A conversation that I’m not part of.

Let’s talk about this:

Out of nowhere, my boyfriend of 5 years changed after starting his job (not even a year in).

I’d like to ask: if you were in this situation, what would you do next?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We’ve been together since high school, and now he’s already graduated from university while I’m currently in my 4th year.

Ours has always been a long-distance relationship from the beginning because we got into universities in different provinces. But we did our best to visit each other, take care of each other, and both families know about the relationship.

Then my boyfriend started working.

At first, he was very attached to me, always asking me to visit because he felt lonely. I went whenever I could.

But recently I’ve been busy with my thesis/research, so there was a full month where we didn’t see each other.

After a while, his behavior on social media started to change. He used to never use social media, except for chatting with his gaming group.

But lately he’s been posting pictures, posting songs, etc. In the past, he only did this when he was sulking with me and wanted me to come and coax him (I asked him directly before; he admitted that was why).

This time when I asked, he just said he “felt like using it.” I thought maybe he was trying to adjust and fit in with his coworkers.

But after a bit, he started going places without telling me. He’d act like nothing was going on unless I pressed him for details.

(For example: I’d have to ask something very specific like “Did you go see a movie?” for him to answer. If I just asked, “Where did you go today?” he’d say, “Didn’t go anywhere.”)

After that, there was this one girl who kept tagging him. Let’s call her “A.”

From his posts, they’re always doing activities together. Weekday dinners (Mon–Fri), weekends (Sat–Sun) — he’s always out with A. Though yes, they go in a group.

When I pressed him about it, he got upset. It escalated to him saying that I’m the one who changed, and he brought up every little thing like he was trying to force the conversation toward a breakup.

At that time, I ended up apologizing and placating him, because when I weighed a 5-year relationship against this one issue, it felt small in comparison.

But the fight was huge. It went on for 3–4 days, and I was completely mentally exhausted.

Afterward he took me to meet his coworkers — including A.

A has a boyfriend. They’ve been together for 7 years. Her boyfriend also works at the same company but in a different department.

But to me, the way my boyfriend and A behave is… micro cheating.

Whenever there’s an activity, my boyfriend always calls out to A.
If they play games together, he will always help A.

And A always goes along with whatever my boyfriend wants. If he wants to go somewhere, she’ll plan a trip and invite others to join. She likes talking about what they did together last time.

A’s boyfriend always goes along as well, but he’s very calm — acting like the “good boyfriend” (like me, honestly; when I tagged along, I just stayed quiet and well-behaved too).

There are many things about my boyfriend and A to the point that I dare say it’s micro cheating.

He cancelled dinner plans with me to go eat with A, using the excuse that “it’s better if we eat in a group.”

He asked me to cancel my ticket home because he wanted to go on a trip with A.

He took photos of A when she wasn’t looking.

And A? She doesn’t seem to care about her own boyfriend at all. She doesn’t post photos with her boyfriend, but she posts my boyfriend. She complains about her boyfriend to my boyfriend (he told me that himself).

All those activities — A is the one who proposes them, so my boyfriend can always use the excuse that he’s “just going because she invited him.”

If someone said it’s just coworkers looking out for each other, I could understand that.
But what they’re doing is basically just the two of them.

So I started playing a bit of a psychological war.

I made it clear that I was paying special attention to A.
If I knew they went somewhere together, I’d deliberately ask about A.

If A posted something related to my boyfriend, even if she didn’t tag him, I’d still like the post.

I wanted him to know: I see everything…
Whether it was really something or not, at that point I didn’t care.

After that, he stopped mentioning A.
He also stopped posting what he used to.
Even love songs that he used to share often — during that period, he would skip them, didn’t want to listen (love songs that clearly weren’t about me).

He got so nervous about me seeing his phone notifications that he would jump when it buzzed.
At night, he’d sleep with his phone under the pillow because he was afraid I’d check it (lol).

After that, some guys in his department secretly came to talk to me.

They probed me gently, asking if I was okay with him going out with A every weekend.

At that point I felt like this wasn’t normal at all — coworkers coming to secretly ask me like that.

So I answered in a way that saved his face, but ended with something like: I’m okay if everyone in the company does this and it’s part of the company culture.

These same friends had previously yelled at him (guy-friend style) when he ignored me and only talked to A — something like, “Pay attention to your girlfriend.”

Then that group of friends called him aside to talk (he told me).
They warned him to pay more attention to his girlfriend.
He claimed he “didn’t really care about A.”

But after that, he did improve.

I don’t know if it’s because of the social pressure from his team — those 3–4 coworkers who are very straightforward.

Currently, A almost never posts anything anymore.

From a social butterfly with a trip every weekend, always hanging out after work — she’s down to zero posts.

My boyfriend started coming to see me again.
He clearly avoids going out with A now.
He also started buying me things (his friends said, “He probably knows he did wrong”).

