I'm 20 Years Old, Filling in as a Caregiver, and the Elderly Patient Has Kissed My Cheek Twice — What Do I Do? 🚨💙

Let’s talk about this:

Hello,
I’ve been kissed on the cheek twice already. What should I do? I really don’t like it.

Here’s what happened: I’m 20 years old and I study at a university in XX City. It’s currently school break. A friend I know asked me to fill in for them for about two weeks. The job is caregiving—taking care of a patient at the patient’s home.

I’m taking care of an elderly man. He’s around 70 years old. He had surgery and needs dialysis twice a week. When I first started, my friend taught me how to care for him for one day. At first it was difficult because there was so much to remember. Now it’s been a week and I can do things more smoothly.

I call the person I take care of “Grandpa” because he has a good personality and he likes to talk to me about different things while I’m caring for him. When his children come, they bring me things and talk to me too—it’s pretty enjoyable. I feel like Grandpa is kind.

But these past two days, something strange happened. While I was doing physical therapy for him—meaning I had to help support him while he stood up—he kissed my cheek. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran outside the room. I thought maybe he was just being affectionate toward me like a grandchild.

The second time was today. I was helping support him again and he kissed my cheek again. I told him that I don’t like that.

What should I do? I need money during the school break, and if I quit this job, my friend still hasn’t come back yet. Was the patient doing the right thing or not? What should I do?

📋 Table of Contents

1. Let's be clear about what happened
2. The age and illness factor — what it does and doesn't change
3. Your situation: money, your friend, and one more week
4. Practical steps for the time you're still there
5. If it happens again — your options
6. Support resources
7. DramoCiety Summary 🎭

Here’s how I see it:

You already did the most important thing: you told him you didn't like it. That took more courage than most people realize, especially when you're 20, in an unfamiliar work situation, feeling like you need to be polite and respectful to someone who is elderly and sick. I want to start there, because you need to hear that clearly before anything else.

Now let's talk about what's happening, what your options are, and how to get through the next week safely. 🔍

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Let's be clear about what happened. 📋

An elderly man kissed your cheek twice while you were in physical contact with him during caregiving tasks. You didn't invite it. You didn't expect it. The first time, you were so startled that you left the room. The second time, you told him directly that you don't like it. 📌

That's the situation. And I want to be clear with you about it, because sometimes when things happen with older people — especially ones who seem kind and warm, especially in a caregiving relationship where you feel responsible for their comfort — it becomes very easy to spend a lot of energy trying to find an explanation that makes it feel less serious. Maybe he meant it like a grandfather. Maybe he didn't think about it. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe he's just affectionate.

Maybe some of those things are true. And none of them change the core fact: he touched you in a personal way without your consent, and when it happened again, you told him you didn't like it. Whether his intention was innocent or not, the behavior crossed a boundary — your boundary — and you have every right to feel uncomfortable, and every right to protect yourself. 🔐

You asked: Was the patient doing the right thing or not?

The direct answer is: no. A caregiver's body is not available for affection, regardless of how warm the relationship feels. The fact that you're helping him, touching him as part of care, being physically close — none of that means he has permission to initiate physical contact on your face. That's your boundary to set, not his to decide. 📌

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The age and illness factor. What it does and doesn't change. 🏥💡

Let me address this directly, because I expect it's something you've been thinking about and possibly feeling guilty about: he's 70, he's recovering from surgery, he needs dialysis. Does that mean you should be more tolerant of this kind of behavior?

No. It doesn't. And here's why — not as a harsh judgment, but as a clear explanation. 🔬

Age and illness affect a person's mobility, their energy, their need for care. They do not affect a person's understanding of whether touching someone without permission is appropriate. A 70-year-old man who has lived an entire adult life knows that kissing someone who is caring for you is not a standard part of caregiving. He knows you're not his family member. He knows you're a young woman who is there professionally. 📊

In care settings — home care, hospital settings, elderly care — boundary violations by patients toward caregivers are more common than most people know. Sometimes they happen because a patient's cognitive function has declined significantly and they genuinely don't understand what they're doing. That doesn't appear to be the situation here, based on what you've described — he is communicative, engaged, and has a clearly functioning personality. 🧩

Sometimes they happen because a patient, consciously or not, takes advantage of the caregiving relationship — the physical closeness, the caregiver's professional obligation to be present and helpful, the power imbalance of "I need care and you're providing it." You don't have to decide which category this falls into. What matters is that the boundary was crossed, you named it clearly, and now you need a plan for the rest of the week. 🎯

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Your situation: money, your friend, and one more week. 🗓️💸

Let me acknowledge the actual constraints you're dealing with, because advice that ignores reality isn't useful advice. You need the money from this job during school break. Your friend hasn't returned yet and you're covering for them. You have approximately one week left. You can't easily just walk away without thinking about the practical consequences. 📋

These are real considerations. They don't obligate you to stay if you don't feel safe — but they are factors, and the plan for the next week should account for them. 🧭

The most important thing to do right now, regardless of what else you decide: tell your friend what has happened. Today. Not in a way that causes drama, not demanding they come back immediately — but factually: "Something has made me uncomfortable here that I need you to know about. The patient has kissed my cheek twice. I told him I don't like it. I'm going to stay for the rest of the week, but I need you to know this happened."

