“My Husband Is Useless… Am I Cruel If I Leave?”

Let’s talk about this:

My husband is over 40. He doesn’t have a full-time job. His family has a fairly good financial background, but he himself only earns some general freelance income. He can take care of me to a certain extent - for example, he buys food for me every day, one meal a day, which is dinner. But when it comes to traveling or eating out, he likes to set tight spending limits—he tends to restrict the budget whenever we go out to eat or travel.

I have my own income. Most of the time, I cover my personal expenses myself. I don’t want to be a burden because he doesn’t have a job. I don’t ask him for money because he doesn’t have regular work.

But if we cut money out of the picture, my husband has a habit of not caring about anything. He plays games all day and sleeps all day. If he doesn’t want to do something, he simply won’t do it. He only does something when he wants to. His brain is focused only on games. His thoughts and words tend to be negative all the time - like he’s the adult and he knows everything. I’m over 30.

When I talk, he often blames himself and says he’s poor, that he can’t spend money freely, that he doesn’t have as much money as before. But the point is: I’m not asking him to spend money freely. I want him to improve himself. If he’s not working, then at least don’t wear me down. Don’t be negative. But when I remind him, it becomes “I’m boring,” while my husband still doesn’t care about anything at all.

Am I cruel for deciding to separate? Because he says that he’s taken care of me all along. He says, “You have food to eat, you have a house to live in—aren’t you satisfied? Have you ever lived in a house this big in your life?” We already decided to separate once before, and he said he would improve himself, but in the end it was the same again.

This post is just for venting, that’s all. ☺️

Here’s how I see it:

Okay… this isn’t just “my husband is useless” in a vent-and-move-on way. This is a marriage system that’s quietly collapsing, and you’re standing at the point where if you don’t make a clear decision, you’ll keep losing time, emotional energy, and self-respect—without even realizing it.

I’m going to talk to you like a friend giving advice: no hype, no floating comfort lines. And I’m also going to reality-check you directly about the areas you need to watch too—because relationships like this often make a decent person look “cruel” in the other partner’s story, even when they’re just trying to survive.

Let me describe it like we’re sitting and talking for a long time in the quiet behind the house, with a soft fan sound, and you’re trying not to cry because you feel guilty even though you’re completely exhausted.

1) I can see your life clearly: a big house, dinner, and a room so quiet you can hear the game sounds.

You said he’s over 40, has no full-time job, and comes from a family with a fairly good financial base. He has some general freelance income—“enough to take care of you at a certain level.”
That sentence hurts in a way only adults understand.

What does “take care of you at a certain level” mean in real life?

It means… you wake up, you do your part, you earn your money, you manage your life.
He stays in the house—a house big enough that the silence makes the lack of attention feel twice as loud.

He buys you food once a day - dinner.
Should you be grateful? Yes.
But here’s the real question: is that meal love, or is it rent for your endurance?

And when you go out to eat or travel, he restricts the budget.
The problem isn’t that budgeting is “wrong” (financial discipline isn’t wrong at all).

The problem is the vibe that often comes with it:

• “I’m poor now, so don’t be demanding.”

• “I used to be able to give more, but I can’t now.”

• “What more do you want? Isn’t this enough?”

That’s not budgeting. That’s pushing guilt onto you so you’ll stop wanting anything beyond “basic survival.”

You said you have your own income and you mostly cover your personal expenses. You don’t want to rely on him because he doesn’t work.
That’s a strong sign you have self-respect and self-control.
You’re not exploiting him. You’re not demanding beyond reality.
You simply want a life partner, not a person who drains your life force a little more every day while living under the same roof.

2) The core problem isn’t money… it’s the attitude and behavior that drains the life out of you.

You said clearly: “If we cut money out.” He behaves like this:

• Plays games all day

• Sleeps all day

• If he doesn’t want to do something, he won’t do it

• He only does things when he feels like it

• His mind is locked onto games

• His words are consistently negative

• “I’m the adult, I know everything”

• When you remind him, you become “boring”

• He doesn’t care about anything at all

That isn’t “normal laziness.”
That’s stagnation + refusal to take responsibility for his own life + rejection of self-development.
And worse: it forces the person beside him to carry not only their own life, but also his emotional climate.

I’m going to say it bluntly:

A person can live with a partner who doesn’t have a full-time job—if that person still has goals, discipline, responsibility toward the home, responsibility toward the relationship, and a real sense of direction.
But it is extremely hard to live with someone who does nothing and smears negativity onto you while calling himself “the adult.”

