Boyfriend secretly stalks his ex and the “type” of women he likes

Let’s talk about this:

Hi everyone. Today I want to ask for advice about my boyfriend. It’s a bit long, but I’ve been thinking about what to do for a long time. Personally, I don’t know who to talk to in real life, so I’m asking people on Pantip for help.

Let me give some background first: My boyfriend and I have been together for 5–6 years. In the beginning, I never tried to “catch” him, and I never touched his phone at all. But one day I had to use his phone, and I ended up tapping into things. I saw that he had been liking posts of other women and also his ex-girlfriends.

I told him, “I’m not okay with this,” and after that I didn’t check again. Months passed. Then I had to use his phone again—and when I went in, I found it again. I was hurt, like… why did we talk about it, but he still does it? So I talked to him again: “I saw it again. Are you still liking their posts?”

That’s when the suspicion started. At first it wasn’t frequent, and I thought, “He got caught already. He probably won’t do it again.” But then one day we fought. At that time we had been together about 2 years, almost 3 years. I caught him searching for his ex to go stalk her profile, so I checked who she was. She turned out to be his first girlfriend—the one who had left him—and also the one he loved very much.

I felt extremely hurt. I started questioning myself: Or does he still not forget his ex? After we made up, I talked to him directly again. I told him I found it and asked him to stop because I felt very hurt and not okay. He promised he wouldn’t do it.

But throughout our relationship, I’ve caught him about 4–5 times. So I told him, “Then maybe we should break up.” My boyfriend said he felt sorry for what he did and asked to get back together. I admit I was soft-hearted at that time. I felt like he could improve. So I talked to him and said: this would be the last time I ever bring up this woman. There would be no more stalking, no involvement with her. If I caught it again, I would break up immediately.

After that, we fought occasionally about similar things—about women he likes. He would go look at women who are exactly his “type,” and their body type is the complete opposite of mine. And he would keep stalking—whether at work, or even when his father was sick and he stayed at the hospital to take care of him, he still stalked women. I kept catching it. I caught him around 10–20 times because of all the suspicion built up from everything in the past.

But it became like: when I caught him, it didn’t make him improve—he improved how to hide it more smoothly.

Then around the beginning of last month, I took his phone to order food. A health/clock app notification popped up, so I tapped it just to look around. Turns out, inside that thing my boyfriend had downloaded apps in there—like TikTok and Instagram—that I never thought he would have. And when I tapped in, I found he was stalking his ex like crazy, and also stalking women he likes just like before—many, many women, as many as one man could possibly look at.

I confronted him directly and we fought again. He said he didn’t do anything—he just “looked,” he didn’t sleep with anyone or anything.

Now it’s been almost 1 month, and we haven’t talked at all. We’re silent with each other, but we still live together. He doesn’t seem to care. He still goes out to play snooker with his friends, drinks alcohol like normal. So I started feeling like, “Okay, I have to live my own life too.” I went out to see friends and slept over at my friend’s place.

And I feel like we shouldn’t continue living like this anymore. Then one day he came back late at night just to sleep, like usual. I got irritated and said something like, “Why are you coming back? If you’re going out then just go.” He stayed silent.

P.S. One time I saw that he searched on Pantip: “My girlfriend likes to catch me / I feel suffocated—what should I do?” I don’t know if I’m being too childish, or what I should do next. Everyone can speak neutrally—please. I will listen to every opinion.

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Here’s how I see it:

Okay. I’m going to say this like “a friend who listened to the whole thing and is now telling you the truth—so you don’t keep walking into the same wall.”

From what you described, if we strip the emotions away and keep only the core facts, this is no longer a small “my boyfriend checks his ex sometimes” issue. This is a repeated pattern of a man who chooses to stay with you—but does not choose to stop a behavior that makes you feel devalued. And the relationship has basically turned into a system powered by:

suspicion → catching him → apologies → forgiveness → better hiding → repeat

It loops like a washing machine that forgot to include an “off” button.

And what’s painful is… you didn’t get hurt once. You got hurt in accumulation. 

To the point where it’s no longer only that you don’t trust him—you’re starting to not trust yourself:

“Am I being stupid?”

“Am I tolerating too much?”

“Am I wrong for feeling this way?”

Even though your feelings aren’t imagination. They’re built on repeated evidence you saw with your own eyes.

I’ll walk you through this in clear chapters—like a story—but I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I’m going to make it eye-opening.

1) The unfiltered reality: this is not “just looking” anymore.

