.
The person who did it… is still angry.
The person who cleans it up… is you.
And the ending is not “we talk and understand each other.”
It’s “you have to fix it / buy a new one, or they won’t stop being angry.”

That’s not “just emotions.”
That’s a cycle:

• They get angry → they release it by breaking things

• Deep down they feel guilt/shame (some people won’t admit it) → it turns into “blaming you”

• You rush to solve it (repair / replace / beg) → the tension drops temporarily

• Their brain learns: “breaking things works” (they get comfort, new items, control of the situation)

• Next time, it becomes easier to break things—and the intensity escalates

And the heaviest part is what you wrote yourself:

“It’s not just destroying things—they also hurt themself, hit themself, and think about suicide.”

Here I have to speak plainly, with no self-deception:

This is high-risk, and you should not carry this alone.

Before we talk about “Should I continue or leave,” we need to talk about “Are you safe tonight?” first

If right now, or within the next 24–48 hours, they show signs like:

• They clearly say they have a plan to harm themself / “I want to die” in a way that feels out of control

• They have the tools/method ready to do it immediately

• They are heavily intoxicated (medication/alcohol), extremely volatile

• They have just self-harmed recently

• They are destroying things more aggressively and you’re starting to fear you’ll get caught in it

Then treat it as an emergency.

I’m not saying this to panic you. I’m saying it because real human life is inside this equation—and “hoping tomorrow will be better” is sometimes too slow.

Key points that must be emphasized (triple-bold in spirit)

• Depression is not a license to hurt other people

• You have the right to love them, and you have the right not to be harmed along the way

• You can help them, but you cannot “treat” them in place of a doctor

You are a partner—not an emergency room, not a psychiatrist, and not a life insurance policy

Why do they destroy things and then dump the responsibility on you?

I’m not going to diagnose, but I’ll explain common mechanisms:

1. Emotional overload + zero emotion-regulation skills

For some people, when they get angry, the rational part of the brain feels like it gets switched off. All that’s left is “release it completely.” Throwing/breaking things releases energy fast.

2. Unbearable shame → they must find someone “at fault”

After breaking things, they may feel guilt/shame—but they can’t tolerate admitting it. The way out is to blame you, so they don’t have to face reality.

3. Control through outcomes (coercion)

“If you don’t fix it / don’t buy a new one, I’ll stay angry.”
That’s not communication. That’s coercion.

4. Depression may be only one part of the picture

Many people have depression along with other issues: severe anxiety, mood instability, impulse-control problems, certain personality patterns, etc.

Right now you need two parallel plans: an “emergency plan” + a “long-term plan”

Emergency plan (do this today)
Goal: reduce injury / prevent escalation

1. Don’t argue when they’re in a rage

When objects start flying, that’s not the time for logic. Use short, repeatable phrases that don’t add fuel:

• “Okay, we’re stopping this conversation for now.”

• “We’ll talk when we’ve both calmed down.”

• “This isn’t safe right now. I’m going to step away.”

2. Leave the danger zone

Go to another room, go outside, go to a neighbor/security guard (if available).
Courage in this case is retreating intelligently—not standing there absorbing an explosion.

3. Remove self-harm/weaponizable items (only if you can do it safely)

Don’t do it confrontationally—do it quietly and reduce risk.

4. Have the numbers ready to press

Emergency call etc.

5. Don’t be alone with this level of risk

You need at least one person who “knows what’s going on”—a close friend, sibling, family, someone in their household—so if something happens, you are not left holding all responsibility alone.

Long-term plan (if you’re going to “continue,” it must come with conditions—not endless endurance)

Goal: stop the “break–you repair–break again” cycle

I’ll say this bluntly:
If you continue the same way, the violence is likely to “upgrade.”
Today they break objects → tomorrow they break worse → and one day it could become you being shoved/hit/threatened.
That’s a path I don’t want you to walk.

So yes, you can “continue,” but only as a structured continuation with boundaries.