A real adult is someone who takes responsibility for their life—not someone who says “I know everything” and then sleeps.

3) He uses the “I take care of you” script to shut you down.

What he says to you:

“I’ve taken care of you all along. You have food, you have a house—aren’t you satisfied? Have you ever lived in a house this big in your life?”

That’s the kind of sentence that makes the listener immediately doubt themselves.
And this is where I have to reality-check you strongly:

This is guilt-based control.

He’s not responding to what you need.

He’s changing the battlefield into: “Are you grateful enough?”

He’s not discussing the relationship. He’s discussing “debt” and “merit.”

A big house and dinner are resources.
What you’re asking for is teamwork, life drive, cooperation, positive energy, and growth.
Those are completely different categories.

Blunt truth:

If someone uses “the big house” as a weapon to press you down, it means he doesn’t want to be a partner—he wants to be the “owner of the house,” and you become the “person who must be satisfied.”

And you are not anyone’s property.

4) Are you cruel if you decide to separate?

Straight answer: No, you’re not cruel.
But—and this is important—you must look at two things:

• Are you leaving to “escape,” or leaving to “save your life”?

• Have you already given a chance in a structured way?

You said you already separated once. He promised he would improve himself, but in the end, it returned to the same pattern.
That detail matters a lot, because it shows:

He knows what needs to change—at least when he’s afraid of losing you.
But he doesn’t maintain new behavior once things feel “safe” again.

That’s a classic pattern of people who change to avoid being abandoned, not change because they actually want to grow.

So if it repeats, you’re not cruel. You’re simply no longer fooled by promises.

5) What you’re really carrying is emotional burden—not expenses.

Some people will hear this and say, “At least he gives you a home and food.”

But the person living it knows what really consumes you daily:

• Waking up next to someone with no passion

• Speaking and getting hit with “you’re boring”

• Reminding him and becoming the villain

• Hearing him use “I’m poor” as a shield against growth

• A whole day filled with only games and sleep

No matter how big the house is, it becomes a beautiful cage if the person inside has stopped growing.

A real home needs life energy—not just walls.

6) But I will reality-check you too: watch out for 3 traps people fall into when living with a partner like this.

Trap 1: You start becoming “a mother” instead of “a wife.”
When someone is passive, you slip into:

• reminding

• nagging

• pushing

• coaching

• trying to build his schedule

• trying to fix his life

Over time you get exhausted—and quiet contempt can grow.
He feels ordered, pressured, looked down on.
Eventually nobody wins.

Ask yourself honestly: lately, have you been speaking to him as adult-to-adult, or mother-to-child?
If there’s a lot of “mother tone,” it’s understandable—but you must see it, because it kills attraction for both sides.

Trap 2: You get stuck hoping he’ll become who he used to be.
You mentioned he had more money before. That can create a mental picture of “He used to be capable,” and you get attached to the past.

But the past doesn’t pay for your future pain.
What matters is: who he is now, and who he intends to become next.

Trap 3: You hesitate because you fear being judged as “money-hungry.”
Even though you’re not asking him to spoil you—you’re asking him not to destroy your spirit.
But when he repeatedly talks about being “poor,” it automatically makes you look greedy in the story.

Don’t fall for that game.

You’re not asking for money. You’re asking for responsibility and mindset.
Different thing entirely.

7) Why is he like this? (Understanding helps you decide sharply.)

I’m not diagnosing him, but from your description, there are four possible layers (they can overlap):

• Gaming as reality-escape: games reward fast, make him feel competent and in control; real life demands responsibility and effort

• Depressive / burnout pattern (anhedonia): sleeping all day, no drive, negative thinking, “I’m poor,” “life is bad”

• High ego + fragile core (fragile ego): “I’m the adult, I know everything,” but can’t tolerate feedback; calls you “boring” to protect himself

• Raised with enough family resources that urgency never developed: if you don’t need to struggle, you may never build drive; when your own situation declines, shame becomes a mask

The key point:

Even if the reason is any of the above, he must take responsibility for fixing it.
You can support him—but you cannot carry it for him.

8) If you give another chance, it must be a “conditional chance,” not a “pity chance.”

You already gave one chance and he reverted.
So if you offer another, the format must change—or you’ll just repeat the same loop and lose more time.

I recommend a clear 60–90 day project. Not to dominate him—so you can see the truth.

Project rules:

The goal is not “become rich.”