This matters for several reasons. Your friend needs to know what happened in their absence. If this pattern of behavior has occurred before, your friend may have information that's relevant to you. And if anything escalates in the remaining week, you've already informed someone — which matters both practically and for your own sense of not being alone with this. 🤝

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Practical steps for the time you're still there. 🛠️🔐

If you decide to stay for the remaining week — and that's a completely valid decision given your circumstances — here are concrete things you can do to reduce your risk and maintain your boundaries. 🎯

Physical positioning during care tasks. The kisses happened during physical therapy when you were supporting him to stand — a moment when your face is naturally close to his. When you're doing these tasks, consciously position yourself to the side rather than directly in front of him. Support him from the side, keep your face turned away, use your arms and hands as the contact points rather than your upper body. This reduces the opportunity without requiring any conversation or explanation. 🏥

Verbal reinforcement if needed. You've already told him once that you don't like it. If he approaches again in a way that feels concerning, you can say it again — briefly and clearly: "Grandpa, please remember I said I'm not comfortable with that." Not aggressive, not apologetic — just clear. The tone matters as much as the words. Firm and matter-of-fact communicates that this is a firm limit, not a negotiation. 💬

Reduce unnecessary one-on-one time. The incidents happened during care tasks where you had to be physically close. Outside of those tasks, you don't need to be sitting next to him or in close proximity. Keep a comfortable professional distance during general time. You can still be warm and conversational from across the room. 🧭

Note what's happening. Keep a simple record — dates, what happened, what you said. You don't have to do anything with it. But having it written down is protective, both for your own clarity and in case anything escalates. 📋

When his family is present, make a point of being visible. You mentioned his children visit and they're friendly with you. During those visits, you don't need to report anything unless you choose to — but being seen by other adults in the household during your work is its own form of protection. 👁️

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If it happens again. Your options. 🚨🎯

If he does it again after you've already told him you don't like it, that is a meaningfully different situation from the first two times. The first two times, a boundary was crossed without your explicit verbal response. Now you've said it directly. A third incident would be a deliberate continuation after you've communicated your boundary. That's when your options change. 📌

Option A: Contact your friend immediately and ask them to help you exit. "It happened again. I need to stop this job. Can you help me find a solution?" You are not abandoning your friend — you are informing them of a situation that has made this placement unsafe for you. A friend who understands will help you find a way out. 🤝

Option B: Speak to the patient's family. His children visit. If you are not comfortable continuing but also don't want to simply disappear, you can say to the family — calmly and factually: "I'm not comfortable continuing because of some things that have happened during care. I want to tell you directly rather than just leaving." You don't have to provide extensive detail if you don't want to. Factual and brief is fine. 💬

Option C: Leave. You have the right to stop working if you feel unsafe. No job is worth enduring repeated boundary violations. The money matters, and the commitment to your friend matters, and neither of them outweighs your right to physical safety and comfort in your workplace. If you need to leave, you leave. 🚪

Whatever you decide: you are not responsible for finding his replacement. You are not responsible for your friend's scheduling problem. You are responsible for yourself — and making the decision that keeps you safe is the right one, regardless of the inconvenience it creates for other people. 📿

The Buddhist concept of ahiṃsā — non-harm — applies here in both directions. You are committed to caring for this person well, which is why you've stayed through discomfort. But non-harm also applies to yourself. You are allowed to remove yourself from a situation that harms you. 📿

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Support resources. 🆘💙

If you need to talk to someone — whether about what's happened, about your options, or simply because you're feeling shaken and need support — these services exist for exactly this. You don't have to have decided anything to reach out.

🇺🇸 USA — RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (free, 24/7) | rainn.org

🇨🇦 Canada — Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566

🇬🇧 UK — Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (free, 24/7) | rapecrisis.org.uk

🇦🇺 Australia — 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (free, 24/7)

You can also speak with a trusted adult in your life — a parent, a university counselor, a friend you trust. You don't have to process this alone. 💙

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🎭 DramoCiety Summary

• ✅ You already did the right thing. You told him you didn't like it. That was brave and appropriate. You're not overreacting by feeling uncomfortable — you're correctly reading that a boundary was crossed.
• 📌 The direct answer to your question: No, the patient was not doing the right thing. A caregiver's body is not available for affection, regardless of age, regardless of illness, regardless of how warm the relationship feels. You did not consent. That's the line.
• 🏥 Age and illness don't change the boundary. They affect his mobility and his need for care. They don't affect whether touching someone without consent is appropriate. A 70-year-old with a fully functioning mind knows the difference.
• 🤝 Tell your friend today. Factually, without drama. They need to know what happened in their absence, and you need to not be the only person who knows this is happening.
• 🔐 Physical positioning during care tasks: support from the side, not directly in front, face turned away, arms as the primary contact point. Reduces opportunity without requiring conversation.
• 💬 Verbal boundary if needed: "Grandpa, please remember I said I'm not comfortable with that." Brief, clear, matter-of-fact. Not apologetic, not aggressive.
• 📋 Note what's happening. Dates, what happened, what you said. Simple record. Protective.
• 🚨 If it happens again after you've already said it directly: that's deliberate continuation after a clearly communicated limit. Contact your friend, speak to the family, or leave. All three are valid responses.
• 🚪 You have the right to leave. No job is worth enduring repeated boundary violations. The money matters. The commitment to your friend matters. Neither outweighs your right to physical safety and comfort.
• 📿 Ahiṃsā (non-harm) — includes not harming yourself. You are allowed to remove yourself from a situation that harms you. That is not abandonment. That is self-protection.

You're 20 years old, in an unfamiliar work situation, trying to be helpful and professional and respectful — and something happened that shouldn't have happened. You handled it as well as anyone could have. You named it. You set the boundary. You're asking for help figuring out what to do next. 💙

That's exactly the right thing to be doing. The next step is telling your friend, protecting yourself physically during the remaining care tasks, and knowing clearly what you'll do if it happens again.

You're not alone with this. And you're not wrong for taking it seriously. 🤍