1. Set 3 iron rules (Non-negotiable)

Use words that sound like you, but the core must be firm:

Rule 1: No destroying property

If they start destroying things = you leave the situation immediately.

Rule 2: No suicide threats as a tool to pressure you

If they threaten suicide = you call for help / call 1323 / take them to the hospital.

(Not because you’re cruel, but because this is an emergency signal.)

Rule 3: They are responsible for the damage they cause

This is critical, because right now you’ve been trained into the role of “the payer.”

If you pay every time, the cycle will not stop.

But I’ll warn you: do Rule 3 safely.
If you announce it and they explode, don’t collide—retreat to Rule 1 first (leave the area).

2. Have the talk when calm (a board meeting, not a battlefield)

Talk like this:

• “I love you, and I’m genuinely worried.”

• “But destroying things + making me responsible is hurting me.”

• “If this happens again, I will leave the room immediately, and I will not repair or replace it.”

• “I’m willing to support you in seeing a doctor / getting help, but I cannot stay in violence.”

These are boundaries, not threats.
The difference is: you must follow through.

3. Get treatment that actually matches the problem

They are taking antidepressants—good.
But the behavior—breaking things / self-harm / explosive anger—says: “this needs further evaluation.”

Concrete steps:

• Book a psychiatrist appointment as soon as possible and report everything: property destruction, self-harm, suicide threats, explosive episodes.

• Ask about therapy that targets emotion-regulation skills, such as DBT/CBT (depending on what the clinician recommends).

• If there’s substance use/alcohol, say it directly—because it pours gasoline on the fire.

4. You need real self-care

People who live long-term with a loved one’s suicide risk often develop caregiver burnout and chronic anxiety. You should:

Talk to a psychologist or call 1323 to get guidance on how to help without breaking yourself. bangkokcommunityresources.isb.ac.th+1

• Have rest space—stay with a friend, go back to your home sometimes.

• Separate money, separate burdens—don’t let your life become chained to paying for broken things.

“I can’t leave them because they’re sick.” — This sentence is very dangerous for you

I understand—it’s love with responsibility. But separate these two:

Leaving them = not caring, not helping, ignoring them completely

Stepping back for safety = still helping them get treatment, but not staying inside violence

You can “not abandon” them while also “not allowing yourself to be harmed.”

Love should not be a chain that says:

“If I’m sick, I can do anything to you.”

Let me ask directly, like a friend: Are you safe right now?

You’ve already described property destruction and self-harm.

Now the big question: “Should I stop here or keep going?”

Here are realistic criteria—no fantasy:

You can continue IF these 4 things happen:

1. They admit the behavior is wrong (they stop blaming you)
2. They agree to serious treatment / treatment adjustment
3. They accept boundaries: breaking things = you step away, you don’t repair/replace, help is called if there are threats
4. There is real improvement within 1–3 months (not “better for three days” and then the same loop)

You should step back IF these 3 things happen:

1. They deny everything and keep blaming you
2. The violence becomes more frequent / more intense, or you start feeling afraid
3. They use “I’ll kill myself” as a weapon to bind you to them

If you’re in the “step back” category… I’ll say this as a friend who won’t lie:
Continuing without a system of support means you are risking your mental health—and your safety too.

Ready-to-use scripts you can say (you can literally use these)

When they start escalating:

“I love you, but it isn’t safe right now. I’m stepping away.”

“We’ll talk when we’re both calm.”

When they break things and blame you:

“I’m not taking responsibility for things you broke.”

“If you want help, I can help you see a doctor—but I’m not replacing things to satisfy anger.”

When they talk about suicide:

“I hear you, and I’m not going to ignore this. I’m calling for help / taking you to the hospital.” 

(This is the kind of statement that’s serious—and it often reduces threats, because they realize it won’t control you.)

Finally… I want you to hear this sentence clearly:

You are a good person.
But being a good person should not mean being harmed again and again.
And helping someone you love does not require you to stand in the blast zone every time.

🖤

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