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When we’re in the same space, I’m working and he’s gaming. I get so irritated I can’t stand to look at him. What should I do?

Nerdyssey October 31, 2025

Let’s talk about this:

These days I feel like I’m going crazy. I have no one to vent to. I’m bottling it up to the point I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I’m starting a business with my boyfriend whom I’ve been with for many years. We’re together all the time. Neither of us has friends. 

He’s addicted to games and anime, and he’s not young anymore. His family supports everything financially for the business. I myself don’t have money to help anyone — I only have skills and determination and I’m ready to get my hands dirty in the business. 

Our workspace is in the same room. Every day, when I’m trying to think or do something and I see him sitting there doing nothing, playing games, watching anime — I feel like I’m going to go insane. It’s been like this for almost half a year. I don’t want to be in the same room, don’t want to see his face, don’t want to be near him. 

I’m always the one who has to leave and go somewhere else. Every day I’m the one who has to invite him to do this and that. If I don’t speak up or invite him, he won’t move — won’t do anything. He only does what he wants to do. 

When I get really irritated and tell him to do something, he won’t. “Do this, do that,” and he still won’t. He’ll make a snarky remark like, “I’m not doing it.” If I tell him to do one thing, he’ll do another — right in front of me — which makes me furious. 

I feel suffocated and can’t manage these feelings. I’m starting to feel like this every day to the point I’m going insane. Is he doing it on purpose to make me angry? 

Or is it just his business and he won’t bother me, and I shouldn’t bother him either — is that what he wants?

Here’s how I see it : 

Hey, come sit next to me for a bit. I’m going to talk to you the way a steady friend would — the kind who hands you a glass of water, puts your phone face-down, and says, “Okay. Tell me everything,” and then helps you build a path through the mess. I’m on your side, and I’m going to stay on your side while we sort this out — not by blaming you or him, but by giving you back your power and your peace.

What you’re experiencing isn’t “you being dramatic about a boyfriend who games.” It’s the slow suffocation of a person who needs movement, respect, and partnership — sitting four feet away from a person who won’t move, won’t engage, and won’t meet you in the grown-up, on-the-same-team place where businesses and relationships actually survive. When the person you love is also your coworker, the air gets thin faster. And when capital comes from his family and effort comes from you, the power feels lopsided even if no one says it out loud. That’s not in your head. Your body is responding to an imbalance that would make most people unravel.

So we’re going to do four things together:

  1. Translate your feelings into clean language so your own brain stops screaming.
  2. Map the power, roles, and rules — the “invisible structure” — so you can see why you feel powerless and how to change the game without a screaming match.
  3. Set boundaries that don’t rely on him cooperating first (because boundaries you can’t enforce by yourself are wishes, not boundaries).
  4. Offer you a step-by-step, week-by-week plan with scripts, checklists, and “if-then” branches — including what to do if he keeps stonewalling, how to restructure the business, and how to exit with dignity if you must.

You’re not crazy. You’re under-resourced, over-exposed, and carrying more load than your nervous system can bear. Let’s get you back into oxygen.

Part I — Name the Thing (so your brain can stop ringing like an alarm)

Your words carry five truths:

  • Chronic proximity without partnership: same room, all day, no shared rhythm.
  • Unmet bids for effort: you invite; he refuses or deflects; you escalate; he resists harder.
  • Power asymmetry: his family funds; you contribute skill, labor, and drive — but money talks in business rooms, and you feel silenced.
  • Contempt cues: snarky “I’m not doing it,” doing something else in front of you after you ask — these are not neutral. Contempt and defiance corrode love faster than distance does.
  • Physiological overload: “I feel like I’m going to go insane.” That’s not a metaphor; it’s your nervous system living in fight/flight inside a tiny room it cannot leave without abandoning the work.

Let’s translate each of those into clean sentences your body can hold:

  • “I need movement to feel safe.” (You’re a forward-motion person. Stagnation feels like threat.)
  • “When my bids for partnership get ignored, my brain files it as ‘abandoned with a load.’”
  • “The capital–labor imbalance means I have responsibility without authority, and that is unsustainable.”
  • “When he answers requests with defiance, I feel disrespected — and my respect for him erodes.”
  • “My body is telling me this setup is unhealthy. I need air, structure, and distance to think.”

Keep those five sentences. They’re your compass.