He says, “I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking.”
That sentence is the greatest hit of people who want to preserve their self-image as “I didn’t do a big wrong thing,” while also refusing to stop the behavior that hurts their partner.

Here’s the key point: relationships don’t only collapse because someone physically cheats. 

They can collapse because of repeated actions that communicate: “I don’t respect you enough to stop.”

Let me translate his behaviors into blunt relationship language:

• Liking women/exes → sending signals / feeding himself the feeling of “I still have options.”

• Periodically searching and stalking his ex → still attached to an old image, or feeding unresolved emotional residue.

• Stalking women who match his “type,” with bodies opposite to yours → chasing dopamine, while letting his current partner carry the side effects.

• Doing it even while his father is sick and he’s at the hospital → this matters a lot, because it signals this is not a one-time slip. It’s a self-soothing habit he uses when stressed/bored/empty/avoiding feelings.

• Hiding apps inside a health/clock app → this crosses the line from “oops” into intentional concealment.

Do you know what “intentional concealment” means in the language of love?

It means:

He knows it hurts you.

He knows you’re not okay with it.

But he chooses to do it anyway.

And then he chooses to build a system so you can’t catch him.

This is not “a small thing” anymore. This is a structural integrity problem—honesty at the foundation.

2) The common mistake: you’re arguing with the “symptom,” when the real issue is the “choice.”

You tried talking. You tried warning. You tried giving chances. You tried deadlines.
And each time it ends with: “He apologizes / promises / you soften.”

In romance-story terms, it sounds like people trying to save love.
In system terms, it looks like:

You are being the relationship police.

He is being the loophole hunter.

When you catch him, he doesn’t adjust to respect you.
He adjusts to hide better.

This is where the damage becomes quiet but deep:
You start thinking you need to become more skilled at catching him to feel safe.
And the answer is… you will never feel safe if the person living with you is committed to dodging the camera.

A healthy relationship should not require spy-level skill sets.

3) I’ll say this firmly but gently: you’re not stupid—yet the system is training him to succeed at this.

Read first—don’t get angry yet.
I’m not saying it’s your fault that he does it.

I’m saying the current system teaches him:

“Go ahead. If I get caught, I’ll apologize—and I’ll still get her back.”

Because every time you say, “If I catch you again, I’ll leave,” and then you don’t leave,
your boundary turns into a threat with no cost.
The listener isn’t afraid—he’s just waiting for the next moment you soften again.

This truth hurts—but if you refuse to look at it, you can loop like this for another 5 years with the same face, same story, and a worse version of yourself.

The question isn’t “Am I childish?”

The questions are:

• What standard of love am I accepting?

• Am I with someone who values me—or someone who uses me as a safe base?

• Am I trying to win the heart of someone who wants to consume more than they want to love?

Honestly, from your story… he sounds like someone who wants to “have a girlfriend” as his home base, but also wants “windows to stare at other women” nonstop.

And when you don’t allow the window, he doesn’t close it.

He drills a hole in the back wall.

4) Why does he do it? (So you see the mechanism—not to excuse him.)

There are multiple reasons men do this, and sometimes they stack:

4.1 Dopamine snacking (cheap excitement)

Stalking/scrolling/looking at attractive “types” = fast dopamine.
No investment. No responsibility. No risk of rejection.
Just scroll and get the feeling: “I still have choices,” or “something still makes my heart race.”

4.2 Ego and self-validation

Sometimes it’s not that he still loves the ex.
It’s that the ex is a mirror that makes him feel: “I once had someone like that.”
If she was the first girlfriend who left him, that’s an ego wound he keeps scratching—not because he wants her back, but because he wants to feel like he’s “not the one who lost.”

4.3 Categorizing women instead of respecting humans

Stalking “types,” collecting profiles—it’s closer to content consumption than human respect.
If he’s in this loop, he starts viewing relationships like:

“I should get everything.”

Girlfriend = comfort.
Women on screen = excitement.
Ex = unresolved nostalgia.
And he wants all of it at once—without paying the price of losing you.

4.4 The most important reason: because he has decided it’s worth it.

Even if any reason above is true, it comes back to one word:
choice.

Someone who truly loves and respects you—when they feel the urge—manages themselves.

They don’t engineer better hiding systems.

5) The more important question: why are you still here?

I’m guessing: in these 5–6 years, you didn’t stay because you don’t realize it’s bad.
You stayed because at least some of the time, he’s a boyfriend who is “usable.”
Daily life functions. Shared routines. Shared memories. Familiarity.

