My dad passed away, and my mom can’t cope with the grief. She says she wants to follow him.

Let’s talk about this:

Hello. I’m 18, in 12th grade, about to start university. My dad passed away not long ago, during the first semester of grade 12. He had an accident and died within 24 hours. We didn’t get to say goodbye at all. 

Before he passed, my dad and mom had been fighting for about half a year. My mom caught my dad being unfaithful with her own younger sister (same mother, different father) — a younger sister she had raised. 

So my mom was deeply hurt. They fought intensely throughout that period — fighting, making up, fighting again. Our home didn’t feel like a home. 

On some days my dad hit my mom, choked her; the next day they were okay again. On the day he had the accident, in the morning my parents hugged, cleared the air, and talked about the same old issues, and then my dad went to work and had the accident. My parents had been together for 30–40 years. 

I wasn’t close to my dad because he was strict, and everyone in the house was wary of him. But he also had a kind side. Now it’s been almost half a year and my mom still can’t accept it. 

She cries every day, many times a day, to the point her head hurts. She talks about my dad every day. Sometimes she says, “If I can’t make it, please take care of each other.” I’m stressed and don’t know what to do. 

She often makes comments like envying other families that are still intact, or mentions couples where the wife dies and the husband soon dies after, that sort of thing. 

I’m stressed about university, stressed about my mom — afraid something will happen to her. I feel like I have no one. I have an older sister but she has her own family. 

I’m scared that when I leave for university my mom will be lonely, and I’m afraid something will happen to her. I want to know how to make my mom get better or cope well. 

I suggested talking to a mental health doctor but she won’t. Please help — I’m very stressed. I’m afraid I won’t be able to study, afraid I’ll lose my mom. I can’t handle this anymore.

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Here’s how I see it : 

 What you’ve shared is truly heavy, and it’s not an ordinary problem at all —
because what you’re facing is a double loss happening at the same time.

The first layer is “the sudden loss of your father.”
The second layer is “the loss of your mother’s emotional stability, which feels like it’s fading little by little.”

And when a child has to shoulder both forces at 18 years old —
it’s not something anyone could handle easily. I want you to know first that you’re already very brave to still be standing and looking for ways to help your mom right now.

Today I’ll gently guide us through understanding
what is happening inside your mom’s heart,
and what you, as her child, can do to care for both your mom and your own heart —
without carrying so much that you “collapse together.”

---

🩶 1. First… what your mom is experiencing is called “Complicated Grief.”

In psychology, grief after losing a loved one often moves through phases such as:

• Shock & Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

But your mom’s situation has gone beyond ordinary “sadness,” because two powerful complicating factors are present:

• Sudden loss (accident, no chance to say goodbye)
• The last chapter before he died was marked by “the trauma of betrayal.”

Your mom’s heart is caught between “love” and “deep hurt” — these two forces are waging war inside her every day.

She loved him enough to grieve his death,
but she also hurts enough to feel like “something remains unresolved.”
Because he died before everything could be truly settled,
her mind can’t “close the loop of repetitive thoughts.”

This becomes what’s called “Traumatic Grief” — grief with a wound embedded inside.

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💔 2. Why does your mom say she “wants to follow your dad”?

Please don’t rush to assume she’s actively suicidal.
What she says may not mean “I truly want to die,”
but rather the voice of intense longing turning into hopelessness.

When someone loses the partner who was their whole life —
especially when marriage was the center of everything —
such a farewell can shatter the part of the brain tied to identity.

She didn’t just lose a husband;
she lost “the identity of being a wife,”
and “the life purpose tied to him.”

When she says, “I want to follow him,” it may really mean:

“I don’t know what I’m living for if he’s no longer here.”

It’s the voice of someone who can’t see her own future clearly —
not because she doesn’t want to live, but because she doesn’t yet know “how to live without him.”

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🕊 3. Right now your mom is like “someone drowning.”

Her heart is like someone drowning in the middle of the sea.
Some days she tries to come up for air (those are the days she seems a bit better),
but then waves of memory and guilt crash down again.

When she talks about your dad every day and cries every day,
that is her mechanism for trying to keep him alive.
If she stops talking about him, she’ll feel as if he’s truly gone.

So don’t rush to stop her with “Mom, don’t cry.”
Listen when she wants to talk,
because repeating the story is the brain’s way of trying to “sequence reality” into order.