Part II — Understand the Cycle (so you don’t keep getting dragged into it)

Here’s the loop I hear:

  1. You enter the room determined to make progress.
  2. You see him gaming/anime. Your body spikes (heart rate up, jaw tight).
  3. You initiate: “Let’s do X.” (A reasonable bid.)
  4. He resists/deflects/snarks. (Avoidance + oppositional streak.)
  5. You escalate (tone sharpens, micro-commands).
  6. He doubles down (defiance in front of you).
  7. You leave (self-banishment), carrying anger, shame, and loneliness.
  8. Repeat tomorrow.

This is a manager–resistor pattern. The more one person manages, the more the other resists; the more the other resists, the more the first manages. Lovers disappear; a power struggle takes their place. Even if you “win” a task, the relationship loses.

The only way out is to refuse both roles: stop being his manager and stop allowing him to be your saboteur. That means removing the conditions that force you to manage (shared room, blurred roles, unclear stakes) and removing the reward he gets from resisting (your attention, your escalation, your emotional labor).

Part III — Map the Power (so the rules stop being invisible)

In love:

  • Neither partner has authority to command the other. Only requests and agreements exist.
  • Respect and kindness are the currency. Contempt is a relationship toxin.

In business:

  • Capital bears risk → capital calls shots, unless you create an operating agreement that assigns authority to roles, not to wallets.
  • Labor without authority = burnout.
  • Authority without accountability = entitlement.

Right now, you’re in the worst quadrant: you carry load, but decisions and timelines are set by a person who can (and does) ignore you. Your body hates this because it’s a trap: responsibility without control.

Two levers fix this:

  1. Structure (clear roles, KPIs, decision rights, timelines).
  2. Separation (physical and temporal space so you’re not breathing each other’s air 24/7).

We’ll build both.

Part IV — Before We Touch the Business, Stabilize You (anger first aid)

When your nervous system is fried, even perfect plans sound like noise. We do heat → clarity in three moves:

1. Body reset (5–10 minutes):

    • 4-7-8 breath x 4 rounds (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8).
    • Cold water on wrists and back of neck.
    • Stand, shake limbs for 60 seconds.
    • Walk outside for 8 minutes (no phone).
      This downshifts your amygdala so your prefrontal cortex can come back online.

2. Name & claim: speak one sentence aloud:

“I’m safe enough right now, I’m angry because my bids for partnership are ignored, and I’m going to protect my peace.”

3. Containment: promise your body:

“We’re not solving the whole relationship today. We’re making the next hour kinder.”

Do this before any conversation, and anytime you feel the “I’ll explode” wave.

Part V — The Six Boundaries That Change Everything

Boundaries are things you will do or won’t do — not things you make him do. They are self-enforceable. Start with these:

1. The Room Boundary — “Co-work apart.”
You don’t share the same work room by default. If he wants to game, he can — just not in your work zone or during agreed work hours. If he refuses to move, you move by design (to a café, library, co-working seat, or a different room) as your standard practice, not as self-banishment.

2. The Time Boundary — “Work windows and off windows.”
You set fixed work blocks for yourself (e.g., 9:30–12:30 and 2–5). During those, no relationship talk, no bids for him to join. You pour everything into your tasks. He is free to squander his, but the contrast will become visible without you playing manager.

3. The Task Boundary — “No more micro-commands.”
You stop saying “Do this, do that.” You switch to proposals & agreements with deadlines. If no agreement, there is no expectation — and you design around it (either delegate or absorb, but you price it; more on that later).

4. The Tone Boundary — “No contempt in my earshot.”

If he responds with snark or deliberate defiance, you end the interaction:

“I won’t stay in a conversation where I’m disrespected. I’ll step out and try again later.”
Then you leave, calmly. No lecture. The consequence is disconnection from your presence, not a war.

5. The Scope Boundary — “Separate love from logistics.”

Love convos at off hours; business in scheduled blocks or shared doc comments. If he pushes a business fight into love-time, you pause:

“I want to stay close to you. Let’s put this into tomorrow’s work doc.”

6. The Self-Investment Boundary — “My effort must pay me.”
Starting now, every hour you spend on the business either:

  • Creates equity with your name on it or
  • Pays you a wage or
  • Builds a portable asset (skills, portfolio, process IP) you own.
    If none apply, you stop over-delivering.

These six boundaries don’t require his permission. They re-center your agency.

Part VI — The Business Reset (roles, rules, and receipts)

You don’t fix a power imbalance by pleading. You fix it by writing the rules and getting signatures — or by redesigning your participation so you are no longer captive to someone else’s whims.

1) Draft a 1-page Operating Agreement (plain language)

  • Purpose: one sentence (what the business does).
  • Ownership: exact percentages (including how future capital or sweat equity adjusts them).