And “leaving” is scary because you’re not leaving just a man—you’re leaving the life you built together.

But here’s the blunt truth:

Familiarity is not love.

And “I already invested so much” is not a reason to keep investing in a company that’s cooking the books.

(Sorry. Corporate mode slipped in. But it’s an accurate dashboard.)

6) The current situation: 1 month of silence, and he’s still out playing snooker and drinking like normal.

This is a red flag many people ignore because they’re used to being hurt.

If he knows you’re in pain and the relationship is close to collapse, someone who truly cares usually:

• tries to talk,

• tries to repair,

• tries to find solutions,

• or at minimum shows anxiety about losing you.

But in your case… he lives like nothing happened.

That translates into two possible realities:

• He assumes you’ll come back anyway (because you did before).

• Or he isn’t afraid of losing you enough.

Either way, that’s not where you should be positioned.
You shouldn’t have to play “guaranteed option” just to receive occasional scraps of attention.

7) “You checked his phone” vs. “He posted that he feels suffocated because you catch him.”

Fairness check: yes, checking someone’s phone without an agreement is also a boundary violation.
But in your case, it’s driven by the insecurity he created repeatedly, until you started searching for proof just to emotionally survive.

The problem is: once this starts, it becomes addictive.

The more you check, the more you find, the more you hurt, the more you check.

Eventually you’re not a girlfriend—you’re a detective whose salary is anxiety.

And yes… he will feel “suffocated,” because nobody enjoys being caught doing something they know they shouldn’t do.
His “suffocation” may not mean you’re terrible.
It may mean he wants to keep doing it without consequences.

This is where people mess up:

When the other person says, “You’re so controlling / you keep catching me,” we feel guilty and lower our standards.

But the standard that should be questioned is:

“Why do I have to catch him this much?”

Answer: because he’s not trustworthy.

8) Direct answer: you’re not childish. You’re exhausted—and you’re losing faith.

Your feelings are extremely reasonable.

When someone gets hit repeatedly, three things often show up:

• Hypervigilance — always scanning, the brain never rests.

• Self-doubt — blaming yourself as “too much,” even when the damage is real.

• Emotional numbness — you can live together, but you stop feeling, because your heart shuts down to survive.

You’re already entering #3: living together but not speaking.
You started going to friends’ places to get air back.

That’s a sign your heart is already walking out.

Only your body is still in the same house.

9) What should you do next? Two clear paths (choose based on reality, not hope)

I’m not going to do the lazy comment-section thing and shout “BREAK UP NOW!!!”
But I will say: if you stay, you must change the system—not just the mood.

Path A: If you continue (but with measurable, real conditions)

What must happen is not promises—it’s measurable behavior change plus active cooperation.

A1) Have a formal conversation, not a fight-conversation.

Pick a time when he’s not drunk, not sleepy, not rushing.
Goal: Are we continuing or ending?

A2) State the problem in one clear sentence.

Don’t list every incident. That becomes drama. The core is:
“I don’t feel safe or respected because you repeatedly stalk/hide/cover it up even after I told you it hurts.”

A3) Set boundaries, not 24/7 policing rules.

Boundaries are what you control (your decisions), not controlling him minute-by-minute.

Example:

“If we continue, we need a new agreement about transparency and honesty.”

“If you hide apps/accounts again, I will leave this relationship—for real.”

And “for real” must be real.

A4) Ask for concrete actions.

Examples:

• Delete hidden apps/accounts used for secret stalking.

• Social media agreement: liking exes / women that are a known conflict = stop.

• If he says “You can’t look,” then you need an alternative agreement that builds transparency without turning you into a cop.

Most important: he must propose part of the solution.
If you design the entire system alone, he’ll just route around it.

A5) Accountability is non-negotiable.

Therapy (individual or couples) or at least a real plan for what he does when the urge hits.
If it’s a dopamine habit, promises are weak against compulsions.

A6) Set a trial period.

60–90 days.
Evaluate behavior, not speeches.

If during that period he:

• blames you (“you’re overthinking”),

• attacks your boundaries,

• plays victim (“I can’t do anything”),

• or returns to hiding,

then he’s not protecting the relationship—he’s protecting his right to do whatever he wants.

Then go Path B.

Path B: If you end it (end it without leaving your dignity under the rug)

If the reality is he won’t change and you’re out of energy, ending isn’t failure—it’s stopping the bleeding.

