Am I Wrong for Expecting Good Development From My Baby?”

Let’s talk about this:

Let me start with this question first: Is it wrong, as a mother, to have expectations and want to see good development in your child?

And before that—are there any households like mine, where the husband’s involvement in raising the baby is quite low, and he uses the reason that “the wife should be the leader, and he will be the follower,” and that he “gives her the right to decide”?

(In this case, the wife is the one who handles all expenses related to the baby, manages the shared family finances, and also does the “research and sourcing” - finding, recommending, and planning every method to stimulate the baby’s development.)

Then one day, this wife—who is constantly thinking, doing, buying everything, and recommending various methods because she believes it’s good for the baby, using modern ideas and mainly doctor-based guidance—ends up being labeled as someone who is too strict, who forces everyone in the house, who buys each item without ever asking anyone else’s opinion, and who is overly picky toward the caregivers.

Right now, the baby is already 4–5 months old. We argue and debate very often because our opinions don’t match at all. And the husband also doesn’t really agree in the same direction. He trusts the “experienced hands” of the elders who have raised children before more than he trusts these newer approaches. But there are some things in the way the baby is being raised that don’t sit right with me. And I can’t directly point them out—because every time I do, it becomes a big issue.

I’m extremely tired of the atmosphere in the house. Sometimes when I look at my baby, I feel sorry for my baby. But sometimes I just can’t take it anymore—I have to say something and argue a bit. How do other families handle this kind of problem? Please share and recommend.

Deep down, I want to quit my job and raise my baby myself, but I’m stuck because my husband doesn’t have the capacity to fully take care of and support the family at that level. I’m very stressed.

---

Here’s how I see it:

I’m going to tell this like we’re sitting and talking for a long time in a room that’s quieter than usual… a room where the soft breathing of a 4–5 month old baby becomes the background rhythm, and the noise inside your head is louder than everything else.

You asked, “Is it wrong?”—as a mother—to expect and want to see good development in your child.
I’ll answer you directly from the first sentence: No, it’s not wrong.
It’s not greed. It’s not meaningless nitpicking. It’s the instinct of a mother who knows that this time matters, and you don’t want your child to grow up in a way that makes you sit there later thinking, “If only I had done more.”

But… being “not wrong” in your intention does not guarantee that the way you do it won’t set the house on fire.

And right now your house is on fire—not because you love your child too much, but because you’ve become the only person carrying:

• being a mother,

• being the project manager,

• being the anxious one,

• being the money manager,

• being the communicator,

• and being the one who clashes with elders,

while the system in your home seems to say:
“If you want your baby to be okay, you have to pay with the mother’s mental health.”

And… that’s not a fair deal at all.

1) You’re not “expecting too much.” You’re simply in a position where no one helps you think—and then everyone blames you as the problem.

From what you wrote, I can see this household structure very clearly:

• Your husband participates very little, and he uses the reason: “Let my wife be the leader; I’ll be the follower.”
  On the surface it sounds respectful, but in reality… it’s a beautifully packaged sentence that often means “I don’t want responsibility.”Because if he doesn’t decide, doesn’t invest, and doesn’t carry weight—then if things go well, he’s still a “good man” because he “gave you the right.”
  If things go badly, he still has an escape route: “I told you—let the elders raise the baby.”

• You handle all baby-related expenses, shared finances, research, planning, buying, designing activities, and developmental stimulation.
  You’re not “just a mom.” You’re R&D + Procurement + Finance + Quality Control (QC).

• Grandparents are the caregivers.
  They have experience and faith in the old way.
  You have updated information and a strong feeling that “some things are not okay.”
  So the house becomes a collision point of two worlds: experience-based vs doctor/evidence-based.

And the result is… everyone looks at you and says:

• “You’re too strict.”

• “You’re forcing everyone.”

• “You buy things without asking anyone.”

• “You’re picky with the caregivers.”

Here’s the truth I want you to see without making it hurt more than necessary:
You’re not strict by nature—you’re strict because you’re in an environment that doesn’t make you feel safe.
People control more when they feel: “If I don’t control it, it will collapse.”