  • Roles & Decision Rights:

    • Operator (you): controls day-to-day ops, vendors, calendar.
    • Investor (him/his family): controls budgets above $X and capital infusions.
    • Tie-break rule: if an operational decision is under $X, Operator decides.

  • KPIs by Role: 3–5 measurable outputs per person per week. Examples:

    • You: 2 client pitches, 1 delivery, 1 SOP draft, weekly report.
    • Him: 1 supplier negotiation, 1 cost control task, 1 marketing asset, weekly ledger.
  • Cadence: weekly 45-min check-in, monthly 60-min review.
  • Compensation:
    • Your base wage (even modest) + sweat-equity accrual (e.g., 0.25% per productive week capped at X%) or a clear revenue share from projects you lead.
  • Exit clauses: if a party fails KPIs for 8 of 12 weeks, options are: role change, reduced equity, or amicable exit with buyout formula.
  • Respect clause: no contempt or sabotage; violations end meetings immediately and rescheduled in 24–48 hours.

Print it. Bring a pen. Calm voice:

“I want us to succeed and still like each other. I’ve written a one-page structure so we’re partners, not a manager and a resistor. If this doesn’t work for you, we need a different working arrangement.”

If he refuses any structure, you have data — not a debate topic.

2) Implement a Weekly Business Rhythm (WBR)

  • When: same time each week, 45 minutes max.

  • Agenda:

  1. 5 min wins.
  2. 10 min numbers (pipeline, revenue, costs).
  3. 15 min blockers (each brings 1–2).
  4. 10 min commitments for next week (on the board, with due dates).
  5. 5 min appreciation + close.

  • Tool: a shared board (Trello/Notion/whiteboard). One card per commitment. Owner + due date. Green if done, red if not. No debate — just status.

This keeps you from asking all day, every day. You ask once a week, in a ritual that makes avoidance visible.

3) Define Clear Work Zones & Signals

  • Two desks, two zones. If it’s one room, create visual boundaries (screens, headphones, desk orientation).

  • Signals:

    • Headphones on = focus; no talk, no glances for 50 minutes.
    • Headphones off & standing = available for 5–10 minutes.
    • A simple desk light or card (green/amber/red) if talking is frequent.
  • No-Look Rule: during your focus blocks, you don’t look at his screen. You’re not his mother or manager. You protect your own attention economy.

4) Pricing Your Labor (so “helping” doesn’t exploit you)

From now on, when a task is yours, it either:

  • pays an agreed rate,
  • earns equity, or
  • builds a documented asset you own.

If they want cheaper labor, they get cheaper outcomes elsewhere. You are not a free engine powered by guilt.

Part VII — Communication That Works (scripts you can actually use)

Tone keys: low, slow, brief. Make requests; invite agreements; state boundaries; give choices.

Opening the structure convo

“I want us to succeed without resenting each other. I’m done with the manager–resistor loop. Here’s the structure I can work within. If it doesn’t work for you, I’ll restructure my role to protect both of us.”

When he’s gaming during work block

“I’m heading into a 3-hour work block. If you want to coordinate tasks, I’m free for 10 minutes now or at 2 p.m. Otherwise, I’ll focus on my list.”

(And then you do. No policing.)

When he snarks or defies

“I won’t stay in a conversation where I’m disrespected. I’m stepping out and we can try again tomorrow during our check-in.”

(Leave. No lecture.)

When you need a decision

“I’m choosing between A and B for [task]. If I don’t hear a preference by tomorrow 10 a.m., I’ll proceed with A.”

(This respects him while eliminating bottlenecks.)

When you need to separate love and logistics

“I care about us. Right now is couple-time, so I’m putting this business note in our board for tomorrow. Let’s keep tonight soft.”

When you set the room boundary

“I’m going to work from the café from 10–1. It’s better for my brain. We can sync at 1:30.”

When he refuses structure

“Okay. Then I’ll stop managing operations you don’t agree to. I’ll focus on projects where I have control and ownership. If that doesn’t fit the business, I’ll make a separate plan for my work.”

(Notice: no fight. Just a fork.)

Part VIII — What If He Doesn’t Change?

Then we use a Decision Tree. You don’t gamble; you plan.

Branch A — He accepts structure (even minimally)

  • Implement the one-pager for 30 days.
  • Track KPIs weekly.
  • Praise any movement; ignore bait.
  • Reassess on Day 30. If better, continue. If not, move to Branch C.

Branch B — He refuses structure but stops being hostile

  • You stop asking for tasks.
  • You build your pipeline, assets, and portfolio.
  • You treat him as silent investor. Share only what’s necessary.
  • You set a 90-day personal milestone (X clients, Y revenue, Z assets).
  • If you hit your milestone, you negotiate new terms (equity, pay). If you don’t, you consider Branch D.