Do it as a plan, not as a rage-escape—because rage-breakups often loop back.

B1) Separate emotions from logistics.

Housing, expenses, belongings, safety.
Who moves out? Who stays? Clarify before the breakup talk.

B2) End it with a sentence that closes negotiation.

“I tried many times and it didn’t change. I don’t want a relationship where I have to be suspicious and feel devalued. We’re done.”

Do not reopen the “one more chance” theater.
He’s already good at that.

B3) Cut the channels that trigger softening.

You don’t have to be enemies, but you must protect yourself.
If you break up but still live together, sleep in the same house, watch him go play snooker—your brain will get confused and drag you back into the loop.

B4) Expect withdrawal.

You’ll miss him—not necessarily because he’s amazing, but because your brain is addicted to familiarity + hope.
You’ll have days where you think, “Maybe I overreacted.”
On that day, reread your own story: what you caught, how many times, how far the hiding went.

10) Things you need to hear plainly

• Wanting respect is not asking for too much.

• Repeated stalking + hidden apps is a form of lying.

• If he wanted to change, he wouldn’t wait until you caught him the 20th time.

• You don’t have to compete with an ex or his “type.” This isn’t a pageant; it’s real life.

• A love that turns you into a detective isn’t love—it’s a war zone with no rest.

11) A quiet wake-up call (since you said people can speak bluntly)

You asked, “Am I childish?”

Here’s my answer:

You’re not childish. You’re just too kind to someone who doesn’t protect your heart.
And you’re trying to use “patience” to fix a habit he doesn’t want to quit.

What you must watch out for: if you stay like this,

you won’t only lose time—

you’ll lose your self-image, piece by piece.

Today you cry because he stalks women.
Tomorrow you may start thinking, “I’m not good enough.”
Next you may start changing your body, your clothes, trying to become someone else just so he stops scrolling.

And then you’ll get lost and forget:

“I should be loved without proving my worth every day.”

A man who truly loves you doesn’t make you feel like you’re a contestant trying to win.
He makes you feel like you are chosen—and he’s proud of that choice.

Right now, he isn’t doing that.

12) A practical conversation script (story voice, but usable)

One night, choose a quiet time and say:

“We’ve been together 5–6 years. We’ve been through a lot.

But one thing keeps breaking me: you stalking your ex, stalking women you like, and hiding it.

I don’t want to be someone who catches you. I don’t like myself in this version.

But I became this way because I don’t feel safe with you.

I’m not here to fight today. I’m here to ask directly:
Do you truly want to protect this relationship?
Because if you do, we need a new agreement that’s real—and you must take responsibility for changing.
But if you just want me to be quiet while you keep living the same way… I can’t stay anymore.”

Then stop. Let him answer.

Don’t rush to explain. Don’t rush to cry to make him feel sorry (if you can help it).

Because men like this are sometimes very skilled at using your emotion as an exit door from accountability.

If he responds like this, translate it immediately:

• “I’m just looking. You’re overthinking.”
  → He refuses to accept that it hurts you = low chance of change.

• “You’re the one who keeps catching me.”
  → Blame-shifting = not ready to take responsibility.

• “Okay okay, I won’t do it.” (no plan, no details)
  → He wants the issue to end, not the behavior.

• “Let’s fix this seriously.” (with proposals, plan, real sacrifice)
  → This is the only version worth considering.

13) Final answer, friend-to-friend: what should you do?

If I summarize without fairy tales:

• Stop playing detective. It burns your life, and he will just become smoother.

• Have one last system-level conversation, not a sulking conversation.

• Set boundaries with real consequences—and if they’re violated, follow through.

• Watch actions for 60–90 days, then decide.

• If he won’t cooperate: end it, and end it with a plan.

You asked, “Am I childish?”

My answer: no.

But if you stay while it’s crystal clear he doesn’t respect you—and you keep doing the same cycle every time… that’s not childish. That’s trading dignity for familiarity.

And that’s a very expensive deal. The interest charges daily.

If you want help next, I can do two things immediately:

1. Draft a clear “continue relationship agreement” in bullet points that isn’t controlling him—it's protecting your life.
   
   
2. Or map out an “exit plan” based on your real situation (whose house, whose money, belongings, work, etc.) so you don’t get pulled back into the loop.

But first—hold onto this line:

Someone who loves you does not make you spend your life-force proving you are “worthy.”
And if he still wants to consume other women’s worlds without stopping, he can do that—just do it in the only appropriate status: single.

💓💓💓

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