But he seems to have fallen out of love with me.

The last time I saw him being his old self — playful, fun, joking —
was when he was with A.

But he’s the one who walked away from that himself.

(He’s probably realized that in the end, it was just a “love of leftovers,” the scraps shared between two people who are bored of their stable relationships.

The heart that races from doing something forbidden or socially risky can feel similar to a heart racing from finding true love — but if you think clearly enough, anyone can tell them apart.)

Now, I feel like I’m living with a statue.

He treats me very well, but he’s no longer playful or fun like before.
He doesn’t dare look me in the eyes.

I’m the only one he talks to, and whenever I say anything, he just replies,
“Up to you, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

When I ask if he’s fallen out of love with me, he says no —
that “he still loves me and he’s trying.”

He only truly smiles when I start describing how much I still love him.
His heartbeat goes really fast — he breathes heavily like he’s about to cry every time.

But it’s suffocating.

I don’t know what he really wants.

And I don’t know what I should do next.

Here’s how I see it :

My dear friend… 🕯️
Everything you’ve described — it’s not just a simple “my boyfriend changed” situation.

It’s about a heart being lied to through silence,
and the dignity of someone who still loves with all her heart, but is starting to feel like she’s no longer important.

Today I’m going to speak very directly, no sugarcoating.

Because if you came here looking for a half-answer,
you’re going to stay stuck in this loop for years.

And the thing that hurts the most isn’t the day he goes out with someone else.
It’s the day he’s physically back with you —
but his heart… is no longer here.

🌫️ 1. The beginning of the change — it didn’t start with “A”

It started with new power in his life.

Look closely at the picture:

From a university kid with not much responsibility,
suddenly he steps into the working world, where he now has:

a salary,
coworkers,
a social circle,
and chances to feel “more grown-up.”

It’s like someone trying on a suit for the first time
and falling in love with their own reflection.

He feels more “interesting,”
people laugh at his jokes,
people praise him,
he gets attention without even trying.

And right there…
he starts to forget that you’re the person who’s been standing behind him for 5 years.

It’s not that he doesn’t love you.
It’s that he’s become used to having you.

The effort he used to put into the relationship
has been replaced by a kind of comfortable laziness.

When he met “A,”
it wasn’t because she’s better than you.

It’s because A lives in the space where he wants to feel important again.

🧠 2. “Micro cheating” — a soft-sounding term that hits as hard as actual cheating

What he’s doing is a textbook case of micro cheating:

He’s building emotional closeness and intimacy with someone else,
without crossing the line physically (as far as you know).

But emotionally, the effect is almost the same —
because he’s pushing you out of the “special person” spot in his heart.

Think about it:

He dodges your questions about where he goes unless you ask with surgical precision.
He orbits around A during activities.
He helps A with everything while you’re left waiting.
He hides his phone under his pillow because he doesn’t want you to see “something.”

What is this if not dishonesty?

Society loves to call this “just friends.”

But in reality, it’s him creating a little world
where you don’t exist.

You were absolutely right to call it “micro cheating.”

Because this is the stage right before full-on cheating in many, many cases.

💔 3. He hasn’t just “changed” — he has “woken up in a world where you’re no longer the center”

During the transition from university to working life,
many people start discovering a “new version” of themselves.

He might feel that his long-term, stable relationship has become a “cage.”

Being around someone new in a new environment gives him a sense of “freedom.”

If you notice —
the relationship that used to be like a tall, strong tree
has slowly become just “an old shade” that no one waters anymore.

He may not have consciously decided to betray you.
But he’s neglected you into pain.

The love that once grew is now just “a dried plant he assumes is still alive.”

🌹 4. And you… have been trying with everything you’ve got

I know you’re not being unreasonable.

You’ve been patient.
You’ve given him chances.
You listened to his explanations.

You even started your little psychological war — with skill, actually —
to show him, “I see you. Don’t think I’m blind.”

Liking A’s posts,
mentioning her name casually,
keeping track of where they go —

all of that is you
“demanding emotional fairness as someone who’s hurt but still in love.”

And yes, it worked to some extent.

He got scared.
He realized you saw more than he expected.
The phone-under-pillow behavior is pure fear and guilt.

But remember this:

Someone who changes their behavior because they’re afraid of “getting caught”
is not the same as someone who changes because they realize they “hurt you.”

He might have stopped being so obvious with A.
But the thing that hasn’t returned
is the heart that used to love you openly and wholeheartedly.

🌧️ 5. “He still loves me. He’s trying.” — a phrase that sounds sweet but is hollow inside

He says he “still loves you.”
But he won’t look you in the eyes.

He says he’s “trying.”
But everything he does feels passive, flat, and empty.

Let’s be blunt:

Effort without direction
is just a way of “waiting for feelings to fade on their own.”