The goal is “return to being an adult who takes responsibility for life—and stops draining the relationship.”

Minimum conditions (measurable):

• Daily structure: a real wake/sleep routine (not perfect, but real)

• Work/skill development: at least 2–3 hours daily toward work or skill growth (not gaming)

• Gaming limits: for example, no more than 1–2 hours after responsibilities

• Mindset: stop using “I’m poor” as a weapon; replace it with “our budget is X, how do we plan?”

• Communication: once a week, a 30-minute adult conversation—no sarcasm, no insults, no guilt-tripping

And it must produce real outcomes—not “three good days” and then disappearance.

If he says, “You’re forcing me,” you can calmly say:

“I’m not forcing you. I’m stating the conditions for continuing, because the old pattern drains me. If you don’t want to do it, that’s okay. It simply means we’re incompatible in how we live.”

That’s not a threat. That’s your boundary.

9) How to talk without turning it into war: use facts, not insults.

Do not open with “You’re useless.”
He’ll instantly defend—and he’ll crush you with the “big house / dinner” argument.

Open like this:

1. Observable reality

“Recently you’ve been gaming and sleeping a lot. Freelance work is low. When we talk, the tone is often negative.”

2. Impact on you

“It makes me feel like I’m living with someone with no drive, and I feel stressed, exhausted, and I’m starting to lose respect for the relationship.”

3. What you actually want

“I’m not asking you to make a lot of money. I’m asking for discipline, direction, and that we don’t wear each other down.”

4. Your condition

“If we continue, I want us to try a 60–90 day plan. If you’re not willing, or if we try and nothing really changes, I will decide to separate.”

That’s adult language—not “nagging wife” language. And it’s clear enough that he understands this isn’t just a mood.

10) If he keeps using the “debt/gratitude” script to pressure you…

He may repeat:

“You have food and a house—aren’t you satisfied?”

You can respond without fighting:

“Thank you for providing the home and the meals. I see that value. But for me, a relationship isn’t only having a place to live and food to eat. I want a life partner who grows with me and supports me emotionally too. If you only want to provide a house and food, but you don’t want to change how you live, then I have to choose my future.”

That separates gratitude from your right to a good life.

11) Signs it’s time to stop (don’t wait until it gets worse)

Consider ending it if this keeps repeating:

• He promises but doesn’t act—and there’s no system

• He improves only when he fears losing you, then reverts

• He uses guilt instead of responsibility

• You’re losing respect for him (this is huge)

• You feel the house makes you smaller, not bigger

Relationships don’t truly die when there are problems.
They die when you lose faith that the other person will ever grow.

12) One more hard truth: separation is not “punishment,” and it doesn’t require a villain.

Sometimes separation is accepting:

“Our life patterns don’t match.”

“I refuse to spend my life pushing someone who doesn’t want to walk.”

You don’t need to wait for cheating, violence, or debt disasters.
Being worn down every day is already serious enough.

And you already tried once.
That means your inner voice has screamed loudly before—you just returned because of hope and pity.

Hope is allowed. But hope must be based on evidence, not words.

13) If you decide to separate—how to do it without collapsing and without repeating the loop

1. Don’t separate while furious.

Separate while calm, thinking clearly, and with a plan.

2. Prepare logistics:

housing, expenses, assets/accounts/documents, work and life flow after separation.

3. Write down 3 core reasons.

So you don’t go back because of sweet talk.
People like this can be great at “begging for another chance,” but not great at sustained action.

4. Set a clear condition for any possible reunion:

If nothing changes, going back just repeats the same pain.

14) Final question: “Am I cruel?”

I’ll answer you like a blunt friend:

A cruel person is someone who stays when they no longer love, and slowly harms the other with coldness, contempt, and daily sarcasm.
But a person who accepts reality and ends things with dignity is not cruel.

You have the right to choose a life that doesn’t drain you.

You have the right to choose a partner who cooperates.

And you have the right not to spend your 30s hoping a 40+ man will “grow up” when he doesn’t want to grow.

Does it hurt? Yes.
But it’s better than hurting for 10 more years and asking yourself, “Why didn’t I leave back then?”

Summary (sharp and fair):

• You’re not separating because of money.

• You’re separating because you’re exhausted living with someone who refuses responsibility and wears you down with negativity.

• You already gave a chance once and he didn’t change.

• If you give another chance, it must be measurable and conditional.

• If he won’t cooperate, you’re not cruel for walking away—you’re protecting your life.

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💓

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