It’s like you were thrown onto a stage to perform alone, while the audience keeps criticizing: “Why do you look so stressed? Why aren’t you enjoying it?”
…Well, because I’m doing it alone.

2) A 4–5 month old baby: this is the stage where “mother hormones” and “house pressure” combine into a boss fight.

First, you need to know this:

For many mothers, the 4–5 month postpartum stage is a period where you can become:

• emotionally sensitive,

• easily irritated,

• able to cry for no obvious reason,

• extremely reactive to criticism,

because of:

• lack of sleep, not enough rest,

• hormonal shifts,

• heavy responsibility,

• hidden guilt (“Am I a good enough mother?”),

• future fear (“If I mess up now, what happens to my child?”),

• loneliness (“Why am I fighting alone?”).

So if you feel “sick of the atmosphere in the house” to the point where some days you can’t take it—
that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
It means the system in the house is draining you.

But… (and here’s the gentle reality-check)
exhaustion makes capable people become rigid.
Rigidity makes everyone else raise their defenses.
When they raise defenses, you become even more rigid.
That’s the cycle that turns a home into a cold war—not a home raising a baby.

3) The real issue isn’t “Should we stimulate development?” The real issue is “Who has decision power?” and “Who carries responsibility for outcomes?”

You’re trapped in a very common parental trap:

• You carry the financial responsibility and the research and the planning,

• but you don’t have full authority to control the caregiving method—because the actual caregivers are the grandparents,

• your husband doesn’t stand with you clearly, and leans toward the elders,

• when you speak up, you become the “villain,” because you touch the pride of the elders.

In simple terms:

You are responsible, but you are not allowed to control.
That combination is one of the most rage-inducing things in the world.

It pushes you into “I’ll buy it myself, I’ll decide myself,” because you feel:

If I wait for everyone’s agreement, my baby grows every day.

But when you do it yourself, everyone says, “You never consult anyone.”

Yes—this is an extremely difficult loop to “win.”

4) Do you have flaws? A little—like many serious, high-effort mothers do.

I’ll say it without stabbing you, but clearly.

Flaw #1: You may accidentally turn “doctor-based methods” into “religious law.”
You said your modern approach is mainly doctor-based. That’s good—baby care is not the place for random beliefs.

But mothers who read a lot sometimes use that information like a hammer, and speak with a tone like:

• “That’s wrong.”

• “That’s dangerous.”

• “It must be done this way only.”

Then elders raised on experience feel:
“I raised children before. Are you saying I was wrong?”

They don’t fight your data. They fight your attack on their dignity.

Flaw #2: You may interpret “disagreement” as “they don’t love the baby.”
When stressed, we think in black-and-white.
If someone doesn’t follow your plan, you feel they don’t care.

But in reality, some people love the baby deeply—they’re just afraid of change or don’t understand new methods.

Flaw #3: You may be buying things to buy control and reassurance.
This may hit a nerve, and it’s not “bad.”
When you feel you can’t control anything, buying tools and methods creates the feeling: “I’m doing something to protect my baby.”

But if it becomes excessive, others feel: “She doesn’t trust us,” or “She never asks us.”
Then the war becomes about power, not the baby.

You don’t have to stop buying everything. You just need more structure and transparency.

5) About your husband—straight talk: “Leader-follower” can be a pretty phrase for dodging work.

He says: “Let my wife lead; I’ll follow.”

If he truly meant respect, he would do two things at the same time:

• support you clearly in front of others,

• take responsibility for his own role in the childcare system.

But from what you wrote, he isn’t doing that.
He lets you be the leader—only when there’s thinking, deciding, effort, exhaustion.
Then he uses his “right not to follow” when he dislikes your direction.
And he chooses the elders’ way over yours.

That’s not “a follower.”
That’s someone who doesn’t want to be blamed, so he stands safely in the middle.

Bad news:
The “middle” in a house with a newborn usually breaks the mother—because the mother absorbs every collision alone.

6) Are the grandparents wrong?