But if she keeps circling back to “I want to die,”
don’t stay silent — seek help immediately.
Even if she refuses to see a psychiatrist,
there are indirect ways you can help.

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🌿 4. What you should do now (safe and effective steps)

🌷 1) Listen with your heart, don’t reply with logic.
Avoid consolations like “Don’t overthink” or “You have to live for me.”
These can feel like pushing her to be strong when she can’t.

Say things like:

• “Mom, I understand how much this hurts.”
• “If you want to talk about Dad, I’m always here to listen.”

Don’t be afraid to mention “Dad.”
It’s a channel for her to release feelings, not a trigger to make it worse.

🌼 2) Help her build a “new daily life” that isn’t trapped in sadness.
Right now her life may contain only “spaces of longing.”
Gently add small, non-pressuring activities, such as:

• Planting something together
• Morning market walks
• Watching an old drama your dad liked
• Cooking and taking photos “to show Dad” (in memory)

The goal isn’t to make her forget him,
but to help her relink her life to the present world.

🌻 3) Draw on support from people around you.
If she refuses therapy, start with someone she respects or trusts —
a close relative, a monk she has faith in, an old friend of your dad.
Sometimes an outside voice reaches the heart more easily than a child’s words.

If she opens up a little,
take her to a general practitioner first (no need to say “psychiatrist”).
Ask for a basic screening for depression.
Crying daily, low energy, loss of interest could point to a Major Depressive Episode after bereavement,
which can be treated safely with medication.

💌 4) You must not become “the parent to your mom” entirely.
You’re 18 — a time to study, dream, and begin your life.
Don’t let fear of “losing Mom” make you stop living yours.

I know it’s hard,
but learn the difference between “being with Mom” and “caring for Mom.”

Caring means being nearby when she needs you;
being with her all the time means dissolving your own life.
One day she might feel even more guilty seeing you afraid to start your own life.

So don’t be afraid to go to university or to step out sometimes.
Arrange additional support when you’re away, such as:

• A trusted relative
• A neighbor you know well
• A meditation/temple group she might want to join

🌙 5) Set up a “daily communication system.”
When you go to university, create simple routines:

• Call Mom every day at a set time
• Send a photo or short message: “Thinking of you today, Mom.”
• Give her a small daily schedule (watering plants, cooking, etc.)

These help her feel:
“Dad is gone, but I still matter and am part of my child’s life.”

---

💭 5. Understand the “guilt” your mom carries.

Deep down, she may hear thoughts like:

• “Did I speak too harshly the day before he died?”
• “I didn’t get to apologize.”
• “Should I have forgiven him more?”

This is survivor’s guilt — common after sudden loss.

You don’t have to reason it away or say “It’s not your fault.”
Right now her rational mind may not receive it.
What you can do is stay with her in safe silence.

If she cries — hold her.
If she talks about him — listen.
If she’s angry at him — don’t rush to stop her.

Letting her speak her truth is the beginning of healing.

---

🌤 6. When she’s calmer, then talk about “reasons to stay.”

Avoid “You must live for me,” which can feel like a guilt-chain.
Instead say:

• “I want you to live because you have worth in yourself — not just because of me.”
  Or:
• “Dad would want you to spend the rest of your life without more pain.”

When she’s more open, invite her to write a “letter to Dad.”
Write everything — apologies, gratitude, even anger.
This releases stuck emotions.

After writing, she can keep it or burn it —
a small personal ritual to start anew gently.

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🩵 7. As for you — don’t hold everything alone.

You said “I have no one.”
Please know: even if no one is at home with you, there are people in this world ready to understand — teachers, school counselors, or mental health hotlines.

In Thailand there is the Mental Health Hotline 1323,
available 24/7, free, without judgment.
They have psychiatrists and psychologists experienced in grief.

You don’t have to be strong all by yourself, dear. 💗

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💬 8. Time will heal… but only if there’s “space for the heart to breathe.”

Both your mom and you are in the season of loss.
Don’t try to skip steps to make it “go away fast.”
Sadness isn’t something to eliminate,
but something to learn to live with so it hurts less.

One day, you’ll still think of your dad,
but you won’t cry every time you mention him.
And your mom will begin to smile when sunlight falls across his picture.

That day may come slowly — but it will come.

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#GriefRecovery #LosingAParent #EmotionalHealing #MentalHealthAwareness #CopingWithLoss
#SupportingParent #FamilyTrauma #Bereavement #DepressionAfterLoss #DramoCiety