If someone truly still loves you,
they don’t hide their phone under the pillow.

They don’t avoid eye contact when your questions hit too close to home.

They don’t answer every choice with,
“Up to you, whatever you want.”

What he’s doing isn’t effort.
It’s penance.

He knows he hurt you.
So now he’s trying to “act good” to repay some invisible debt.

But you know this…

Love that has to be maintained by “forced effort”
isn’t really love anymore.

💬 6. Why is he still with you?

Not because of love.

Because of guilt.

He knows you know.
He knows he hurt you.
He knows you’ve been with him for years.
He knows A isn’t really going to commit to him either.

So now he’s stuck in a room of his own making:

If he walks toward you,
he doesn’t feel that old spark.

If he walks away,
he feels like a bad person.

So he does the worst possible thing:
He stays —

Not fully with you.
Not fully leaving.

Just… there.

And who hurts the most in that room?

Not him.

You.

Because you’re still waiting for a door to open,
even though the person inside doesn’t seem to want to step out anymore.

🌙 7. It’s time to open your eyes, my friend

Let me speak to you as a friend who truly wants the best for you:

If he truly still loves you,
he wouldn’t need to “try to love you.”

And if he truly respects you,
he wouldn’t make you “fight with the shadow” of another woman.

You’re no longer in a relationship.

You’re in the ruins of a relationship
that you’re trying to rebuild alone.

He might be nicer now.
Might come see you more.
Might buy things for you.
Might say sweet words.

But that’s not love.

That’s pity.

And I want you to see clearly now,
because pity wrapped in “I still love you”
is the poison that slowly kills your self-worth.

🪞 8. What you’re facing is “post-betrayal silence”

It’s that phase where one person is still hurting,
and the other is drowning in guilt.

So both of you
“pretend things are okay for now.”

He is kind, but emotionally absent.
You forgive, but you’re not sure you still want this.

And this phase… is the black hole of relationships.

You’re not breaking up.
But you’re not really together either.

So here’s the truth:

If you stay in a relationship
that depends on his guilt to keep going,
you’re just stretching out your heartbreak over time.

🌤️ 9. What should you do next?

(1) Stop asking, “Does he still love me?”

Start asking,
“Do I still love myself?”

You don’t need to wait for him to turn back into who he was.

You don’t need to be
“the most understanding girlfriend in the world.”

Because on the day he chose to step away from being honest with you,
he wasn’t thinking about whether you understood him.

(2) Don’t ask for clarity from someone who’s already shown it

He doesn’t have to say the word “breakup.”

He’s already said it
with his eyes, behavior, and lack of warmth.

Someone who still wants you:

doesn’t consistently avoid eye contact,
doesn’t always answer with “up to you,”
doesn’t make you feel like a guest in his life.

(3) Step back and let him face the consequences of his choices

You don’t need a big dramatic breakup.

You can simply say:

“I know you’re still confused,
but I need to stop here.
I don’t want to be the person you stay with just because you feel guilty.”

Say it calmly, and step back with dignity.

Don’t chase.
Don’t beg.
Don’t post vague quotes.

When someone is stuck in guilt,
they tend to run away from gentle love —
because it reminds them of what they broke.

But one day,
he will hear the sound of your absence
and realize the person who truly loved him
is no longer standing at the door.

🩵 10. “Opening your eyes” doesn’t mean becoming cold-hearted — it means seeing your own worth clearly

You don’t have to turn into someone icy or bitter.

You don’t have to pretend you don’t care.

You don’t have to make him jealous with someone new.

Just… reclaim your life.

Wake up and don’t check his messages first thing.

Laugh with your friends like you used to.

Go out, eat meals you enjoy,
spend time with people who see your value
without needing a whole explanation.

Let yourself see that life after him
doesn’t collapse.

It actually becomes lighter
because you’re no longer carrying someone who’s emotionally gone.

🌹 11. And finally… remember this

“Love isn’t about waiting for someone
to turn back into who they used to be.

It’s about knowing
you don’t have to lower your worth
to convince someone to love you again.”

You’ve loved him for 5 years.

But you have the right
to choose to love yourself more
in year 6.

Don’t be afraid of starting over.

Sometimes, saying goodbye
doesn’t mean you lost love.

It means you got your honesty back.

💌 My final words to you

My friend,
it’s time to open your eyes.

You’ve already seen everything you need to see.

Don’t let his word “trying”
trap you inside a relationship that’s already dead.

He may be an important chapter
in your younger years.

But he’s not the ending
of your story.

Don’t be afraid of being alone.

Because being with someone
who no longer has their heart in it
is lonelier than being by yourself.

And when you finally step out —
one day you’ll laugh again, freely,
without worrying whether the person next to you
is giving part of your laughter
to someone else. 💔✨

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