Most of the time, not in an evil-intent way.
They do it with love and with faith: “We’ve always done it this way; kids grew up fine.”

The problem is: the world changed.
Knowledge about baby safety changed.
Standards on sleep, feeding, development, and risk reduction (like SIDS prevention) changed.
But many elders still rely on memory: “Nothing happened back then.”

So you need to accept two truths at the same time:

• You can’t “update grandparents” through criticism.

• You can set a few non-negotiable boundaries even if they dislike it.

A home that functions needs Red Rules (non-negotiables) and Yellow Rules (flexible).

7) A practical solution: set “5 Red Rules,” then make everyone sign emotionally (no paper needed)

Red Rules are: if they aren’t followed, you won’t accept it—because it’s real risk, real health impact.
And they must be backed by evidence/doctor guidance, not personal preference.

Examples of Red Rules (adjust to your home):

• Safe sleep (sleep position / items on the mattress / blankets / pillows / stuffed toys, etc.)

• Age-appropriate feeding/liquids (4–5 months has clear cautions)

• Handling safety (no risky shaking, rough movement, unsafe holding)

• Hygiene (wash hands before touching baby / sick people don’t hold baby)

• Danger signs (if certain symptoms appear, go see a doctor—no arguing)

Yellow Rules are flexible things: activity order, some toys, certain play styles that aren’t risky.

Why separate them?
Because if you try to control everything, you will burn out and people will resist you harder.
But if you control only what truly matters, others begin to accept: “She’s serious because it’s important.”

8) How to speak to elders without starting a war: shift from “ordering” to “requesting help”

Modern moms often lose because they sound like they’re training employees.
Elders immediately resist.

Try changing the structure:

Instead of: “Don’t do that. It’s wrong.”
Say: “The doctor said this can be risky. I’m really worried. Please help me follow this—so I can feel safe and raise the baby well.”

Instead of: “Why won’t you do what I said?”
Say: “I’m really stressed because I’m the mother and I’m responsible. If we can do this, I’ll feel so much lighter—and I’ll truly appreciate it.”

Many elders don’t lose to information. They lose to the tone that says: “You’re not competent.”

9) The key lock: your husband must be a shield, not a spectator

This is the core. If you can’t fix this, the house will keep looping forever.

Your husband must do three jobs:

1. He communicates with his parents.
It’s his child and his parents. He should speak—not force you to clash.
Otherwise you become “an outsider who orders his household.”

2. He chooses a side on Red Rules.
He doesn’t have to side with you on everything, but on safety and doctor-backed rules, he must be clear.

3. He owns 1–2 childcare tasks consistently.
Not “help sometimes.” Not “when I feel like it.”
Real ownership: bathing baby / bedtime routine / tummy time / organizing baby supplies—anything.
So he connects with the baby and understands the reality.

If he doesn’t, you remain “the mother fighting alone,” and one day you will explode.

10) The conversation you should have with your husband (sharp, not dramatic)

Talk when the baby is asleep, not after a fight.

Say something like:

“I know you want me to decide and you don’t want to argue. But it’s not just about decision-making anymore. I’m carrying everything—and I’m the only one clashing with the elders. I’m exhausted, and I’m losing my ability to feel happy in this home.

I don’t need you to be the boss. I need you to be a teammate. I’m asking for three things:

• On the baby’s safety rules, you stand with me.

• You talk to your parents about the Red Rules.

• You take ownership of 1–2 childcare tasks consistently.

If you don’t, I will break, and then our relationship will break too. I’m being serious, not threatening.”

That’s not forcing. That’s telling the system’s truth.

11) Quitting your job: don’t decide while exhausted

You want to quit to raise your baby yourself because you feel “others aren’t meeting the standard I can accept.”

But you’re blocked by reality: your husband can’t carry the family financially at that level.

Here’s the gentle warning:

Don’t put your long-term financial security into the hands of someone who still isn’t taking full responsibility for the family system.
Because if you quit, your income drops, your leverage drops—and you may become trapped in this household even harder.