Branch C — He accepts structure but fails repeatedly

  • After 8 out of 12 missed commitments, execute the agreement: role change (investor only) or equity reduction. If he refuses, Branch D.

Branch D — He mocks, stonewalls, or sabotages

  • You exit the shared work.
  • You write and send a calm notice:

“I’m stepping back from operations effective [date]. I will complete [A, B, C] by then. After that I won’t take new tasks. I’ll be focusing on separate work to protect the relationship.”

  • You secure your documents, portfolio, and references.
  • You build alone or with others.
  • You protect the relationship by removing the business war zone from it — or, if the relationship itself is the war zone, you begin planning a personal exit with the same calm logistics.

Whatever branch you take, the power returns to you because your path doesn’t require him to go first.

Part IX — If There’s Underlying Stuff (gaming, attention, avoidance)

You asked, “Is he doing it on purpose to make me angry?” My honest read:

  • Some of the behavior is oppositional (defiance triggered by being told what to do).
  • Some is avoidance coping (gaming/anime as escape from responsibility or fear of failure).
  • Some is entitlement (capital = “I don’t have to move”).
  • Some may be attention regulation differences (ADHD-ish patterns), but a label doesn’t excuse contempt.

You’re not his therapist. You can say once:

“If screens are helping you avoid the work you said you wanted, I support you talking to someone. I won’t push. I will build with or without you.”

Say it once. Then return to structure, not diagnoses.

Part X — Restructuring Options (so you can keep love and stop the bleed)

If the current model keeps bleeding your respect, shift the model. Three viable templates:

Template 1 — Investor / Operator Split

  • He (or family) is Investor only. No day-to-day say under $X.
  • You are Operator. You run ops, hire help, and make tactical calls.
  • Comp: modest base + profit share + sweat-equity accrual.
  • He’s free to game — away from the operations room.

Template 2 — Two Lanes Business

  • Lane A (Yours): service/product you run end-to-end (your clients, your schedule).
  • Lane B (His): anything he cares enough to drive.
  • Shared costs split transparently. No cross-nagging. Monthly check-in only.

Template 3 — Clean Break, Kind Hearts

  • You start your own project.
  • He keeps the original (or lets it hibernate).
  • You remain a couple only if the relationship improves without the business entanglement.
  • If the relationship still bleeds, you have clarity that the problem wasn’t only the business.

Part XI — “I’m Starting to Hate His Face”: making space before contempt calcifies

Contempt is the acid that dissolves love. If you feel “I don’t want to see his face,” we need micro-separations immediately:

  • Morning solos: 90–120 minutes apart. You each start your day separately (walk, café, gym, library).
  • Solo sacreds: one evening a week that is your evening: class, friend, art, market — no texting about business.
  • Sleep sanctuary: if the day was hostile, no rehash in bed. Bed = truce zone. Put a notebook by the door. Write “Tomorrow Board.” Leave it there.
  • Shared kindness quota: 3 small appreciations each day, even if it’s “Thanks for grabbing the parcel.” This interrupts the brain’s “he’s always…” narrative.

If even with space you still feel tight-fisted at the sight of him, that’s data. Respect it.

Part XII — Your 30-Day Plan (tiny steps, real traction)

Day 1–2

  • Do the anger first aid.
  • Write your five compass sentences (from Part I) by hand.
  • Draft the 1-page operating agreement (Part VI).
  • Block your calendar for two daily work windows (e.g., 10–1, 2–5) and one daily reset walk (20 min).
  • Scout alternate work spots (café, library, co-work day pass).

Day 3

  • Invite the structure talk:

“I want us to succeed without resenting each other. I wrote a simple plan. Can we sit 30 minutes tonight to discuss?”

  • If yes: go through it calmly, pen ready.
  • If no: say, “Okay. I’ll adjust my role accordingly,” and move to Branch B steps.

Week 1

  • Implement co-work apart.
  • Launch WBR meeting (45 min). Even if he doesn’t show, sit and write your side.
  • Track your KPIs.
  • Stop micro-commands. Save tasks to the board.

Week 2–3

  • Build your pipeline: 3 outreach/day or 10/week.
  • Create one SOP (standard operating procedure) per week so your labor becomes assets.
  • Price your labor. If they won’t pay, allocate that time to paying/portfolio work.

Week 4

  • Review: How do you feel? What improved? What stayed ugly?
  • If you’re calmer and productive, continue.
  • If you’re still suffocating, pick a branch: negotiate investor/operator split or start the clean break from operations.