Safer alternatives, in order:

• adjust work format (reduced hours / flexible / hybrid) if possible

• hire help for certain hours instead of quitting completely

• plan quitting only with savings + a return-to-work plan

• if quitting for real, then the home must have clear agreements: your husband’s added responsibilities + your personal budget clearly protected

Because moms who quit from stress often become more exhausted—not more relieved.

12) Why you fight so much: you’re trying to fix “childcare,” but the real problem is “power structure”

You and your husband disagree.

He trusts elders.

You trust doctors/evidence.

You can’t speak directly without it becoming drama.

This is a structure problem, not a data problem.

If the structure stays like this:

• caregivers = elders

• payer/researcher = you

• “decision-maker in name” = you

• real supporter = none

• collision absorber = you

Then fights will happen—no matter how gently you speak or how little you buy.

The better structure is:

• elders help, but the core standards come from the baby’s parents

• husband communicates with elders

• you set the Red Rules

• everyone knows: repeated Red Rule violations = the system changes (less babysitting time, new arrangement)

13) How to stop being labeled “picky” without losing your role as the mother

You said you can’t correct directly because it becomes a big issue.
So stop correcting “one incident at a time,” and make it a system.

Create a one-page “Our Home Guide” (it doesn’t have to look official):

• rough sleep/feeding/bath routine

• 5 Red Rules

• 2–3 development activities you want done

• things you don’t want done

Then say:

“I’m not trying to order anyone. I’m just making it clear so we don’t argue every day. If something is adjustable we can talk, but the Red Rules—please help me follow them.”

This reduces constant “catching mistakes,” which is the thing that makes everyone hate it—and drains you.

14) Back to your first question: “Is it wrong to expect good development?”

No, it’s not wrong at all.

But I want you to expect two developments at the same time:

• your baby’s development,

• and the development of the household system.

Because your baby will grow.
But if the home system stays like this, when the baby is 1, 2, 3 years old—the conflict will intensify.
And the mother will collapse first.

And I want to whisper one more gentle truth that saves many mothers:
Sometimes a mom chasing “the best possible” outcomes can accidentally create a home full of tension.

A baby doesn’t need a perfect home.

A baby needs a home where adults communicate well—and where the mother doesn’t break.

You don’t have to be the mother who is correct about every single detail.
You have to be the mother who survives and still has love-energy for the baby every day.

15) A real action plan you can start immediately

Within 7 days

• Write 5 Red Rules + Yellow Rules

• Have a serious 30–45 minute talk with your husband

• Assign 1–2 childcare tasks that your husband owns

• Your husband talks to the elders about the Red Rules (he must do it)

Within 30 days

• Reduce what you try to control to only Red Rules

• Track outcomes without sarcasm

• If Red Rules are violated repeatedly: reduce reliance on elder caregiving or change the arrangement (this is real boundary-setting)

Within 60–90 days

Evaluate:

• Is your husband more of a teammate?

• Do the elders respect Red Rules?

• Is the home calmer?

• Are you happier as a mother?

If everything is still the same, then you’ll need bigger system changes: less dependence on elders, more direct parenting, hiring help part-time, or restructuring work.

16) The final sentence I want you to remember (because it saves many mothers)

You’re not wrong for wanting good things for your baby.

But you will get hurt badly if you try to be the only “right” person in the house.

You must shift the game from: “I must win every issue,” to: “We must build a system that doesn’t destroy the mother.”

And the first person who must be pulled into that system is the baby’s father—not the father’s mother.

---

💞💞💞

new mom stress, postpartum conflict, parenting disagreement, husband not involved, childcare by grandparents, mother mental load, evidence-based parenting, doctor recommended practices, child development stimulation, parenting boundaries, family power dynamics, red rules yellow rules, safe sleep rules, 4-5 month baby care, marital arguments after baby, emotional burnout, maternal anxiety, co-parenting teamwork, husband as mediator, grandparents interference, household decision authority, parenting communication strategies, quitting job to raise baby, financial dependency risk, childcare system design, parenting conflict resolution, mother burnout prevention, family roles and responsibilities