Throughout: protect your self-investment: one skill course, two portfolio pieces, one case study. These are your parachute and your wings.

Part XIII — How to Know If the Relationship (not just the business) Is in Trouble

Green flags to keep trying:

  • He can apologize without asterisks.
  • He accepts at least a basic structure and meets it 60–70% of the time.
  • Snark drops; kindness rises.
  • He stops doing the “defy you in front of you” dominance dance.
  • You can remember what you like about him at least once a day.

Red flags to plan an exit:

  • He mocks structure and punishes you for trying to protect your peace.
  • Snark escalates to contempt: eye-rolls, mockery, name-calling.
  • He uses money as a weapon (“my family funds this, so you…”).
  • He sabotages your work (noise, interruptions, delays) after you state boundaries.
  • Your body shows chronic stress signs (insomnia, panic, dread) despite space and structure.

If reds stack up, you don’t need a better speech. You need a safer plan.

Part XIV — If You Leave the Business (logistics for dignity)

  • Document your contributions (files, dates, outcomes).
  • Back up your portfolio (put your name and timestamps on assets).
  • Send a calm transition email detailing what you’ll finish by date X and what you’re handing off.
  • Request what’s yours (wages due, agreed share, reimbursement). If none was ever agreed, ask once; then let it go to protect your peace and start something you control.
  • Announce your availability (quietly) to clients/vendors who worked with you — without poaching, simply stating your personal services are available.

Exiting cleanly is power. You’re not burning a bridge; you’re stepping off a pier that never reached land.

Part XV — A word about love (and why this isn’t you “giving up”)

Love does not mean merging into one desk, one mood, one pace. Love is two powered adults with separate self-respect choosing to share life. If your self-respect is the tax you pay to stay, the price is wrong.

You can love him and say: “I won’t be in the same room while you resist your own life.” You can love him and say: “If you want to be an investor only, I’ll design around that.” You can love him and stop playing the role that makes you the villain in your own nervous system.

If he ever decides to change, it will be because you stopped cushioning the consequences of his choices, not because you begged better.

Part XVI — Tiny practices that make big difference (starting tonight)

  • Two sentences a day:
    Morning: “What’s my one most important task?”
    Night: “What did I do today that served me?”
  • The 50-minute promise: pick any task, set a timer, work it for 50 minutes, break for 10. Do three of these and you’ll feel your agency return.
  • The no-monologue rule: any heated talk gets 10 minutes, then a pause. Use a timer. Honor it.
  • Joy crumbs: one small joy per day that has nothing to do with him or the business — tea, park bench, music in the bathroom, a silly video that makes you snort-laugh. Joy is fuel, not a reward you have to earn.
  • The “Future Me” folder: everything you build that’s reusable (templates, emails, SOPs) goes here. Future you will thank you in a language called freedom.

Part XVII — What I’d tell you if I could only say three things

  1. You’re not crazy. Your body is rebelling against a structure that steals your power and your dignity. Listen to it.
  2. Stop managing him. Manage the structure, your boundaries, and your next right step. If he wants in, he will step into the structure. If he doesn’t, your life keeps moving anyway.
  3. Make your effort pay you. In equity, money, skills, or peace — preferably all four. If your effort pays only in resentment, change the terms or leave the table.

Part XVIII — A small letter you can keep on your phone (for the days you want to scream)

To the me who wants to throw everything and run:
You’re allowed to be furious. You’re also allowed to be strategic. Today, we pick strategy. We will breathe, set our boundaries, do our work, and stop trying to move a grown man who does not wish to move. We will build a life that pays us back. If he joins, wonderful. If he doesn’t, we still win. I love you. Keep going.

Part XIX — Closing your night like a friend would

Make yourself something warm to drink. Put your hand on your chest and feel it rise. Say out loud:

  • “I am not a reactor; I’m a designer.”
  • “I can love someone and refuse to be their engine.”
  • “My peace is not negotiable.”

Then put one small thing in motion for tomorrow — charge your laptop, pack your bag for the café, outline one task on a sticky note. Sleep doesn’t come from finishing the whole story; it comes from knowing the next line.

You are not broken. You are a capable woman in a lopsided system that can be redesigned or left. Both paths are honorable. Both lead back to yourself.

And if you need me to say it plainly one last time: No — you don’t have to keep living like this. You can build, you can love, and you can breathe — all at the same time. We start with boundaries in your own hands. The rest will reveal itself, one steady, grown-up step at a time.

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All entries on DramoCiety are for reflective and educational purposes only. They are not personal or therapeutic advice.

Nerdyssey

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